I'm raising my hand...I relate to all of this!! I'm a therapist and advise people to make a "worry" appointment to purposely worry for 15 or 20 minutes only. But then I worry... is this bad advice?
Keeping "office hours" for your worries was some of the best advice I ever received from a friend. I think it is worthwhile. Gives you perspective as well.
lol Too funny! I am also a therapist. I ask people 'when has any of the things you worry about actually happened?' Don't spend your life living those feelings. Decide if you can do anything productive to help, otherwise, think and imagine great things happening. A much better use of imagination :) And to remember - nobody can be perfect and achieve this all the time....it takes practice to be aware of what you're doing and pivot your thinking. You'll get better and better at it. Take care! :)
lol. I tell people those thing too, and from personal experience I know they help a lot. I suffered from panic disorder, agoraphobia, and major depression during the decade of the 1970s and my recovery using these ideas was the impetus for me becoming a therapist. But you are so right...we can't be perfect all the time. I keep righting the ship... over and over 😂
I suggest hanging out with some people who’ve had bad cancer. We know how to deal with huge worries, including intense gratitude that we get another day to have worries to deal with. It’s like, don’t sweat the small stuff, except it’s, don’t sweat any of the stuff.
PS: The $100 Startup changed my life when it really needed changing.
Worry is normal, that's what we all do as people and humans and clearly not emotional robots that were issued to our parents at negative three and were installed with the wrong OS.
No.
That would be oddly specific, of course.
Worry is fine, but when it bleeds into anxiety is when it is too much. Anxiety is the worry of future events that will never come, right? That need to have all options open and available, the dreaded Schrodinger's email situation (both read and unread at the same time - who knows what it really is without opening the email provider?!).
Sometimes it is best just to write down all the things that worry you. It may not solve anything, but that act can at least allievate some of the issues with worrying. And, seeing it out on paper can help make it seem managable too, mostly that is.
Mostly.
As far as my worries?
Totally not a good man.
Totally not a worthy man.
Totally not a man who deserves many things.
Yet, here I am and I must sit in the uncomfortableness of existence and allow myself to worry about these things.
I felt a slight panic when I read your newsletter! I'm the type that likes to get things done and out of the way. Since that doesn't always work, I put the more impotant things to do on a list and then try to focus on getting at least one thing done at a time. It might take a while, but focusing on one thing helps with overwhelm.
Life has taught me to paint in broad strokes! However my travails with Paranoid Schizophrenia have compelled me to think again. I’m making headway but it’s alien to me to zoom in and be as vulnerable as you are in this newsletter. As a fiftysomething progressive, I know I am a paradox. Vulnerability has long since been embodied as weakness. The progressive in me, intellectually, knows that vulnerability is strength so there’s a gap I need to bridge. And yet, to see the world the way you do, I know I must find the nuances in life if I am to find peace. I know the gap is reducing; yoctometre by yoctometre. But in any case, thanks for the steer on what I’m pursuing, inspirational! If you’re curious about my journey from broad strokes to nuanced living then feel free to look my Substack up.
I like the PS of "not every worry has a solution". That's very true and a good reminder. I have moments where I worry too much as well. But really, a lot of the worries only exist in my mind.
Fungus gnats are back in two of my plants - after months of repotting and trouble-shooting and propagating and just plain old throwing away - and Monday night at 11 pm as I put my head down to go to sleep, I started obsessing about how those two culprits were going to re-infect all my plants overnight and by the morning, I'd have gnats clogging up all my facial orifices (apologies). I obsessed over this for about three hours, tossing and turning and trying to talk myself out of this... until at 2 am, I said fuck it and got out of bed and spent the next hour taking care of the plants. And then at 3 am, I got back into bed and fell to sleep, likely out of sheer exhaustion, but maybe also because I just gave in to the obsession and said, "Okok, you psycho, I'll do it."
This is not to say that all obsessions can be neatly resolved like this...
In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that this was not really the problem, but it became the problem, because it was a problem I could solve right then.
This really hit close to home for me. Just yesterday, I finally opened an email that I'd been avoiding for over a week. It was an automated portal login link to view my routine medical test results and a huge part of me just didn't want to know what was in there!
For an entire week, I'd been consumed by thoughts of what might be in there. Were the results unfavorable? Did I have something serious? What if it was terminal? The anticipation had become so agonizing that I finally decided to just read the report. As I logged into this portal, I realized that in that moment that no other worry in the world mattered except the one that was right in front of me. Letting go of all my other worries usually circled my mind like clockwork actually felt like a huge relief. After reading the results, I realized two things: first, that I had worried for nothing, and second, that there are very few worries in life that truly matter in the end.
