What Does It Mean to Be Okay?

"Are you okay?" A question worth asking twice.

A mug that reads “Doing okay.” Seemed right for the post! 📷

Earlier this year, my friend Olya asked me what seemed like a simple question: Are you okay?

My first response was: I’m not sure!

Not that I was feeling in great despair–I just wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. I remember seriously thinking about the question and feeling uncertain how to answer.

What does it mean to be okay?

We often dismiss okay as being just fine. You're not amazing or incredible, you're just okay.

But beneath this casual usage lies something more fundamental. There must be some sort of objective-ish measurement for what is okay. In searching for clinical definitions, I found several interesting variations:

Developmental Psychology View (influenced by Maslow)

"The 'okay' state represents a crucial middle ground in human experience—where basic physiological and safety needs are met, and some degree of belongingness is achieved. It's a state that precedes self-actualization but provides the stable foundation necessary for growth. This okay-ness is not mere survival, but rather the first plateau from which higher development becomes possible."

Humanistic Psychology View (influenced by Erik Erikson)

"The achievement of basic okay-ness is fundamental to healthy personality development. It represents a workable integration of one's strengths and weaknesses, a basic trust in oneself and the world that persists despite life's inevitable disappointments and failures. This state of okay-ness becomes the foundation upon which all future psychological growth is built."

Sociological Perspective (influenced by Émile Durkheim)

“’Okay-ness' in society represents a state of integration where an individual maintains sufficient social bonds and role fulfillment without experiencing disconnection or excessive social pressure. It's characterized by sustainable participation in social structures while maintaining individual identity - neither completely conforming nor entirely alienated from society."

Existentialist View (influenced by Camus and Sartre):

"Being okay means coming to terms with the fundamental absurdity of existence without falling into despair or false comfort. It represents a state where one acknowledges life's inherent meaninglessness yet continues to engage with life and create personal meaning. This 'okay-ness' is not happiness per se, but rather a form of authentic living in the face of existential uncertainty."

Each of these perspectives captures something essential about being okay. More personally, every December I do an Annual Review, a practice I’ve been writing about for more than a decade. The Review consists of setting various goals for the year coming up, as well as looking back at the current year’s accomplishments and setbacks.

In the Review I completed two years ago, I wrote that I accomplished these goals:

Did not feel in despair

Did not feel increasingly anxious as the day draws to a close

Pretty basic, but I was happy with it. And it’s another example of okay. In despair? Not okay. Increasingly anxious as the end of the day approaches? Also not okay.

The opposite of those things = okay.

Now, of course I want to be better than okay. That is a big theme of this newsletter: you can be better tomorrow than you are today.

Still, okay is the foundational starting point for better. Before you can be better, you must first be okay.

That simple question Olya asked—"Are you okay?"—turns out to be not so simple after all. We toss these words back and forth daily, usually without much thought. But being okay is a daily tension between accepting where we are and believing we can go further.

Sometimes it also means getting more comfortable with uncertainty.