A Few Things I Worried About Today

A running list of ruminations.

If you’re a worrier, you know that worrying becomes a recurring thought pattern. When you resolve one worry, another worry comes along. When you’re not worried, it feels like something’s wrong—and then you worry!

And also my inbox. 📷

For me at the moment, I am worrying about: 

There are currently 147 unread emails in my inbox. This does not include newsletters, notifications, or anything that isn’t “actionable.” These are all emails where someone is waiting on something for me. I worry about this! A lot. 

There are 30 emails I’ve read multiple times without responding. Each time I read one of them, I think about responding, but an uncomfortable feeling prevents me from actually doing it. So then, of course, I continue to worry.

Text messaging is like this, too. I like texting and I try to keep fairly current, but inevitably some messages fall through the cracks. Then I worry about not responding, but I don’t actually do anything about it—so again, I just continue to worry.

I sometimes struggle in maintaining friendships because of this pattern of procrastination and overwhelm. (See also: why I put off seeing my friends.)

I was rude to a stranger today during a brief interaction, and then I felt bad about it. But there wasn’t anything I could do—the slight gap in time after the interaction didn’t allow for corrective measures—and so then I worried that I’d put both of us in a bad mood for the rest of the day. 

I worry that someone in my life doesn’t like me. Maybe I’ll try to perform for them, and impress them in some way that makes them think more highly of me. 

I’m finishing my overdue book edits this week, and that should feel good—but I’m only wrapping up because the deadline has arrived. I still worry that more time and work is needed! I worry that it could be better than it is now, and that I’m selling myself short but not pushing further.

I worry that time is running out, that I’ve missed out an important chance to do something and now it’s too late. I worry that there’s not enough time in the day, or the week, or the year. 

Am I making the right decisions? How do I decide what to work on? What should I say yes to, what should I say no to, what should I ask more questions about, and what should I ignore?

There’s something undone, and it bothers me. I need to finish it, or take the next step, or at least do something that allows it to be deferred (which is, of course, a next step).

Will I do this thing? Maybe, maybe not! But either way I will worry about it. 

Do you ever like you’re outside yourself looking in? I dissociate a lot, and go back and forth on whether it’s a problem. I think the answer is: sometimes it’s a problem and sometimes it isn’t, but knowing the breakdown of which is elusive.

P.S. I wanted to keep this post largely solutions-free, because not every worry has a perfect remedy. Sometimes we just worry! But I also thought I’d note two things that have been helpful: 

1. Elena, a friend living in Paris, has made an elaborate system in which to keep up with her many multi-continent friends. I’ve tried to replicate it and it helps, but since I’m inherently not a systems-driven person, I don’t use it perfectly.

   

    

2. When I worry and feel anxious, I like to open my journal and write down what I want right now. The initial answer might be “To not feel anxious!” but I try to get a bit more specific on what that might look like.

See also:

Overthinking