A line in this essay stood out to me: “balanced people don’t change the world”. This strikes a chord with me! I am that balanced person, and changing the world is not something I am meant to do. I don’t even have huge plans for myself and my loved ones. I have small plans to tweak things. (Like home improvement projects)
I came to terms with not knowing how to do everything a long time ago, and now I need to accept my role I think, specifically in relation to others. Maybe I can support others more intentionally. I’ll be contemplating this idea this weekend.
I love the authenticity here. None of us are experts at everything, and it helps to cultivate compassion not only for others, but for ourselves. Leverage strengths, absolutely!
I still struggle with 'running a business'. I have read books, done webinars, been in groups, etc etc etc. Yet after ALL these years, it still hangs me up. I'm currently in a position with a customer where I have to now oversee two other freelancers. I've learned a ton just this past year. It's driving me crazy, but I am learning...
Can you include things I tried to learn, but couldn't? I tried to learn the guitar. I even learned how to play a couple of songs to a presentable level thanks to a very patient teacher. But I tried to play one song I loved and had the chords to and I just couldn't do it, no matter how many times I practiced it. There was one chord change that my hands simply refused, and it wasn't that complicated a song. I came to the conclusion that music was not my destiny, and went back to writing novels.
I tried to learn guitar and it never clicked for me, but I learned violin and that was a different story! Things seemed to make more sense especially one note at a time.
Completely relate to this - I tried by buying a sweet drum kit when I turned 40 and subsequently sold after a year of jamming along with Everclear (I use the term jamming very, very loosely).
I don't recall ever 'learning' to change a tire. I might have watched and I might be able to figure out... but first tell me where to find the jack. LOL. On a serious note I won't tell you how many times I had to retake algebra in order to get the minimum passing grade to get my degree requirements met. Algebra is not something I learned.
In a McGuyver moment, I used the jack and a piece of plywood to jack up a super heavy workbench in order to put sliders under the legs to move it. I was pretty impressed with my handy work but also know I had to google how to actually use the jack. And the next time I used it, I had to google it again.
I had a couple of near drowning experiences and still have never learned to swim! And I'm an elder babe.
I can swim under water but one does need oxygen after a bit. Therefore I have not learned to dive and am quite certain I will never surf in this lifetime although it sure is fun to watch.
Me too! I fell into a pool around age 3 and my godfather saved me. He was swimming underwater and I kinda fell toward him. Never really learned to swim but I can float on my back. Enjoy showers, hot tubs and the ocean right up to my ankles. I think I’ve come to terms with never having $80,000 for an in ground swimming pool. We may have come from the ocean (JFK?) but we are landlubbers now.
I am fully unable to tell time on a clock face. It's not that I "don't know how," it is that I somehow am unable to put together the knowledge with what I am seeing. I have good coping skills for this - not just wearing a digital watch, but a lot of memorization of specific hand positions so I can basically "remember" what key times, like the time I need to get up or take pills or whatever, look like.
I have had literally dozens of people try to show or teach me ways to do it over the years, and for what it's worth my undergrad degree is in PURE MATHEMATICS, so you'd think I could manage "divide a circle into parts that equate to values," but no.
I’m just the opposite—I can read a digital clock, but that doesn’t translate to actually knowing what time it really is. I have to look at a clock face for that. Of course, the pandemic completely dysregulated any sense of time I may have had, so it probably doesn’t matter anymore whether I can read a digital clock (or a date that’s all numbers—is 12/7 Dec 7 or July 12? Does it matter anyway? Discuss.)
I moved a lot as a kid, so I missed learning how to tell time on a circular clock. It was the 80’s and almost everything was digital, but this caught up with me in French class in 6th grade when the teacher used a paper plate pretend clock to teach us French time words. French I can do; time in English I can’t!
Math was a problem. Due to my massive trauma-based amnesia, as a child huge swaths of my memory were blanked out. To not notice how many holes I had in my memory, I gravitated towards all things non-linear: English, poetry, art, imagination. Skipping around without going through a linear sequence means you don’t notice you have a big, gaping hole somewhere in the middle of the sequence.
Linearity by itself was triggering to my house-of-cards inner organization. I needed to NEVER be reminded that I was missing huge chunks of memory, time and reality. Math’s linearity was a potential trigger to remind me on a deep, subconscious level that things are not right, things in a sequence are missing.
I loved geometry, but once failed to turn in any homework for a semester due to these inner conflicts. I got a D that quarter, despite getting straight A’s every other quarter and an A on the final. My teacher wouldn’t let me make up the work. So, a B for the year. Thanks trauma!
I quit math as soon as humanly possible, after Algebra II. Never took pre-calc, calculus or trig. Hallelujah! Never needed them anyway!!