All relatable! And to the email issue... I recognize that there is overwhelm to respond with something as equally thoughtful or as lengthy as what someone might have sent me, especially a friend. A quick, "hey, I'm so happy to hear from you. Thinking about you too. More soon!" or something to that effect, keeps it brief, acknowledges the person, and you can have time to come back to it.
I can relate to all of this! In a moment of clarity that flits by from time to time I wonder if the way out of the cycle is to find peace in the worry.
Like “oh there’s that worry again.” It’s visiting like a wellness check from a police officer.
Just because it stops by doesn’t mean there is a problem.
It’s seeking attention and if I can look at it (even for a minute or two) and stay completely neutral - just access the facts - I can train my brain to stop and assess before it goes berserk.
I concur! If you've read "No Bad Parts" by Dr. Richard Schwartz or are familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems) you'll know why. Contextualising my feelings in the way you describe "oh there's that worry again." is an art I'm trying to master.
I have heard of IFS and Dr. Richard Schwartz, but haven't read his book. It's going on the list now though. I've heard a few personal development gurus talk about him and his work. Thanks!!
I’m a procrastinator… so I can relate to worrying about stuff. Best instead of worrying pick one thing and take action. Maybe you have 30 emails that need a reply. Answer one. And then take a coffee break. Make a list of all your worries. I’m tired of worrying…I’m working on changing my mindset!
This is me! So, so overwhelmed! I think it’s that feeling of overwhelm that stops me from responding to emails and other messages in a timely manner. How do people get to Inbox Zero? I have 11,392 emails in my inboxes. A lot are ‘newsletters’ from businesses telling me their latest deals. I can lose hours trying to collect them all for deletion but never get to the end. Then that worries me. I hate email as a system of communication. It ruins my life. It needs total reform so nobody can get in our inboxes without our express permission.
A big worry is that I always take on too much. It’s a lifelong habit I’m still trying and failing to break at age 67.
Biggest worry currently is I’m simply not getting things done. Be they work (self-employed artist type work), fun or exercise and health. I write them down; schedule them; set reminders; set SHOUTY reminders; yet I cannot force myself to do them. I have an appointment for initial assessment for counselling/therapy at 10:00 this morning. I need them to understand that CBT won’t work. Giving me Things To Do to combat it will not work. I need them to question me, to get to the bottom of it and unlock the hidden door. Wish me luck! Or something.
Everybody I know who's trying to make an impact on something they're passionate about has this same complaint - they're time-poor, meaning there's not enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the year, or years in a lifetime - to do what they're trying to. So, doesn't that tell us something? Of course, we ARE trying to do too much! The obvious answer is to "let go" of some of our goals. For maybe a year or two ... well, at least for today! ;)
Visited a professional artist on Wednesday. He was working in his studio-cum-gallery. Cheerfully chatted with me and a couple of other people, answering our questions readily, but never stopped working on his current painting. The walls were full to overflowing with his completed works - and it's a big room. He's been doing this for a living, full-time since the mid 1980s. Self-taught, too. I doubt he worries about a thing. But he sure makes a lot of art. He's chosen one thing that he loves doing, and just keeps on doing it. Maybe I could try that approach?
I think the majority of us can relate. Worrying about time passing, not enough time in the day, week, years... What has helped me is keeping a "pending list of items" and setting priority, updating it regularly (some things will just naturally get off the list without action - I will realize it was not that urgent or necessary to act upon in the end). But I still have a tendency to worry. The only thing that has brought me a sense of peace, so far, is accepting the discomfort, the fact that there will always be more on the to-do (it's a never ending story), and trying to making peace with it, via meditation. Long silent retreats in particular have been helpful, although the first day would be very uncomfortable (too many things to do in my head!) but then something magical will eventually happen, I will realize that the world did not stop spinning in the meantime... My nervous system will calm down, and finally, finally, that sweet sense of peace, of just appreciating it to be in the present moment. Interestingly, that's precisely that sense of peace that allows me to be more focused and productive afterwards. I know some people have reservation about meditation (and it takes more than 10 min a day to work), but it can truly change the way you relate to the sense of urgency (that time is too short) in your life and the endless to-do list. But it's an exercise that needs to be cultivated. Once you have na established practice, it becomes easier (and does not require as much time on a daily basis, because many moments are opportunities to take a step back and choose how we wish to respond in the moment, instead of reacting out to emotional impuse). The space it creates is truly delicious. Life saving for me. Without it, there are times where I feel I would have gone crazy.
I'm raising my hand...I relate to all of this!! I'm a therapist and advise people to make a "worry" appointment to purposely worry for 15 or 20 minutes only. But then I worry... is this bad advice?
