Every request you accept comes with a cost.
If you want to be more effective, or even if you just want some breathing room in your life, you need to say no more often.
For some of us, this is easier said than done. The inability to say no is one of the things that contributes the most to burnout and overwhelm. It can even lead to feelings of guilt or shameโyou feel guilty for โletting someone downโ even though youโre struggling to keep up on your own.
What should you say no to? Thatโs up to you! But hereโs a start: anything that you donโt want to do.
Before you come up with objectionsโโbut there are so many things I simply have to doโโI encourage you to try living by it for a while. Remember, every request has a cost. By saying yes to one thing, youโre saying no to others. Unless you want to live your life completely at the direction of someone else, you need to improve your ability to say no.
Here are two strategies that have been helpful to me.
1. Treat Future Commitments Like They're Tomorrow
When youโre asked to do something in the future that youโre not sure youโll want to do, you tend to say yes because itโs far off. You figure, well, thatโs a long time from now, and I donโt have anything else going on then, so I might as well say yes.
But then, โsomedayโ eventually shows up on your calendar, along with that request you accepted long ago. Why did I agree to this? you wonder.
The trick is to imagine the activity youโre asked about would be taking place tomorrow. If so, would you say yes or politely decline? If youโd decline for tomorrow, the odds are good that you wonโt feel like doing it a few weeks or months into the future.
Therefore, the obvious suggestion: start declining more of those invitations. Donโt agree to something just because itโs far off.
2. Tell the Truth: Youโre Already Committed
Whether itโs far in the future or a meeting this afternoon that youโd really prefer to skip, how can you say no without hurting someoneโs feelings?
Thereโs no magic answer, but hereโs a helpful way you can reframe the challenge. When I turn down a request, I often say something like: โI want to make sure I do a good job with my current commitments, and right now my plate is full.โ
Sometimes I even go further and say, โIโm a little overcommitted right now, and I donโt think I would do a good job with this request.โ
This way, youโre not rejecting the person or the request; youโre just noting that youโre unable to accept it. I like to think youโre even honoring that person by not committing to something you might not handle well.
(And by the way, this is true! Thereโs no deception involved in the answer. When I say Iโm fully committed or overcommitted, I really do feel that way.)
If you want more control over your time, getting better at saying no is one of the most important skills you can develop. Iโll be cheering you on!
I would say, โLet me know if you need more help with this,โ but Iโm afraid Iโm fully committed right nowโฆ
Addendum
I wrote this post after a negative experience with a company I did some work with. After completing our agreed work, the company asked me to do something else that I didnโt want to do. I told them no at first, but they said it was really, really importantโso I backed down. Big mistake!
The extra work consumed ten hours, created unnecessary stress, and involved misaligned expectations with a third party. Looking back, maintaining my initial "no" likely wouldn't have damaged the relationship.
All that to say: the struggle is real. Whenever you have an experience like that, store it in your memory for the next time you encounter a similar scenario.
I always feel that I need to follow a "no" with a long list of reasons and justifications.
I need to remember that I can just say "No" and that should be enough.
Ahhh the horror of saying yes to what is really a no. Such a hard habit to break.
It reminds me of Portia Nelsonโs poem:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.