Most distressing - phone calls. If I don’t recognize the number on my caller ID, (and sometimes if I do), I don’t answer - so it’s not so horrible for incoming calls, but outgoing calls? That’s a whole different story. I simply hate making phone calls. I feel I’m intruding on other people’s lives. I’m quite sure that self-worth issues are at least part of that, but I just don’t want to be a bother. I prefer text or email since it gives the recipient the option to answer (or not) at their convenience. Arguably, the same could be said of phone calls - people could see my number on their caller ID and respond accordingly- but that means I need to leave a message. I’m a writer for a reason - I love words - but I hear that beep and I begin rambling awkwardly, repeat myself, or miss the point of the call altogether. Editing is not an option, and it’s an option I’m particularly fond of…
I am an outgoing person, an extrovert, and yet I really do have phone anxiety. Not answering the phone but making phone calls. When I get home from being away and find there are no voicemail messages, I feel visceral relief. That should have been a sign long ago to disable the darned voicemail. Thanks for this "permission slip."
This phone thing. Again, I remember the phone would ring and my parents would make us answer it while saying, "if it's grandma, we're not here." Okay. So then we'd get stuck lying AND talking to grandma. I'm the opposite though on making calls. I actually love calling people and talking on the phone. I just don't like voicemail.
I think the hardest for me was having to call the vet or the blacksmith for my horse. I was more than capable of taking care of my horse when I was 12, but I dreaded having to make the calls to schedule vaccinations or hoof trimming...
I think this can come from the association with the phone as well. If you are of a certain age, you were probably used to having your phone at home with certain hours of when and how to use it. Now that there are no "rules" for phones anymore, it can lead to more anxiety for those who lived with those rules. I remember those rules very well myself!
I hate text messaging, actually. Maybe it's because I remember the days of T9 or 99-cent messages and overages on my parents' phone bill that made me this way... but, I always end up "mentally responding" and then I go on and on thinking about how I "have" to respond. I usually don't really HAVE to respond to it; otherwise, I would have in the moment (emergencies, etc.).
Just recently, I had it lingering on my conscience that I hadn't responded to a friend from college who sent me a baby gift four years ago. FOUR YEARS. That's a LONG time to spend thinking about the guilt and shame of not acknowledging or thanking someone for a gift... and I thought, "This is so silly, I'm just going to text him now so I can put this behind me and apologize for not texting him back about it or thanking him for it."
So, I did. And do you know what happened? He replied: "That's hilarious - I completely forgot all about that, and as for not responding, we're both busy, I get it!"
Moral of the story for me was this: YOU usually care way more about how your message is perceived than how it's actually being perceived. Not every exchange is transactional and (according to other examples I've had lately), it's usually understood by friends and those close to us that life gets busy sometimes. Guess I'm feeling fortunate to have had that realization and know that those close to me get it, too.
LOL - Isn't it amazing how the guilt builds up? I usually look the the transcript of my voicemails and then just delete them if they're nothing I need/want to respond to. I received one before Christmas that said, "Hi, it's Anne, just calling to see how you're doing. Call me." It was a Connecticut phone number (we used to live there), but I didn't know an Anne, so I just didn't respond. Curiosity finally got the best of me (last week) and I listened to the message and it wasn't from some mysterious Anne - it was from my friend Dale! Transcripts aren't always accurate :-). Dale got a kick out of the story and we had a great chat.
Your friends response was indeed funny but can it be the exception? I'm going to preface this by saying that it is not my intention to make you feel bad. However, if you spend more time worrying about not responding than it takes to text/call/ write a thank you, isn't that counter productive to you? Thank you's are important because it lets the giver know that the gift arrived safely instead of them wondering/worrying if it was ever received.
I can appreciate that - and I don't disagree. I wish my brain worked that way - I was a new mom and wasn't firing on all cylinders at that time. I think, present day, I'd probably write the thank you note / acknowledge the gift instead of worrying about it.
Wild timing... Just a couple days ago, I thought to myself, "Why are so hellbent on opening every email, you psycho?"
My inbox has been at 26 unread emails for years now. I have no idea where those 26 emails are anymore, but at some point that became my INBOX ZERO - 26. From that day, I have not let an email go unopened (unless they're junk and then I delete them). Sometimes, knowing I do not have time to read said email right then, I'll open the email just to get back to the 26. II might read a line or two. f they're actually important, I will star them, and then at some point over the week, I'll set aside an hour or two, maybe more, to go through my starred emails.
It's a process you're catching me in right now.
And I've decided it's insane. My starred emails weigh on me and my obsession with inbox 26 is a digital compulsion. So this is me putting it into the world that I'm going to stop opening emails until I can actually read them.