Keeping "office hours" for your worries was some of the best advice I ever received from a friend. I think it is worthwhile. Gives you perspective as well.
lol Too funny! I am also a therapist. I ask people 'when has any of the things you worry about actually happened?' Don't spend your life living those feelings. Decide if you can do anything productive to help, otherwise, think and imagine great things happening. A much better use of imagination :) And to remember - nobody can be perfect and achieve this all the time....it takes practice to be aware of what you're doing and pivot your thinking. You'll get better and better at it. Take care! :)
lol. I tell people those thing too, and from personal experience I know they help a lot. I suffered from panic disorder, agoraphobia, and major depression during the decade of the 1970s and my recovery using these ideas was the impetus for me becoming a therapist. But you are so right...we can't be perfect all the time. I keep righting the ship... over and over 😂
So glad you were able to find your way back from that. I too, right my ship frequently!
This is SO relatable. But instead of sharing my worries here, I think I'll go journal. <3
I suggest hanging out with some people who’ve had bad cancer. We know how to deal with huge worries, including intense gratitude that we get another day to have worries to deal with. It’s like, don’t sweat the small stuff, except it’s, don’t sweat any of the stuff.
PS: The $100 Startup changed my life when it really needed changing.
Worry is normal, that's what we all do as people and humans and clearly not emotional robots that were issued to our parents at negative three and were installed with the wrong OS.
No.
That would be oddly specific, of course.
Worry is fine, but when it bleeds into anxiety is when it is too much. Anxiety is the worry of future events that will never come, right? That need to have all options open and available, the dreaded Schrodinger's email situation (both read and unread at the same time - who knows what it really is without opening the email provider?!).
Sometimes it is best just to write down all the things that worry you. It may not solve anything, but that act can at least allievate some of the issues with worrying. And, seeing it out on paper can help make it seem managable too, mostly that is.
Mostly.
As far as my worries?
Totally not a good man.
Totally not a worthy man.
Totally not a man who deserves many things.
Yet, here I am and I must sit in the uncomfortableness of existence and allow myself to worry about these things.
I felt a slight panic when I read your newsletter! I'm the type that likes to get things done and out of the way. Since that doesn't always work, I put the more impotant things to do on a list and then try to focus on getting at least one thing done at a time. It might take a while, but focusing on one thing helps with overwhelm.
Life has taught me to paint in broad strokes! However my travails with Paranoid Schizophrenia have compelled me to think again. I’m making headway but it’s alien to me to zoom in and be as vulnerable as you are in this newsletter. As a fiftysomething progressive, I know I am a paradox. Vulnerability has long since been embodied as weakness. The progressive in me, intellectually, knows that vulnerability is strength so there’s a gap I need to bridge. And yet, to see the world the way you do, I know I must find the nuances in life if I am to find peace. I know the gap is reducing; yoctometre by yoctometre. But in any case, thanks for the steer on what I’m pursuing, inspirational! If you’re curious about my journey from broad strokes to nuanced living then feel free to look my Substack up.
I like the PS of "not every worry has a solution". That's very true and a good reminder. I have moments where I worry too much as well. But really, a lot of the worries only exist in my mind.
Fungus gnats are back in two of my plants - after months of repotting and trouble-shooting and propagating and just plain old throwing away - and Monday night at 11 pm as I put my head down to go to sleep, I started obsessing about how those two culprits were going to re-infect all my plants overnight and by the morning, I'd have gnats clogging up all my facial orifices (apologies). I obsessed over this for about three hours, tossing and turning and trying to talk myself out of this... until at 2 am, I said fuck it and got out of bed and spent the next hour taking care of the plants. And then at 3 am, I got back into bed and fell to sleep, likely out of sheer exhaustion, but maybe also because I just gave in to the obsession and said, "Okok, you psycho, I'll do it."
This is not to say that all obsessions can be neatly resolved like this...
In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that this was not really the problem, but it became the problem, because it was a problem I could solve right then.
This really hit close to home for me. Just yesterday, I finally opened an email that I'd been avoiding for over a week. It was an automated portal login link to view my routine medical test results and a huge part of me just didn't want to know what was in there!
For an entire week, I'd been consumed by thoughts of what might be in there. Were the results unfavorable? Did I have something serious? What if it was terminal? The anticipation had become so agonizing that I finally decided to just read the report. As I logged into this portal, I realized that in that moment that no other worry in the world mattered except the one that was right in front of me. Letting go of all my other worries usually circled my mind like clockwork actually felt like a huge relief. After reading the results, I realized two things: first, that I had worried for nothing, and second, that there are very few worries in life that truly matter in the end.