Linear processes like filling out forms or wrangling with computer difficulties still stress me out, but the more I heal my trauma the less they inflame my nervous system. I’ve surfaced a lot of the repressed memories that once threatened my sanity. If I get triggered it’s not potentially life or mind-ending; stressful but not unbearable.
Nonetheless, my linear-thinking phobia — my mind worrying it will be trapped into seeing or experiencing a necessary step that needs to be hidden and never acknowledged — persists. I get around it by continuing to avoid linear processes as much as possible and putting my head down to do the deep trauma work that’s the long-term solution. I still have a lot of amnesia so I have a long way to go, but I take it one day at a time.
Sometimes we don’t learn things in order to survive what we’re going through. And for that I’m grateful. I wouldn’t be here, or sane, without widespread adaptive amnesia and its very weird side-effects, including not learning to do things in a linear way.
So the next time you encounter someone with a linear-thinking deficit, consider that it may be an adaptive response to trauma. It certainly was and still is for me!
At 56, I quit my job of 27 years and talked my husband to do the same. We sold our house and moved from Atlanta to Asheville. For a new start, new jobs,new us. Unfortunately, we moved in January, 2020.
The lists of things that I didn’t know and didn’t know I didn’t know are too long to go into but basically the whole set of starting over.
What I really learned was that I could learn. I think that had been my fear for so long - could I learn a new industry, make new friends, heck, learn my way around a new grocery store?
Excel spreadsheets. And while we’re on the subject of sheets, folding a fitted bedsheet is not possible. Just shove it behind some towels in the closet. Then drive to some place where parallel parking is not required. That falls under the rubric of geometry, anyway. Congratulations on sparing yourself all that stress!
I've never learned to speak another language. Somehow being monolingual (I had to look that up) feels like a deficit as I've met more people around the world who are at least bilingual. I would love to learn Italian -- mostly through immersion in a Italy! And recently contemplated learning Spanish. I started volunteering for a new org and found many of the people are Spanish-speaking and how much I admired those who could translate for us.
Full immersion is the way. It helps that Italians don’t speak English even if they know it( unlike the Germans who are polite to switch every time but that details learning) Cheaper if you go the Agriturismo way. Or go teach in your desired country. Using that to learn Norwegian and Korean next.
Practicing non-judgement is something I am trying to learn. Sometimes it takes years to understand that the “awful” thing a parent or someone did or said was out of love or fear for your safety. The wisest thing a friend shared was to tell me to just observe and listen—it’s all just information. Don’t react. It’s not about you even if they’re in your face saying it’s about you. It’s neither good nor bad but a reflection of where that person is at mentally and emotionally. And I have to say after a long while I let that sink in and it’s truly wise and shuts down a lot of drama, hurt feelings and obsessing over a whole lot of nothing sometimes.
LOL - I can name all of the items in the picture (and have used most of them - not too much call for ice tongs in Virginia, though), but I am seriously challenged when it comes to crafty things like scrapbooking and making anything with those paper die cut thingys… I try to avoid going into Michael’s - it’s depressing to realize I don’t even know what most of the stuff is, much less what to do with it.
There's a reason companies such as Taskrabbit exist. During a recent move, I went through half of the steps to put my new bed together (before moving day), gave up, and called in help. It turns out I did it wrong. When I got a new bookshelf, the pieces sat on my floor before I directly texted the guy from Taskrabbit. (He charges less when he doesn't have to give them a commission and encourages that.)
There's a lot I don't know how to do, a lot I've started and given up on, and a lot I might return to.
There are things I can do but prefer to avoid when I can pay someone else to do them better. This might sound elitist, but some things don't get done because I neither want to do them nor pay for them.
I once published a piece on Medium about giving a man a fish vs. teaching a man to fish. I concluded that sometimes, I just want to eat the damn fish. The piece was about outsourcing and how, while self-sufficiency is great, our ego often insists we should do it ourselves when we don't have to or don't have the skills of a professional. We should challenge ourselves, get out of our comfort zone, challenge our notions about our abilities and get self-satisfaction. Still, sometimes, satisfaction comes from giving up the frustration of trying to do the thing and knowing who to call. Inherent to that is the skill of resourcefulness. (e.g., Taskrabbit, a plumber, or the furnace repair guy)
Despite my ADHD need for dopamine, I like to keep my feet on the ground, so cycling was never my thing.
It's never too late to learn if you want to, but there are some things people can't learn. Not everyone is suited to everything, and that's okay.
Trust me, dyscalculia is areal thing. I was told I was lazy,stupid,not trying hard enough. I found out as an adult I was none of those things!
Is there a similar term for an inability to comprehend financial topics? I have that for sure.
