I appreciate this post. I feel like a broken record talking about this, but here goes. I used to be extremely motivated and very good at keeping my house clean. Well, in 2020, I started working full time overnights at an emergency hospital for animals, while also going through vet tech school full time. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA, and I was ready to have my life back. Well, that hasn't gone as planned. It's been two years since I graduated, and I can't seem to get back to my normal level of functioning. I've worked day shift at a day practice for almost a year now. I needed to get off nights, and out of emergency medicine. My house is a disaster, and I have little to no motivation to tackle the messes everywhere. I do laundry, put dishes in the dishwasher, take care of cat litter, and take out the trash. That's the extent of the housework I do. It's embarrassing. I don't like having people over because of it. I'm in therapy, but I can't seem to get to the bottom of this issue.
I hear you. And it sounds like you're doing the things that really need doing—trash, cat care, etc. Sometimes this just means you're putting your energy elsewhere (like at a stressful job). But there are also some strategies you can try that can help you feel better about picking up more, without taking much of that limited energy. More to come. :)
Have you encountered Struggle Care by KC Davis? It’s a book, but she’s also on Instagram and TikTok. I really like the way she frames care tasks, especially as someone who struggles with executive function. And you should really give yourself more credit for staying on top of trash, dishes, laundry, and pet care. That can be really hard, and here you are, doing it while balancing full time work!
This is by far the best written, highest quality mental health-oriented newsletter I have ever seen. Your style is so un-presupposing and seemingly effortless, which I am sure it is not. Thank you. I appreciate it so much, as others obviously do too.
I’ll have to give the first question (when is it hard?) some thought. It’s a good question and helpful in identifying patterns
The second question (when is it easy) - for me this happens when I’m relaxed. Or when I have a legit bigger problem then the task becomes a needed respite.
The secret you unlocked needs a name. Whenever I have a bigger problem or unwanted commitment then I end up doing a menial task that has been needing attention forever. 😊
Productive procrastination :) House gets clean as soon as a form needs filling or a piece of writing needs to be completed. As long as you procrastinate on one thing by doing something else that need to be done, you'll always be making progress ;)
I have severe combined ADHD and even with my meds I'm still crap at all this stuff. My biggest issue is consistency - start a new small habit for a few days then competely forget about it. I constantly feel like I'm restarting rather than making progress - which is a problem when you're now in your forties and still cant consistently drink enough waternin a day or remember to do your physio. It's infuriating.
Your words of "I constantly feel like I'm restarting rather than making progress" resonated with me so much, Danni!
I've been procrastinating on some personal goals for years, and the worst thing is my mind wouldn't let me give up on them, they'd keep lurking in the background taking up mental space. I would start them, stop for months, try to go back...
I also really relate to forgetting to do some things before a habit has been built, and then I usually beat myself up for letting that happen. Which is not a great state of mind for doing things. Then I also have the issue with some things that if I've missed a day, I might as well not bother continuing 😬
I've recently got involved in many things at once, which made my executive functions go all haywire. It's funny how when things are good I engage in a bunch of tasks, but then because I engaged in a lot of tasks, they usually make me stressed out and I go back to disfunction. Hope this series provides some insight on that! Great idea!
Not the panacea, but sleep/rest is a crucial component to getting things done, especially involving high executive function tasks. For me, this has been a major challenge the past couple of years.
I have a twist on this. How come when we have major stress going on in our lives and most need to do the things we love, we don't? It seems universal in people I've asked about it.
This. I know what gives me pleasure but i dont do it. Watching the ocean waves crash, or a river flow is so beautiful. Amount of times I do this? Very few
Too many subscriptions to art, writing and psychology topics that endlessly fascinate me now distract me from having a social life. It now feels more task-like than doing laundry ever used to. I think too much emphasis on growth and input during the pandemic overwrote my social skills folder...
1. When is it hard for you to do small things? Almost never. I use small things to avoid the big things screaming at me. Like change the shoelaces in my trainers instead of rebuilding the blog pages on my website.
2. When is it easy? All the time. Love the little things. I can go from little thing to little thing instead of doing larger, prolonged projects. It's the dopamine hit, I am convinced.
