I’m unlearning hyper independence and never asking for help - life gives lots of reinforcement for this being a good thing but recently I’ve come to realize how it’s hurt me and the people around me. My tendency to do everything by myself and withdraw shows up as avoidance, unspoken resentment, and confusion for others.
Meee toooo!! Touching on the unspoken resentment piece, I'm really trying to get better at voicing issues immediately. That doesn't have to be in a reprimanding way, but just in a this makes me feel like this way. Because yes, you can just get over it, but especially as it relates to dealing with repeat offenders, this constant voicing of your feelings act as supporting arguments for not only you but also the other person so no one can deny or feign confusion about an issue. From there, you can be more assured in your decision with how to handle a situation.
I’m working on unlearning the belief that rejection is bad.
Rejection primarily consists of the universe communicating: there’s a mismatch between me and what I’m doing / who I’m interacting with / where I’m going.
Trying to reframe rejection as alignment is my new vision. However, I know I can’t do it from my head (from the top down).
I need to get super rooted in the core of my own knowing about what I want to do / how I want to be treated / what kinds of environments give me joy. Then I can ask, “Am I getting feedback that this is a mismatch with my inner knowing about what makes me fulfilled and happy?”
Sometimes I really have my heart set on being able to do something / connect to someone / go somewhere, but it’s not in the cards. Then it’s time to simply grieve that pain and sit in the fire of the longing until I burn through it. Grieving is another name for unlearning.
Learning how to grieve is a super power because it gives us the capacity to unlearn at the deepest levels.
Slightly different but I get your point. Grieving the loss of a loved one is not unlearning them in the same way that I can try to unlearn core value messaging from early childhood that is no longer serving me. Therapists might suggest not battling it directly like "unlearning" suggests action, but instead work on acceptance and modifying the early life interpretation to adult viewpoints about whatever may have helped set up the negative core value.
Early child trauma or neglect or confusing nice/mean environments can lead to the toddler taking it personally - I am no good, I deserve punishment, I don't deserve love. Those messages are nonverbal, body learned, and hard to "unlearn". Practicing self nurturing and doing new things is what helps the brain build different pathways. How to unlearn something is similar to how forgetting works. Just do new stuff and the old pathway gradually is removed. That superhighway route in the brain is dismantled and the parts reused to build new habit pathways.
I didn’t know it was “unlearning”, but from what you described it is exactly that.
I am trying to untangle worth with productivity. I am releasing the need to amplify my unique traits without stressing about how I can monetise it and become self made.
Outside of Substack, I have been trying to figure out how to use my time to somehow build something that brings in a steady, healthy income. Perhaps I drank the cool aid of the hustle culture over the last couple of years or perhaps it just ignited something that was always there “worthiness linked to money”.
So that is what I’m healing from. Unlearning from.
I’m doing it by leaning into it by giving myself 6months to a year to experiment with sprinkling joy (my super power 😊) and not think about businesses etc.
I’ve babysat my niece (single mum), spent time with my cousin who came into town, and been a listening ear to some people. ✨
Frankly unlearning that anything is fixed at all! We’re all malleable, capable of changing our thought patterns and behaviors and our abilities. I used to have such a fixed mindset—now I truly believe that what I want to do/think/ feel is entirely my choosing.
I had to unlearn a strict religious upbringing. It had its own jargon, so I switched out the words to make sure I sounded different. There was a lot more, that was the starting point.
I'm unlearning people pleasing, which is a huge topic and shows up in so many different ways, but the part I'm most focused on right now, is how people pleasing has led me to knocking my own boundaries down, not because the other person had displayed changed behavior, but because they wore me down with time, love-bombing, guilt, etc.
I'm unlearning people pleasing at my expense. As I have a boss and work with patients in a clinic setting, there is a need to do what people ask you to do.
For me the unlearning part is never at the expense of my self be that physical or mental health. It's okay to say I can do that but what do you want me to stop doing in exchange. Observe your own bandwidth. Can you? Probably. What's the price you'll pay? Think about this!
It's fascinating to come across things right after writing about them on my own. I just posted on Medium about unlearning yesterday (well it published today) though my thoughts were more about the things we learned unconsciously, but the same spirit... sometimes you have to unlearn something to make progress on something you WANT to learn. (Sticking my post down below because, I ended up kind of liking it.)
In any case, as you said, it's usually stuff we never knew were learning that needs the unlearning.
As the mother of two adult children, I am unlearning being in teaching mode around them. They are bright and wonderful people. I did my job but it is difficult to let go
I’m unlearning hyper independence and never asking for help - life gives lots of reinforcement for this being a good thing but recently I’ve come to realize how it’s hurt me and the people around me. My tendency to do everything by myself and withdraw shows up as avoidance, unspoken resentment, and confusion for others.
Meee toooo!! Touching on the unspoken resentment piece, I'm really trying to get better at voicing issues immediately. That doesn't have to be in a reprimanding way, but just in a this makes me feel like this way. Because yes, you can just get over it, but especially as it relates to dealing with repeat offenders, this constant voicing of your feelings act as supporting arguments for not only you but also the other person so no one can deny or feign confusion about an issue. From there, you can be more assured in your decision with how to handle a situation.
Me too
Oh! I love this, Sofia! It's so lonely being super independent.
I’m working on unlearning the belief that rejection is bad.
Rejection primarily consists of the universe communicating: there’s a mismatch between me and what I’m doing / who I’m interacting with / where I’m going.