A line in this essay stood out to me: “balanced people don’t change the world”. This strikes a chord with me! I am that balanced person, and changing the world is not something I am meant to do. I don’t even have huge plans for myself and my loved ones. I have small plans to tweak things. (Like home improvement projects)
I came to terms with not knowing how to do everything a long time ago, and now I need to accept my role I think, specifically in relation to others. Maybe I can support others more intentionally. I’ll be contemplating this idea this weekend.
I love the authenticity here. None of us are experts at everything, and it helps to cultivate compassion not only for others, but for ourselves. Leverage strengths, absolutely!
I still struggle with 'running a business'. I have read books, done webinars, been in groups, etc etc etc. Yet after ALL these years, it still hangs me up. I'm currently in a position with a customer where I have to now oversee two other freelancers. I've learned a ton just this past year. It's driving me crazy, but I am learning...
Can you include things I tried to learn, but couldn't? I tried to learn the guitar. I even learned how to play a couple of songs to a presentable level thanks to a very patient teacher. But I tried to play one song I loved and had the chords to and I just couldn't do it, no matter how many times I practiced it. There was one chord change that my hands simply refused, and it wasn't that complicated a song. I came to the conclusion that music was not my destiny, and went back to writing novels.
I tried to learn guitar and it never clicked for me, but I learned violin and that was a different story! Things seemed to make more sense especially one note at a time.
Completely relate to this - I tried by buying a sweet drum kit when I turned 40 and subsequently sold after a year of jamming along with Everclear (I use the term jamming very, very loosely).
I don't recall ever 'learning' to change a tire. I might have watched and I might be able to figure out... but first tell me where to find the jack. LOL. On a serious note I won't tell you how many times I had to retake algebra in order to get the minimum passing grade to get my degree requirements met. Algebra is not something I learned.
In a McGuyver moment, I used the jack and a piece of plywood to jack up a super heavy workbench in order to put sliders under the legs to move it. I was pretty impressed with my handy work but also know I had to google how to actually use the jack. And the next time I used it, I had to google it again.
I had a couple of near drowning experiences and still have never learned to swim! And I'm an elder babe.
I can swim under water but one does need oxygen after a bit. Therefore I have not learned to dive and am quite certain I will never surf in this lifetime although it sure is fun to watch.
Me too! I fell into a pool around age 3 and my godfather saved me. He was swimming underwater and I kinda fell toward him. Never really learned to swim but I can float on my back. Enjoy showers, hot tubs and the ocean right up to my ankles. I think I’ve come to terms with never having $80,000 for an in ground swimming pool. We may have come from the ocean (JFK?) but we are landlubbers now.
I am fully unable to tell time on a clock face. It's not that I "don't know how," it is that I somehow am unable to put together the knowledge with what I am seeing. I have good coping skills for this - not just wearing a digital watch, but a lot of memorization of specific hand positions so I can basically "remember" what key times, like the time I need to get up or take pills or whatever, look like.
I have had literally dozens of people try to show or teach me ways to do it over the years, and for what it's worth my undergrad degree is in PURE MATHEMATICS, so you'd think I could manage "divide a circle into parts that equate to values," but no.
I’m just the opposite—I can read a digital clock, but that doesn’t translate to actually knowing what time it really is. I have to look at a clock face for that. Of course, the pandemic completely dysregulated any sense of time I may have had, so it probably doesn’t matter anymore whether I can read a digital clock (or a date that’s all numbers—is 12/7 Dec 7 or July 12? Does it matter anyway? Discuss.)
What I Never Learned to Do
I moved a lot as a kid, so I missed learning how to tell time on a circular clock. It was the 80’s and almost everything was digital, but this caught up with me in French class in 6th grade when the teacher used a paper plate pretend clock to teach us French time words. French I can do; time in English I can’t!
Math was a problem. Due to my massive trauma-based amnesia, as a child huge swaths of my memory were blanked out. To not notice how many holes I had in my memory, I gravitated towards all things non-linear: English, poetry, art, imagination. Skipping around without going through a linear sequence means you don’t notice you have a big, gaping hole somewhere in the middle of the sequence.
Linearity by itself was triggering to my house-of-cards inner organization. I needed to NEVER be reminded that I was missing huge chunks of memory, time and reality. Math’s linearity was a potential trigger to remind me on a deep, subconscious level that things are not right, things in a sequence are missing.
I loved geometry, but once failed to turn in any homework for a semester due to these inner conflicts. I got a D that quarter, despite getting straight A’s every other quarter and an A on the final. My teacher wouldn’t let me make up the work. So, a B for the year. Thanks trauma!
I quit math as soon as humanly possible, after Algebra II. Never took pre-calc, calculus or trig. Hallelujah! Never needed them anyway!!