3. Did you know you can play fetch with cats as well as dogs?! The only cat I owned had so many characteristics of a dog that when I got a dog I kept asking people, did you know dogs do this? And they would look at me weird.
I keep bumping into all the productivity things you mention, and I always try them because I get sold on the marketing around them. Always. And then I get discouraged and feel a moral failure of some sort. I would love a post specifically on what you have found is safer to avoid, especially if you are a neurodivergent person--maybe a cautionary tale? And if you have already written about it this way, point me there!
It never occurred to me, even after years of teaching high school and working to help my students "perform", that these "productivity lessons" failed for me AND my students because - um - we're so many of us/US divergent. Cannot thank you enough for this game changing email. So glad I subscribed.
Ahhh I’m so excited for this series - as someone who is able to hyper-focus for long stretches of time on specific projects, it is so difficult to explain to others how small seemingly insignificant admin things are near impossible for me to get done…
on when is it hard - when I’m overwhelmed with sensory stimulus - I believe humans were not designed for the number of emails and messages that we receive daily and the amount of content that we have access to (curse and a blessing). So to make it easier, I usually need to disconnect for a day or two to re-prioritize - it’s difficult to do this when I feel like I need to be available for everyone 24/7.
Another big help to overcome the anxiety is self-compassion. 🌞
In IFS, (Internal Family Systems), when our manager parts are overwhelmed with a bucket that’s overflowing from past trauma and emotional triggers, they don’t have enough energy to do their normal job, which is executive functions.
For many of us, managers spend excessive time fighting inner firefighters, the parts who are impulsive out of a need to numb or soothe inner distress.
It’s hard to focus on the present when unresolved issues from the past are operating like 100 tabs open on the browser window of our inner operating system.
The more unresolved wounds we have, the worse our executive functioning. Some of us know we have trauma — when it’s big T trauma it’s sometimes easier to recognize than developmental traumas like neglect, or not getting enough floor time before being plopped in weird child-propping-up chairs (terrible items that should be outlawed) or forced to walk before we had enough time crawling. (Dr. Amy Apigian is a great resource for these issues).
Many of us are walking around with neuro-physical developmental deficits because of the weird ways children are raised these days, but have no concept of what we’re missing because how would you know what you’re missing if you missed it?
All this to say— in IFS, executive functioning is mainly healthy manager deficits / managers protecting against deeper trauma instead of being freed up to live our adult lives.
So the core solution is to address the core wounds, whatever they are, from extremely subtle and odd ones like not being attuned to as a child (being left to cry without soothing) to obvious ones like the ten ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) including sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
As I do the work of deeply healing my core traumas, slowly but surely my executive functioning is getting better. Due to being a big T, ultra-trauma survivor, it’s certainly taking longer than I wish by a factor of 100! But it’s also teaching me that healing is biological, not logical.
While I struggle every day with most executive functions except focus (hyper focus is one of my superpowers), the more I use this one superpower to address the other deficits — primarily by tenaciously healing my core traumas — the better things get.
I love this exploration of executive functioning and look forward to FOCUSing on it more in the coming weeks!
On my days off I try to plan my next day. But at times I fail to even start. Then I start to worry about spending time with my 8 y o son. I will have small things to do, like sorting through some boxes and throwing things away to make room and stay organized. The obstacle I encounter is... I think to myself, as soon as I start it will be time to go pick up my son. Something that really wont take but maybe 30mins to an hour, I fail to start. Ive got all this other stuff to do but sorting is priority because when I get rid of some stuff and move stuff out i will have room to put other stuff away and I can get to work on programming and yet, it takes me several hours to all day to get to it. I know I need to get to it, yet, i start to get frustrated with myself. Then I think about making time to spend with my son. I ultimately end up sitting at the desk with my head in my hands beating myself up to get on the ball. What's wrong with me!!