I believe this will mean that many less emails get read and that (deep, refreshing sigh) is fine. Actually it's great! Welcome back previously wasted time...
P.S. - This will also clear up my annoyance at the fact that 26 is not a favorite number of mine and I do not want to care about that number at all.
I work for an attorney. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that you don't have to reply. EVER.
Sometimes you can't - client confidentially or a negotiation strategy.
Other times, it's a question of case management, cost or the fact that you have answered that very same question for that very same client previously.
I will say, I do hate when people leave a message that I need to return and I call right back and get the 'mailbox full' or 'no voicemail'. I've learned to call a second time and if I get that same message - I'm done and I note the file and bill accordingly.
Thanks for a thoughtful piece today, Chris. I'm getting a lot out of the series.
I really hate voicemail. I think it started with the answering machine. I can still hear my mom saying, "this is your mother...." As if I didn't recognize her voice. Every time. I never practice when leaving voicemail and I ONLY leave messages of love that don't need to be returned. If it's business and I need a reply or info, I text.
I'm excited about our picnic. I'm bringing art supplies and potato chips.
I've always used a CC filter for my emails no matter where I go or where I am employed. 99% of the time, a CC email is intended for information only and rarely needs you to reply to it. You'll find that most, if not all, of these communications are meant to cover the sender's backside, not keep you informed.
I have felt like I want to do the same for my personal phone. Somehow, word got out that it was a fax number. (It's not) Constantly deleting messages that are only a BEEEPP. Maybe I will just let it get full and let it be. If I am expecting a call, I will delete a few messages.
Addendum; I am 73yr. If someone leaves a wrong voice mail due to misdialing my number, I call them ASAP to tell them it's the wrong number. It might be important to them. They are usually glad to know... Then I block them so it doesn't happen again. Me, my friends and family are all trained to use texting, so much more polite...
Get out of my head. I just posted about laundry not needing to be folded yesterday! #TeamTossItInADrawer
The virtual noise can certainly be overwhelming and unnecessary, but one irl tiny change I made was only checking our physical mailbox once a week. Each Monday, I take a peek. Everything gets opened right next to the mailbox so it only makes it inside if it truly needs attention. Everything else gets recycled right away.
I think of all communication as someone adding something to my to do list. Sometimes the tasks are good, sometimes they're neutral, and sometimes they're a waste of our precious time and energy. That last category needs to go and we get to decide how to put up a wall that keeps that stuff out.
I've been setting boundaries for a long time.. thank Goodness!!
The phone is an intrusion that I do not care for, but necessary. I sometimes would like to go back to a land line and an answering machine.
BUT setting boundaries has helped. My phone is on do not disturb from 9pm to 9am. I also had to inform a few family members that my phone is for my convenience, not theirs and it is NOT a tracking device. If I'm home, the phone stays inside and I'm outside.
One pet peeve I have is the people who do leave a message say their call back number so fast you have to replay the message several times to get the whole number. ugh!
SPEAK SLOWLY AND CLEARLY if you insist on leaving a message PLEASE!! I may have to consider closing down my voicemail.. I like it.
This really depends on your age. When I was under 25 years old, almost nobody ever called or emailed me. No one knew me yet. So it was nice to keep those avenues open. Now that I'm 40, I'm getting tons of inbound all the time. Your ideas definitely apply now, in the season of life I'm in.
Phone calls have been very draining for me (and zoom calls are even worse). It is better now than it used to be (some of it was anxiety, therapy helped) but I still have very strict boundaries about phone calls.
1 - I only answer spontaneous calls from my son, my significant other, and my parents. Everyone else goes to voicemail.
2 - I only do business calls that are pre-scheduled. And for my legal work really I only do calls that are paid consultation calls. I occasionally do other calls but it needs to be about something like with a sponsor or affiliate, something that makes financial sense for me to spend the energy on.
3 - I do have catch-up calls or zooms with friends but those are pre-scheduled. Spontaneous calls just stress me out too much -- it is no fun.
I make every effort to only select stuff that has online access. For example, when I got a new eye doctor, I found one that had online appointment scheduling. The worst is when I have to call to deal with some customer service issue -- I'm very thankful that since I now live on the road I no longer need to have any business with Comcast/Xfinity -- they were frustrating about long multi-step phone calls! :)
Most distressing - phone calls. If I don’t recognize the number on my caller ID, (and sometimes if I do), I don’t answer - so it’s not so horrible for incoming calls, but outgoing calls? That’s a whole different story. I simply hate making phone calls. I feel I’m intruding on other people’s lives. I’m quite sure that self-worth issues are at least part of that, but I just don’t want to be a bother. I prefer text or email since it gives the recipient the option to answer (or not) at their convenience. Arguably, the same could be said of phone calls - people could see my number on their caller ID and respond accordingly- but that means I need to leave a message. I’m a writer for a reason - I love words - but I hear that beep and I begin rambling awkwardly, repeat myself, or miss the point of the call altogether. Editing is not an option, and it’s an option I’m particularly fond of…
Phone anxiety is real! I'll have a post about it sometime.
