Trying to pretend I was okay when my financial situation had taken a toll on me was exhausting. While I wasn’t ready at the time to give the full story, I did start talking about it more in podcast interviews and in my own writing. It was freeing— like I was allow a part of myself that was carrying so much to be witnessed.
I am what I am what I am and I have always liked what I am...and have never had a desire to be other than what I am. I like me! My husband used to say, "You really like yourself! Don't you?" i would reply, "Why not?"
For many people, authenticity is a nice-to-have, but I think for some, it’s life-or-death.
Despite progress in allowing people to be more honest or out of the closet about their trauma histories, some of us are forced to be “in the closet” because our life histories are so far outside the norm that it’s not functional to be out and about with the truth of our life experiences.
There are truths about the depravity of this world that are so far out, the majority of people we meet simply cannot hold those realities.
As a result, sadly, the most traumatized people are the ones who – if they are authentic – will be endlessly bullied and attacked, and not supported if they speak the truth of their experiences.
So we pretend to be normal, even though that is not at all the truth – it’s kind of like veterans pretending to be civilians, because the civilians can’t handle the reality of war that the veterans are bringing into the space.
As a childhood war survivor, basically, I don’t generally share the details of my apocalyptic childhood captivity.
But the more I find my chosen tribe of people with whom I don’t have to pretend, and I’m free to share the truth of my experience of this very heavy planet, the more I don’t have to carry the heaviness myself.
The less alone I am with it.
So much of the burden of chronic post traumatic stress disorder is just the loneliness and the isolation of having gone to hell and come back and feeling like there’s nobody to receive me or I’m an alien that can’t be held in society like other people.
It’s true, I can’t be held in society at large because society at large is in denial about how extremely unwell it is.
But by finding my little niches of society, where I can be held, where I can be authentic, I heal.
I put down the burden of the isolation of my tremendous, lived knowing of the raw truth of evil.
That is deeply healing and liberating.
Despite the effort to find those very unique little niches, it’s ultra worth it.
As a life coach, I’ve had so many people sit in front of me absolutely shredded – crying, deeply grieving – about the fact they’ve invested so much time and energy into careers and lives that aren’t their own.
People say things like, “I created a life that looks beautiful on the outside, and it works for everyone else – but not for me.”
Whether you call it people pleasing or codependence or whatever, it’s crushing to see people feel alienated from the lives they’ve built.
The road back to alignment is hard and may involve losing a lot the relationships, life styles, and careers they’ve invested significant time and energy into — sometimes for decades.
So, as a mental health professional, my advice is don’t go down this road!
Whenever you have the choice to make a decision that’s more in alignment with the truth of who you are, take it.
Creating a persona or somehow trying to fake your way through your life will not serve your soul.
It will just make you hollow inside and then one day you’ll be sitting with a life coach or therapist crying about the IMMENSE grief your life is creating. It’s not worth it.
Chris, you're so right. Pretending is exhausting. It takes so much energy to pretend that we are someone that we're not. People will stop pretending when they finally learn self-acceptance. I am certainly not saying that it's easy. Being true to yourself is the first step. Some people will love you for it and some will not because you will no longer be their puppet. Thank you for sharing!
This hits home. I was recently talking to a friend about making myself smaller to fit in someone’s life, because I am transparent, genuine, and an open book; to put forth low effort or emotional investment in others goes against what comes naturally to me. I crave equal transparency in every relationship, and to go below the surface.
My friend said he hoped I would continue to be myself because he thinks I’m a good human. This gave me confidence, hearing it from someone else, that being me is best.
I feel a little angry that a turd boss hired a 16 year old (I’m assuming no other job experience) and expected that with minimal training you’d be perfect for the telemarketer job and he was free to fire you if not. Any job requires you to grow as a person—be less shy, more talkative, etc. I’m sad you had a terrible boss who gave up on you and let you go besides. We should expect our supervisors to be mentors and we should step up to mentor. My proudest experience was when I knew I’d be leaving a sexist and abusive job but I mentored a new female employee trying to make her more resilient. She was appreciative. I paved the way for someone. Everyone should endeavor to make life easier for others and encourage growth.
life coach, I’ve had so many people sit in front of me absolutely shredded – crying, deeply grieving – about the fact they’ve invested so much time and energy into careers and lives that aren’t their own.