Trying to reframe rejection as alignment is my new vision. However, I know I can’t do it from my head (from the top down).
I need to get super rooted in the core of my own knowing about what I want to do / how I want to be treated / what kinds of environments give me joy. Then I can ask, “Am I getting feedback that this is a mismatch with my inner knowing about what makes me fulfilled and happy?”
Sometimes I really have my heart set on being able to do something / connect to someone / go somewhere, but it’s not in the cards. Then it’s time to simply grieve that pain and sit in the fire of the longing until I burn through it. Grieving is another name for unlearning.
Learning how to grieve is a super power because it gives us the capacity to unlearn at the deepest levels.
Slightly different but I get your point. Grieving the loss of a loved one is not unlearning them in the same way that I can try to unlearn core value messaging from early childhood that is no longer serving me. Therapists might suggest not battling it directly like "unlearning" suggests action, but instead work on acceptance and modifying the early life interpretation to adult viewpoints about whatever may have helped set up the negative core value.
Early child trauma or neglect or confusing nice/mean environments can lead to the toddler taking it personally - I am no good, I deserve punishment, I don't deserve love. Those messages are nonverbal, body learned, and hard to "unlearn". Practicing self nurturing and doing new things is what helps the brain build different pathways. How to unlearn something is similar to how forgetting works. Just do new stuff and the old pathway gradually is removed. That superhighway route in the brain is dismantled and the parts reused to build new habit pathways.
I love how you're pairing the unlearning of rejection to the pairing of grief.
Your newsletters always come at the right time. 💕
I didn’t know it was “unlearning”, but from what you described it is exactly that.
I am trying to untangle worth with productivity. I am releasing the need to amplify my unique traits without stressing about how I can monetise it and become self made.
Outside of Substack, I have been trying to figure out how to use my time to somehow build something that brings in a steady, healthy income. Perhaps I drank the cool aid of the hustle culture over the last couple of years or perhaps it just ignited something that was always there “worthiness linked to money”.
So that is what I’m healing from. Unlearning from.
I’m doing it by leaning into it by giving myself 6months to a year to experiment with sprinkling joy (my super power 😊) and not think about businesses etc.
I’ve babysat my niece (single mum), spent time with my cousin who came into town, and been a listening ear to some people. ✨
Joy sounds like the perfect "unlearning" compliment to tying worth to productivity.
Although I sometimes feel joy in productive moments, I ALWAYS know joy helps me increase my feeling of worthiness.
Love it 💕 and I agree. Too much focus on money making can lead to feeling worse about yourself.
Frankly unlearning that anything is fixed at all! We’re all malleable, capable of changing our thought patterns and behaviors and our abilities. I used to have such a fixed mindset—now I truly believe that what I want to do/think/ feel is entirely my choosing.
#joyoflearning is the biggest gift 📦 for us humans 👍
I love this post. I feel like so much of my mental health work is about unlearning things.
I had to unlearn a strict religious upbringing. It had its own jargon, so I switched out the words to make sure I sounded different. There was a lot more, that was the starting point.
Oh! the unlearning I've done around a strict religion!! I feel you.
My broad strategy for "learning to be unproductive" on a sabbatical could be defined as: DO THE OPPOSITE
Examples:
- I was used to setting goals, so I didn't set any goals.
- I was used to tracking metrics, so I didn't track any metrics
- I was used to having deadlines, so I didn't make any deadlines
- I was used to a busy schedule, so I unscheduled everything
Basically, I removed all "productivity habits" until back at ground zero. Then rebuilt from there.
Wow! I love this idea for a TRUE sabbatical. Rest from all things productive.
Seems like there are lot of people who need to unlearn productivity...or at least the feeling of worthiness we tie to it.
Unlearning takes time and patience! I love this example
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0&fbclid=IwAR1dGPIGSKnEtQ4rbsCQRzU4pPNVovgGVG3JspggH86RH-rZWV9lqmgJrg4
I'm unlearning people pleasing, which is a huge topic and shows up in so many different ways, but the part I'm most focused on right now, is how people pleasing has led me to knocking my own boundaries down, not because the other person had displayed changed behavior, but because they wore me down with time, love-bombing, guilt, etc.
I had to unlearn always taking the high road and/or staying the course.
I'm unlearning people pleasing at my expense. As I have a boss and work with patients in a clinic setting, there is a need to do what people ask you to do.
For me the unlearning part is never at the expense of my self be that physical or mental health. It's okay to say I can do that but what do you want me to stop doing in exchange. Observe your own bandwidth. Can you? Probably. What's the price you'll pay? Think about this!
It's fascinating to come across things right after writing about them on my own. I just posted on Medium about unlearning yesterday (well it published today) though my thoughts were more about the things we learned unconsciously, but the same spirit... sometimes you have to unlearn something to make progress on something you WANT to learn. (Sticking my post down below because, I ended up kind of liking it.)
In any case, as you said, it's usually stuff we never knew were learning that needs the unlearning.
Thanks for sharing!
https://medium.com/write-a-catalyst/an-ogre-blocks-the-path-to-your-goal-what-do-you-do-9e7757d72152
As the mother of two adult children, I am unlearning being in teaching mode around them. They are bright and wonderful people. I did my job but it is difficult to let go
I had to unlearn that my self-worth is based on my success in school and uni. It's more important how people feel and if I like what I'm doing
Unlearning identities—these are tough. Identities that once served us or seem to serve us that no longer do. Learning those can be tough.