Linear processes like filling out forms or wrangling with computer difficulties still stress me out, but the more I heal my trauma the less they inflame my nervous system. I’ve surfaced a lot of the repressed memories that once threatened my sanity. If I get triggered it’s not potentially life or mind-ending; stressful but not unbearable.
Nonetheless, my linear-thinking phobia — my mind worrying it will be trapped into seeing or experiencing a necessary step that needs to be hidden and never acknowledged — persists. I get around it by continuing to avoid linear processes as much as possible and putting my head down to do the deep trauma work that’s the long-term solution. I still have a lot of amnesia so I have a long way to go, but I take it one day at a time.
Sometimes we don’t learn things in order to survive what we’re going through. And for that I’m grateful. I wouldn’t be here, or sane, without widespread adaptive amnesia and its very weird side-effects, including not learning to do things in a linear way.
So the next time you encounter someone with a linear-thinking deficit, consider that it may be an adaptive response to trauma. It certainly was and still is for me!
At 56, I quit my job of 27 years and talked my husband to do the same. We sold our house and moved from Atlanta to Asheville. For a new start, new jobs,new us. Unfortunately, we moved in January, 2020.
The lists of things that I didn’t know and didn’t know I didn’t know are too long to go into but basically the whole set of starting over.
What I really learned was that I could learn. I think that had been my fear for so long - could I learn a new industry, make new friends, heck, learn my way around a new grocery store?
And the answer is YES.
Thank you for a thoughtful piece.
I love this. I just posted a Note about the three most freeing words in the English language: ‘I don’t know.’ They can also be the most unsettling.
Excel spreadsheets. And while we’re on the subject of sheets, folding a fitted bedsheet is not possible. Just shove it behind some towels in the closet. Then drive to some place where parallel parking is not required. That falls under the rubric of geometry, anyway. Congratulations on sparing yourself all that stress!
I've never learned to speak another language. Somehow being monolingual (I had to look that up) feels like a deficit as I've met more people around the world who are at least bilingual. I would love to learn Italian -- mostly through immersion in a Italy! And recently contemplated learning Spanish. I started volunteering for a new org and found many of the people are Spanish-speaking and how much I admired those who could translate for us.
Full immersion is the way. It helps that Italians don’t speak English even if they know it( unlike the Germans who are polite to switch every time but that details learning) Cheaper if you go the Agriturismo way. Or go teach in your desired country. Using that to learn Norwegian and Korean next.
Practicing non-judgement is something I am trying to learn. Sometimes it takes years to understand that the “awful” thing a parent or someone did or said was out of love or fear for your safety. The wisest thing a friend shared was to tell me to just observe and listen—it’s all just information. Don’t react. It’s not about you even if they’re in your face saying it’s about you. It’s neither good nor bad but a reflection of where that person is at mentally and emotionally. And I have to say after a long while I let that sink in and it’s truly wise and shuts down a lot of drama, hurt feelings and obsessing over a whole lot of nothing sometimes.
Swimming and riding a bike 🚴
LOL - I can name all of the items in the picture (and have used most of them - not too much call for ice tongs in Virginia, though), but I am seriously challenged when it comes to crafty things like scrapbooking and making anything with those paper die cut thingys… I try to avoid going into Michael’s - it’s depressing to realize I don’t even know what most of the stuff is, much less what to do with it.
There's a reason companies such as Taskrabbit exist. During a recent move, I went through half of the steps to put my new bed together (before moving day), gave up, and called in help. It turns out I did it wrong. When I got a new bookshelf, the pieces sat on my floor before I directly texted the guy from Taskrabbit. (He charges less when he doesn't have to give them a commission and encourages that.)
There's a lot I don't know how to do, a lot I've started and given up on, and a lot I might return to.
There are things I can do but prefer to avoid when I can pay someone else to do them better. This might sound elitist, but some things don't get done because I neither want to do them nor pay for them.
I once published a piece on Medium about giving a man a fish vs. teaching a man to fish. I concluded that sometimes, I just want to eat the damn fish. The piece was about outsourcing and how, while self-sufficiency is great, our ego often insists we should do it ourselves when we don't have to or don't have the skills of a professional. We should challenge ourselves, get out of our comfort zone, challenge our notions about our abilities and get self-satisfaction. Still, sometimes, satisfaction comes from giving up the frustration of trying to do the thing and knowing who to call. Inherent to that is the skill of resourcefulness. (e.g., Taskrabbit, a plumber, or the furnace repair guy)
Despite my ADHD need for dopamine, I like to keep my feet on the ground, so cycling was never my thing.
It's never too late to learn if you want to, but there are some things people can't learn. Not everyone is suited to everything, and that's okay.