I am an outgoing person, an extrovert, and yet I really do have phone anxiety. Not answering the phone but making phone calls. When I get home from being away and find there are no voicemail messages, I feel visceral relief. That should have been a sign long ago to disable the darned voicemail. Thanks for this "permission slip."
This phone thing. Again, I remember the phone would ring and my parents would make us answer it while saying, "if it's grandma, we're not here." Okay. So then we'd get stuck lying AND talking to grandma. I'm the opposite though on making calls. I actually love calling people and talking on the phone. I just don't like voicemail.
I think the hardest for me was having to call the vet or the blacksmith for my horse. I was more than capable of taking care of my horse when I was 12, but I dreaded having to make the calls to schedule vaccinations or hoof trimming...
I think this can come from the association with the phone as well. If you are of a certain age, you were probably used to having your phone at home with certain hours of when and how to use it. Now that there are no "rules" for phones anymore, it can lead to more anxiety for those who lived with those rules. I remember those rules very well myself!
That's a great point. There is a sense of phone etiquette that has been completely obliterated by easy access.
When my 85 year old mother apologizes to me for not answering my call because "xyz," I remind her "the phone call is a request, not a demand."
I hate text messaging, actually. Maybe it's because I remember the days of T9 or 99-cent messages and overages on my parents' phone bill that made me this way... but, I always end up "mentally responding" and then I go on and on thinking about how I "have" to respond. I usually don't really HAVE to respond to it; otherwise, I would have in the moment (emergencies, etc.).
Just recently, I had it lingering on my conscience that I hadn't responded to a friend from college who sent me a baby gift four years ago. FOUR YEARS. That's a LONG time to spend thinking about the guilt and shame of not acknowledging or thanking someone for a gift... and I thought, "This is so silly, I'm just going to text him now so I can put this behind me and apologize for not texting him back about it or thanking him for it."
So, I did. And do you know what happened? He replied: "That's hilarious - I completely forgot all about that, and as for not responding, we're both busy, I get it!"
Moral of the story for me was this: YOU usually care way more about how your message is perceived than how it's actually being perceived. Not every exchange is transactional and (according to other examples I've had lately), it's usually understood by friends and those close to us that life gets busy sometimes. Guess I'm feeling fortunate to have had that realization and know that those close to me get it, too.
LOL - Isn't it amazing how the guilt builds up? I usually look the the transcript of my voicemails and then just delete them if they're nothing I need/want to respond to. I received one before Christmas that said, "Hi, it's Anne, just calling to see how you're doing. Call me." It was a Connecticut phone number (we used to live there), but I didn't know an Anne, so I just didn't respond. Curiosity finally got the best of me (last week) and I listened to the message and it wasn't from some mysterious Anne - it was from my friend Dale! Transcripts aren't always accurate :-). Dale got a kick out of the story and we had a great chat.
Your friends response was indeed funny but can it be the exception? I'm going to preface this by saying that it is not my intention to make you feel bad. However, if you spend more time worrying about not responding than it takes to text/call/ write a thank you, isn't that counter productive to you? Thank you's are important because it lets the giver know that the gift arrived safely instead of them wondering/worrying if it was ever received.
I can appreciate that - and I don't disagree. I wish my brain worked that way - I was a new mom and wasn't firing on all cylinders at that time. I think, present day, I'd probably write the thank you note / acknowledge the gift instead of worrying about it.
Wild timing... Just a couple days ago, I thought to myself, "Why are so hellbent on opening every email, you psycho?"
My inbox has been at 26 unread emails for years now. I have no idea where those 26 emails are anymore, but at some point that became my INBOX ZERO - 26. From that day, I have not let an email go unopened (unless they're junk and then I delete them). Sometimes, knowing I do not have time to read said email right then, I'll open the email just to get back to the 26. II might read a line or two. f they're actually important, I will star them, and then at some point over the week, I'll set aside an hour or two, maybe more, to go through my starred emails.
It's a process you're catching me in right now.
And I've decided it's insane. My starred emails weigh on me and my obsession with inbox 26 is a digital compulsion. So this is me putting it into the world that I'm going to stop opening emails until I can actually read them.
I believe this will mean that many less emails get read and that (deep, refreshing sigh) is fine. Actually it's great! Welcome back previously wasted time...