I appreciate this post. I feel like a broken record talking about this, but here goes. I used to be extremely motivated and very good at keeping my house clean. Well, in 2020, I started working full time overnights at an emergency hospital for animals, while also going through vet tech school full time. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA, and I was ready to have my life back. Well, that hasn't gone as planned. It's been two years since I graduated, and I can't seem to get back to my normal level of functioning. I've worked day shift at a day practice for almost a year now. I needed to get off nights, and out of emergency medicine. My house is a disaster, and I have little to no motivation to tackle the messes everywhere. I do laundry, put dishes in the dishwasher, take care of cat litter, and take out the trash. That's the extent of the housework I do. It's embarrassing. I don't like having people over because of it. I'm in therapy, but I can't seem to get to the bottom of this issue.
I hear you. And it sounds like you're doing the things that really need doing—trash, cat care, etc. Sometimes this just means you're putting your energy elsewhere (like at a stressful job). But there are also some strategies you can try that can help you feel better about picking up more, without taking much of that limited energy. More to come. :)
Have you encountered Struggle Care by KC Davis? It’s a book, but she’s also on Instagram and TikTok. I really like the way she frames care tasks, especially as someone who struggles with executive function. And you should really give yourself more credit for staying on top of trash, dishes, laundry, and pet care. That can be really hard, and here you are, doing it while balancing full time work!
Thank you for the referral to KC Davis. I knew about her TED talk, but not that she had other resources.
This is by far the best written, highest quality mental health-oriented newsletter I have ever seen. Your style is so un-presupposing and seemingly effortless, which I am sure it is not. Thank you. I appreciate it so much, as others obviously do too.
I’ll have to give the first question (when is it hard?) some thought. It’s a good question and helpful in identifying patterns
The second question (when is it easy) - for me this happens when I’m relaxed. Or when I have a legit bigger problem then the task becomes a needed respite.
When s it easy? When i ask for help, or even just say I need to discuss something. Both lighten my mental load. .
The secret you unlocked needs a name. Whenever I have a bigger problem or unwanted commitment then I end up doing a menial task that has been needing attention forever. 😊
Productive procrastination :) House gets clean as soon as a form needs filling or a piece of writing needs to be completed. As long as you procrastinate on one thing by doing something else that need to be done, you'll always be making progress ;)
What a great reframe, AND it’s true!
I have severe combined ADHD and even with my meds I'm still crap at all this stuff. My biggest issue is consistency - start a new small habit for a few days then competely forget about it. I constantly feel like I'm restarting rather than making progress - which is a problem when you're now in your forties and still cant consistently drink enough waternin a day or remember to do your physio. It's infuriating.
Your words of "I constantly feel like I'm restarting rather than making progress" resonated with me so much, Danni!
I've been procrastinating on some personal goals for years, and the worst thing is my mind wouldn't let me give up on them, they'd keep lurking in the background taking up mental space. I would start them, stop for months, try to go back...
I also really relate to forgetting to do some things before a habit has been built, and then I usually beat myself up for letting that happen. Which is not a great state of mind for doing things. Then I also have the issue with some things that if I've missed a day, I might as well not bother continuing 😬
Ohmygod. Thank you.
I've recently got involved in many things at once, which made my executive functions go all haywire. It's funny how when things are good I engage in a bunch of tasks, but then because I engaged in a lot of tasks, they usually make me stressed out and I go back to disfunction. Hope this series provides some insight on that! Great idea!
I can definitely relate with this!
Small things:
When is it hard? Sleepy and fatigued
When is it easy? Physically and mentally rested
Not the panacea, but sleep/rest is a crucial component to getting things done, especially involving high executive function tasks. For me, this has been a major challenge the past couple of years.
I have a twist on this. How come when we have major stress going on in our lives and most need to do the things we love, we don't? It seems universal in people I've asked about it.
This. I know what gives me pleasure but i dont do it. Watching the ocean waves crash, or a river flow is so beautiful. Amount of times I do this? Very few
Too many subscriptions to art, writing and psychology topics that endlessly fascinate me now distract me from having a social life. It now feels more task-like than doing laundry ever used to. I think too much emphasis on growth and input during the pandemic overwrote my social skills folder...
I would like to read about resolving apathy
1. When is it hard for you to do small things? Almost never. I use small things to avoid the big things screaming at me. Like change the shoelaces in my trainers instead of rebuilding the blog pages on my website.
