Overthinking
What it’s like to think in circles. And then think in circles. And then
Scenario 1: “I said something awkward.”
I said something awkward in a conversation. How awkward was it? How much damage did I do? Did the other person think it was as awkward as I did? Are they even thinking about it at all?
It’s probably ALL they’re thinking about now, just like me.
Should I talk to them about it? Should I apologize for being awkward? Maybe it’s not an apology that’s needed, it’s an explanation. I’ll talk them about my history as an awkward person and how I didn’t mean to say the awkward thing in the awkward way.
It actually wasn’t supposed to be awkward, it was really quite intelligent and normal, but it came out awkwardly and now I feel awkward.
But here’s an idea.
What if, instead of addressing it, I talk to them about something else—anything—in hopes of overwriting the awkwardness? How much overwriting needs to take place before the awkwardness is forgotten? And how can I make sure I don’t say anything awkward in the over-explaining?
Alternatively: what if I just disappear and avoid that person forever?
Yep. That’s what I’ll do.
Scenario 2: “I posted something on social media.”
No one is going to like this post.
The post is flawed. I shared an opinion and the opinion is too provocative/bland/over-the-top/boring. Maybe I should delete it. It’s the algorithm’s fault. It’s my fault. I’m just not interesting enough. I’m not a good writer. I’m not attractive.
This other post has a lot more likes. The poster who posted that post is better than me.
My post has some likes now, but they’re from my friends so those don’t count.
One person said something negative about my post; now I’ll spend the rest of my day thinking about it.
A lot of other people said nice things, but they don’t really mean them. They’re just being polite.
The person who said the negative thing was probably right. What can I do to make this stranger like me more? I hate that person but I still want to please them.
I should respond and explain my thinking in more developed language. That will make all the difference, surely.
Okay, I’ll never share anything again.
Scenario 3: “I need to make a decision.”
What should I do today? What should I do right now?
I need to return that phone call. I should have called back sooner, and now it’s too late. The person I need to get back to is probably annoyed with me.
I’ll wait another hour or another day and then I’ll worry about it more.
What should I do with my life? What am I working toward? Am I doing anything that matters? Didn’t I used to have dreams and goals?
Maybe I’ll just do what I’ve already been doing. I’ll do what makes other people happy. I’ll keep my head down and not bother anyone.
But I’ll also keep thinking about it.
Conversation Starters
Do you overthink? Do you overthink? Do you overthink?
Ways that overthinking can be helpful.
What stories do you tell yourself about overthinking?
How much time you spent thinking about your last social media post or comment.
I'm definitely an overthinker, but what has helped me use it as a strength instead of a disadvantage is learning to lean into my thoughts. Thinking about my thoughts is a way to switch from unhelpful ruminating ("I can't stop thinking about how awkward I was!") to "why does it matter to me that I felt awkward? Is awkwardness necessarily a bad thing? Is there any proof that my so called 'awkwardness' devalued the conversation?" The 5x5 rule helps a lot here - will this matter in 5 years? If not, don't spend more than 5 minutes thinking about it.
In Internal Family Systems, there’s this idea that we have parts of us who are holding our deepest trauma — they’re called exiles because we exile them from consciousness. They carry our most painful feelings and beliefs, like shame and worthlessness.
When we are awkward or threatened with failure / having these bad feelings or beliefs of the exiles exposed, we have protective parts who go into overdrive, trying to keep us up and out of those bad feelings of the exiles, which exist way down below in the pit of our consciousness.
The parts of us who overthink, in IFS, are called managers. Although the overthinking is extremely painful and frustrating, it is less painful than feeling the deeper pain and shame of the exiles. Therefore, the goal of the managers is simply to keep us up in our heads and out of that deep pit of shame and pain that exists way below in the exiles.
Overthinking will never fully solve the problem of the deeper shame and pain that the exiles carry — it’s just a Band-Aid that helps us get through those patches of bad feelings, with a painful cost.
The long-term solution is to learn how to actually go to the exiles and unburden the shame and pain they carry. Then, when we do or say something weird and awkward, the exiles won’t be so vulnerable to feeling bad about themselves.
Instead of a faux pas triggering a massive spiral of self-criticism and overthinking at a 10/10, it’ll reduce over time to an 8/10, a 6/10, a 4/10. The less shame and pain the exiles carry, the less shame and pain that will rise up whenever something goes wrong in our social life. And then the less the managers have to overthink to protect us from that physical and emotional pain.
For instance, because IFS has absolutely saved my life, and truly helped me reduce the pain and shame of my exiles, I’m able to post here about it, even though I know some people absolutely will criticize me for always posting about IFS. But I am IFS! It’s what saved my life and it’s what I have to offer and I can’t show up authentically and honestly unless I show up with what I have to offer!
When people’s parts criticize me, of course, my managers and exiles feel hurt, but at this point, it’s only at like a 4/10. It is not awesome to be attacked online by strangers I don’t know, but I would rather take the risk of sharing who I really am and participating in this community than hold back what I know and be unexpressed and shut down just because some people have parts that bully other people.
I would not be able to write this post, unless I had unburdened a lot of my exiles who carry shame and the belief that I don’t have a right to show up as who I am.
The reality is that we all have a right to show up just as we are, in all our awkwardness and imperfection and indecision and humanness. We need tools to help our mind find a way to do that. For me, as my offering to the community, IFS is how I’ve learned to do that, and my wish is that I can share my massive knowledge of HOW to transform the mind with IFS in helpful ways. And if IFS is not your cup of tea, please just ignore all my posts!