People say things like, “I created a life that looks beautiful on the outside, and it works for everyone else – but not for me.”
Whether you call it people pleasing or codependence or whatever, it’s crushing to see people feel alienated from the lives they’ve built.
The road back to alignment is hard and may involve losing a lot the relationships, life styles, and careers they’ve invested significant time and energy into — sometimes for decades.
So, as a mental health professional, my advice is don’t go down this road!
Whenever you have the choice to make a decision that’s more in alignment with the truth of who you are, take it.
Creating a persona or somehow trying to fake your way through your life will not serve your soul.
It will just make you hollow inside and then one day you’ll be sitting with a life coach or therapist crying about the IMMENSE grief your life is creating. It’s not worth it.
Being on the autistic spectrum I often find myself camouflaging, or adapting to my surroundings to such an (unhealthy) extent that I will afterwards think to myself - who was that acting/talking?
I don't have any answers, however I've noticed recently that leaning into my authenticity has created spaces where I felt weird in the moment (whereas before I'd mask to make interactions smoother).
The encouraging thing I've noticed is that the world goes on, and I suspect people notice the awkwardness less that I imagine, (though I do pick up micro expressions of unease at times).
I am not suggesting I go out of my way to be an abrasive person, however sometimes the I like to point out the (sometimes painful) obvious.
It's a work in progress, and will continue to be I suspect (55M)
I call it crazy clown 🤡 face. No one looks this happy always. I don't like that expectation. My father laughing at my sisters wake. So many photos posted on Facebook.Never an acceptable time to just be sad. I realize people grieve differently.
Trying to pretend I was okay when my financial situation had taken a toll on me was exhausting. While I wasn’t ready at the time to give the full story, I did start talking about it more in podcast interviews and in my own writing. It was freeing— like I was allow a part of myself that was carrying so much to be witnessed.
I am what I am what I am and I have always liked what I am...and have never had a desire to be other than what I am. I like me! My husband used to say, "You really like yourself! Don't you?" i would reply, "Why not?"
Love this! Maybe we can label it Radical Acceptance. Beautiful to hear!
Another take on pretending:
The more authentic I become, the healthier I get.
For many people, authenticity is a nice-to-have, but I think for some, it’s life-or-death.
Despite progress in allowing people to be more honest or out of the closet about their trauma histories, some of us are forced to be “in the closet” because our life histories are so far outside the norm that it’s not functional to be out and about with the truth of our life experiences.
There are truths about the depravity of this world that are so far out, the majority of people we meet simply cannot hold those realities.
As a result, sadly, the most traumatized people are the ones who – if they are authentic – will be endlessly bullied and attacked, and not supported if they speak the truth of their experiences.
So we pretend to be normal, even though that is not at all the truth – it’s kind of like veterans pretending to be civilians, because the civilians can’t handle the reality of war that the veterans are bringing into the space.
As a childhood war survivor, basically, I don’t generally share the details of my apocalyptic childhood captivity.
But the more I find my chosen tribe of people with whom I don’t have to pretend, and I’m free to share the truth of my experience of this very heavy planet, the more I don’t have to carry the heaviness myself.
The less alone I am with it.
So much of the burden of chronic post traumatic stress disorder is just the loneliness and the isolation of having gone to hell and come back and feeling like there’s nobody to receive me or I’m an alien that can’t be held in society like other people.
It’s true, I can’t be held in society at large because society at large is in denial about how extremely unwell it is.
But by finding my little niches of society, where I can be held, where I can be authentic, I heal.
I put down the burden of the isolation of my tremendous, lived knowing of the raw truth of evil.
That is deeply healing and liberating.
Despite the effort to find those very unique little niches, it’s ultra worth it.