2. When is it easy? All the time. Love the little things. I can go from little thing to little thing instead of doing larger, prolonged projects. It's the dopamine hit, I am convinced.
3. Did you know you can play fetch with cats as well as dogs?! The only cat I owned had so many characteristics of a dog that when I got a dog I kept asking people, did you know dogs do this? And they would look at me weird.
I keep bumping into all the productivity things you mention, and I always try them because I get sold on the marketing around them. Always. And then I get discouraged and feel a moral failure of some sort. I would love a post specifically on what you have found is safer to avoid, especially if you are a neurodivergent person--maybe a cautionary tale? And if you have already written about it this way, point me there!
Thank you for doing this! As I get older I can't seem to finish anything, or start boring tasks.
It never occurred to me, even after years of teaching high school and working to help my students "perform", that these "productivity lessons" failed for me AND my students because - um - we're so many of us/US divergent. Cannot thank you enough for this game changing email. So glad I subscribed.
I have loved ones who struggle with ADHD symptoms like you described, I look forward to reading this series. (And I have a fetch-playing cat.)
Ahhh I’m so excited for this series - as someone who is able to hyper-focus for long stretches of time on specific projects, it is so difficult to explain to others how small seemingly insignificant admin things are near impossible for me to get done…
on when is it hard - when I’m overwhelmed with sensory stimulus - I believe humans were not designed for the number of emails and messages that we receive daily and the amount of content that we have access to (curse and a blessing). So to make it easier, I usually need to disconnect for a day or two to re-prioritize - it’s difficult to do this when I feel like I need to be available for everyone 24/7.
Another big help to overcome the anxiety is self-compassion. 🌞
In IFS, (Internal Family Systems), when our manager parts are overwhelmed with a bucket that’s overflowing from past trauma and emotional triggers, they don’t have enough energy to do their normal job, which is executive functions.
For many of us, managers spend excessive time fighting inner firefighters, the parts who are impulsive out of a need to numb or soothe inner distress.
It’s hard to focus on the present when unresolved issues from the past are operating like 100 tabs open on the browser window of our inner operating system.
The more unresolved wounds we have, the worse our executive functioning. Some of us know we have trauma — when it’s big T trauma it’s sometimes easier to recognize than developmental traumas like neglect, or not getting enough floor time before being plopped in weird child-propping-up chairs (terrible items that should be outlawed) or forced to walk before we had enough time crawling. (Dr. Amy Apigian is a great resource for these issues).
Many of us are walking around with neuro-physical developmental deficits because of the weird ways children are raised these days, but have no concept of what we’re missing because how would you know what you’re missing if you missed it?
All this to say— in IFS, executive functioning is mainly healthy manager deficits / managers protecting against deeper trauma instead of being freed up to live our adult lives.
So the core solution is to address the core wounds, whatever they are, from extremely subtle and odd ones like not being attuned to as a child (being left to cry without soothing) to obvious ones like the ten ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) including sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
As I do the work of deeply healing my core traumas, slowly but surely my executive functioning is getting better. Due to being a big T, ultra-trauma survivor, it’s certainly taking longer than I wish by a factor of 100! But it’s also teaching me that healing is biological, not logical.
While I struggle every day with most executive functions except focus (hyper focus is one of my superpowers), the more I use this one superpower to address the other deficits — primarily by tenaciously healing my core traumas — the better things get.
I love this exploration of executive functioning and look forward to FOCUSing on it more in the coming weeks!
On my days off I try to plan my next day. But at times I fail to even start. Then I start to worry about spending time with my 8 y o son. I will have small things to do, like sorting through some boxes and throwing things away to make room and stay organized. The obstacle I encounter is... I think to myself, as soon as I start it will be time to go pick up my son. Something that really wont take but maybe 30mins to an hour, I fail to start. Ive got all this other stuff to do but sorting is priority because when I get rid of some stuff and move stuff out i will have room to put other stuff away and I can get to work on programming and yet, it takes me several hours to all day to get to it. I know I need to get to it, yet, i start to get frustrated with myself. Then I think about making time to spend with my son. I ultimately end up sitting at the desk with my head in my hands beating myself up to get on the ball. What's wrong with me!!