P.S. - This will also clear up my annoyance at the fact that 26 is not a favorite number of mine and I do not want to care about that number at all.
good on you ;) and don’t forget to turn off the notification ... you won’t see any numbers at all , even better . Onward!
I work for an attorney. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that you don't have to reply. EVER.
Sometimes you can't - client confidentially or a negotiation strategy.
Other times, it's a question of case management, cost or the fact that you have answered that very same question for that very same client previously.
I will say, I do hate when people leave a message that I need to return and I call right back and get the 'mailbox full' or 'no voicemail'. I've learned to call a second time and if I get that same message - I'm done and I note the file and bill accordingly.
Thanks for a thoughtful piece today, Chris. I'm getting a lot out of the series.
Sylvia
Brilliant. It's a sign of the times that this never even occurred to me, but I'm looking at my brick pile right now. :-).
I really hate voicemail. I think it started with the answering machine. I can still hear my mom saying, "this is your mother...." As if I didn't recognize her voice. Every time. I never practice when leaving voicemail and I ONLY leave messages of love that don't need to be returned. If it's business and I need a reply or info, I text.
I'm excited about our picnic. I'm bringing art supplies and potato chips.
My Mom always started with, “Hi Penny, it’s Mom”. Obvious, but I sure do miss those messages. 💔
me too
I've always used a CC filter for my emails no matter where I go or where I am employed. 99% of the time, a CC email is intended for information only and rarely needs you to reply to it. You'll find that most, if not all, of these communications are meant to cover the sender's backside, not keep you informed.
I have felt like I want to do the same for my personal phone. Somehow, word got out that it was a fax number. (It's not) Constantly deleting messages that are only a BEEEPP. Maybe I will just let it get full and let it be. If I am expecting a call, I will delete a few messages.
A fax number! That's wild.
Addendum; I am 73yr. If someone leaves a wrong voice mail due to misdialing my number, I call them ASAP to tell them it's the wrong number. It might be important to them. They are usually glad to know... Then I block them so it doesn't happen again. Me, my friends and family are all trained to use texting, so much more polite...
You are a good human. 🏆
Oh yes, I’ve had a very personal and important voicemail , but a wrong number !
Get out of my head. I just posted about laundry not needing to be folded yesterday! #TeamTossItInADrawer
The virtual noise can certainly be overwhelming and unnecessary, but one irl tiny change I made was only checking our physical mailbox once a week. Each Monday, I take a peek. Everything gets opened right next to the mailbox so it only makes it inside if it truly needs attention. Everything else gets recycled right away.
I think of all communication as someone adding something to my to do list. Sometimes the tasks are good, sometimes they're neutral, and sometimes they're a waste of our precious time and energy. That last category needs to go and we get to decide how to put up a wall that keeps that stuff out.
I've been setting boundaries for a long time.. thank Goodness!!
The phone is an intrusion that I do not care for, but necessary. I sometimes would like to go back to a land line and an answering machine.
BUT setting boundaries has helped. My phone is on do not disturb from 9pm to 9am. I also had to inform a few family members that my phone is for my convenience, not theirs and it is NOT a tracking device. If I'm home, the phone stays inside and I'm outside.
One pet peeve I have is the people who do leave a message say their call back number so fast you have to replay the message several times to get the whole number. ugh!
SPEAK SLOWLY AND CLEARLY if you insist on leaving a message PLEASE!! I may have to consider closing down my voicemail.. I like it.
I’m bringing Wine 🍷
This really depends on your age. When I was under 25 years old, almost nobody ever called or emailed me. No one knew me yet. So it was nice to keep those avenues open. Now that I'm 40, I'm getting tons of inbound all the time. Your ideas definitely apply now, in the season of life I'm in.
We’re all going on a picnic and I’m bringing banana bread and napkins
mmmmmm (also very thoughtful about the napkins)
Phone calls have been very draining for me (and zoom calls are even worse). It is better now than it used to be (some of it was anxiety, therapy helped) but I still have very strict boundaries about phone calls.
1 - I only answer spontaneous calls from my son, my significant other, and my parents. Everyone else goes to voicemail.
2 - I only do business calls that are pre-scheduled. And for my legal work really I only do calls that are paid consultation calls. I occasionally do other calls but it needs to be about something like with a sponsor or affiliate, something that makes financial sense for me to spend the energy on.
3 - I do have catch-up calls or zooms with friends but those are pre-scheduled. Spontaneous calls just stress me out too much -- it is no fun.
I make every effort to only select stuff that has online access. For example, when I got a new eye doctor, I found one that had online appointment scheduling. The worst is when I have to call to deal with some customer service issue -- I'm very thankful that since I now live on the road I no longer need to have any business with Comcast/Xfinity -- they were frustrating about long multi-step phone calls! :)