All relatable! And to the email issue... I recognize that there is overwhelm to respond with something as equally thoughtful or as lengthy as what someone might have sent me, especially a friend. A quick, "hey, I'm so happy to hear from you. Thinking about you too. More soon!" or something to that effect, keeps it brief, acknowledges the person, and you can have time to come back to it.
I can relate to all of this! In a moment of clarity that flits by from time to time I wonder if the way out of the cycle is to find peace in the worry.
Like “oh there’s that worry again.” It’s visiting like a wellness check from a police officer.
Just because it stops by doesn’t mean there is a problem.
It’s seeking attention and if I can look at it (even for a minute or two) and stay completely neutral - just access the facts - I can train my brain to stop and assess before it goes berserk.
IDK - That’s the theory.
I concur! If you've read "No Bad Parts" by Dr. Richard Schwartz or are familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems) you'll know why. Contextualising my feelings in the way you describe "oh there's that worry again." is an art I'm trying to master.
I have heard of IFS and Dr. Richard Schwartz, but haven't read his book. It's going on the list now though. I've heard a few personal development gurus talk about him and his work. Thanks!!
I’m a procrastinator… so I can relate to worrying about stuff. Best instead of worrying pick one thing and take action. Maybe you have 30 emails that need a reply. Answer one. And then take a coffee break. Make a list of all your worries. I’m tired of worrying…I’m working on changing my mindset!
This is me! So, so overwhelmed! I think it’s that feeling of overwhelm that stops me from responding to emails and other messages in a timely manner. How do people get to Inbox Zero? I have 11,392 emails in my inboxes. A lot are ‘newsletters’ from businesses telling me their latest deals. I can lose hours trying to collect them all for deletion but never get to the end. Then that worries me. I hate email as a system of communication. It ruins my life. It needs total reform so nobody can get in our inboxes without our express permission.
A big worry is that I always take on too much. It’s a lifelong habit I’m still trying and failing to break at age 67.
Biggest worry currently is I’m simply not getting things done. Be they work (self-employed artist type work), fun or exercise and health. I write them down; schedule them; set reminders; set SHOUTY reminders; yet I cannot force myself to do them. I have an appointment for initial assessment for counselling/therapy at 10:00 this morning. I need them to understand that CBT won’t work. Giving me Things To Do to combat it will not work. I need them to question me, to get to the bottom of it and unlock the hidden door. Wish me luck! Or something.
"I always take on too much" ... Me, too!
Everybody I know who's trying to make an impact on something they're passionate about has this same complaint - they're time-poor, meaning there's not enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the year, or years in a lifetime - to do what they're trying to. So, doesn't that tell us something? Of course, we ARE trying to do too much! The obvious answer is to "let go" of some of our goals. For maybe a year or two ... well, at least for today! ;)
Visited a professional artist on Wednesday. He was working in his studio-cum-gallery. Cheerfully chatted with me and a couple of other people, answering our questions readily, but never stopped working on his current painting. The walls were full to overflowing with his completed works - and it's a big room. He's been doing this for a living, full-time since the mid 1980s. Self-taught, too. I doubt he worries about a thing. But he sure makes a lot of art. He's chosen one thing that he loves doing, and just keeps on doing it. Maybe I could try that approach?
Appreciate this worry piece so much - so relatable!
I share so many of these worries.
It feels better to know you're there with me.
I think the majority of us can relate. Worrying about time passing, not enough time in the day, week, years... What has helped me is keeping a "pending list of items" and setting priority, updating it regularly (some things will just naturally get off the list without action - I will realize it was not that urgent or necessary to act upon in the end). But I still have a tendency to worry. The only thing that has brought me a sense of peace, so far, is accepting the discomfort, the fact that there will always be more on the to-do (it's a never ending story), and trying to making peace with it, via meditation. Long silent retreats in particular have been helpful, although the first day would be very uncomfortable (too many things to do in my head!) but then something magical will eventually happen, I will realize that the world did not stop spinning in the meantime... My nervous system will calm down, and finally, finally, that sweet sense of peace, of just appreciating it to be in the present moment. Interestingly, that's precisely that sense of peace that allows me to be more focused and productive afterwards. I know some people have reservation about meditation (and it takes more than 10 min a day to work), but it can truly change the way you relate to the sense of urgency (that time is too short) in your life and the endless to-do list. But it's an exercise that needs to be cultivated. Once you have na established practice, it becomes easier (and does not require as much time on a daily basis, because many moments are opportunities to take a step back and choose how we wish to respond in the moment, instead of reacting out to emotional impuse). The space it creates is truly delicious. Life saving for me. Without it, there are times where I feel I would have gone crazy.