Unlearning

The opposite of learning is not “forgetting.” Forgetting is passive, unlearning is active.

Last week I hosted a call with a number of readers to talk about the topic of Unlearning. We’ll do another call at some point soon! And maybe some in-person meetups as well.

For now, here are a few things we covered during the call. This isn’t a comprehensive transcript, more like a summary that could guide you to your own ideas. 

“Unlearning is not forgetting.” 📷

Think about this question:

What is the opposite of learning? 

“Forgetting” is the most straightforward answer, but forgetting is similar to breathing: it’s something that happens without you doing anything. 

It’s also usually an involuntary process: you forget your keys when you leave the house, or you forget random facts you had to memorize for a test at one point.

I think a better opposite of learning is unlearning. 

Unlearning involves the deliberate process of discarding previously acquired knowledge, beliefs, or behaviors. Unlike forgetting, unlearning is a conscious re-evaluation of former understandings, making space for new information.

Forgetting is passive, unlearning is active. 

What Are Some Lessons We Learn? 

In childhood and early adulthood, we learn all sorts of lessons. Many lessons are learned through observation and modeling, as opposed to direct instruction. Categories include: 

• Relationship, attachment, and interaction styles 

• Eating and lifestyle choices

• Conflict resolution

• Emotional regulation 

• Financial habits

• Risk assessment 

• Problem-solving 

And much more! For all of these things, some lessons are helpful and some are unhelpful. The determination of helpful/unhelpful is often subjective (what’s true for me may not be true for you, and vice versa) but there’s an easy way to discern the difference for any lesson: 

Just ask, “Does this lesson serve me well?”

The reasons why a lesson doesn't serve you well may vary:

• Maybe it serves other people well, but not you

• Maybe it served you well for a time, and now it doesn't

• Maybe it never served you well, but you never questioned it before

In all of these cases, we can benefit by unlearning. We do this by examining the unhelpful lesson, then replacing it with knowledge or behavior that better serves us.

Productivity and Self-Worth

Here is an example: for me, for a long time, a large part of my self-worth was tied into what I produced and what people thought of me. I had to realize that this lesson was no longer helpful to me (it probably wasn’t ever helpful to me, actually), and it needed unlearning. 

This is a hard lesson to unlearn! 

I also had to unlearn it in the right way, because simply saying “Well, I don’t want to produce anymore” wouldn’t be the right answer. 

I do want to make things and be creative (it’s a core part of me), I just don’t want to be so tied up in the judgment and evaluation of other people. 

As with most self-insight, simply understanding the problem goes a long way into solving it. (And sometimes “solving it” is more about just being aware of it, as opposed to some sort of magical, permanent fix.) 

What’s something you've had to unlearn? Feel free to share in the comments if you’d like. 🙂

And thank you, as always, for reading. I’m very happy to be writing here each week.