As a life coach, I’ve had so many people sit in front of me absolutely shredded – crying, deeply grieving – about the fact they’ve invested so much time and energy into careers and lives that aren’t their own.
People say things like, “I created a life that looks beautiful on the outside, and it works for everyone else – but not for me.”
Whether you call it people pleasing or codependence or whatever, it’s crushing to see people feel alienated from the lives they’ve built.
The road back to alignment is hard and may involve losing a lot the relationships, life styles, and careers they’ve invested significant time and energy into — sometimes for decades.
So, as a mental health professional, my advice is don’t go down this road!
Whenever you have the choice to make a decision that’s more in alignment with the truth of who you are, take it.
Creating a persona or somehow trying to fake your way through your life will not serve your soul.
It will just make you hollow inside and then one day you’ll be sitting with a life coach or therapist crying about the IMMENSE grief your life is creating. It’s not worth it.
Chris, you're so right. Pretending is exhausting. It takes so much energy to pretend that we are someone that we're not. People will stop pretending when they finally learn self-acceptance. I am certainly not saying that it's easy. Being true to yourself is the first step. Some people will love you for it and some will not because you will no longer be their puppet. Thank you for sharing!
This hits home. I was recently talking to a friend about making myself smaller to fit in someone’s life, because I am transparent, genuine, and an open book; to put forth low effort or emotional investment in others goes against what comes naturally to me. I crave equal transparency in every relationship, and to go below the surface.
My friend said he hoped I would continue to be myself because he thinks I’m a good human. This gave me confidence, hearing it from someone else, that being me is best.
I feel a little angry that a turd boss hired a 16 year old (I’m assuming no other job experience) and expected that with minimal training you’d be perfect for the telemarketer job and he was free to fire you if not. Any job requires you to grow as a person—be less shy, more talkative, etc. I’m sad you had a terrible boss who gave up on you and let you go besides. We should expect our supervisors to be mentors and we should step up to mentor. My proudest experience was when I knew I’d be leaving a sexist and abusive job but I mentored a new female employee trying to make her more resilient. She was appreciative. I paved the way for someone. Everyone should endeavor to make life easier for others and encourage growth.
It is exhausting, and also I've noticed that a lot of people in my life liked me better when I was not authentic.
As an Internal Family Systems
life coach, I’ve had so many people sit in front of me absolutely shredded – crying, deeply grieving – about the fact they’ve invested so much time and energy into careers and lives that aren’t their own.
People say things like, “I created a life that looks beautiful on the outside, and it works for everyone else – but not for me.”
Whether you call it people pleasing or codependence or whatever, it’s crushing to see people feel alienated from the lives they’ve built.
The road back to alignment is hard and may involve losing a lot the relationships, life styles, and careers they’ve invested significant time and energy into — sometimes for decades.
So, as a mental health professional, my advice is don’t go down this road!
Whenever you have the choice to make a decision that’s more in alignment with the truth of who you are, take it.
Creating a persona or somehow trying to fake your way through your life will not serve your soul.
It will just make you hollow inside and then one day you’ll be sitting with a life coach or therapist crying about the IMMENSE grief your life is creating. It’s not worth it.
This struck a chord!
Being on the autistic spectrum I often find myself camouflaging, or adapting to my surroundings to such an (unhealthy) extent that I will afterwards think to myself - who was that acting/talking?
I don't have any answers, however I've noticed recently that leaning into my authenticity has created spaces where I felt weird in the moment (whereas before I'd mask to make interactions smoother).
The encouraging thing I've noticed is that the world goes on, and I suspect people notice the awkwardness less that I imagine, (though I do pick up micro expressions of unease at times).
I am not suggesting I go out of my way to be an abrasive person, however sometimes the I like to point out the (sometimes painful) obvious.
It's a work in progress, and will continue to be I suspect (55M)
I call it crazy clown 🤡 face. No one looks this happy always. I don't like that expectation. My father laughing at my sisters wake. So many photos posted on Facebook.Never an acceptable time to just be sad. I realize people grieve differently.