These kinds of statements are really invalidating. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm here. Please let me help" or "Would it help if I did x for you?" are much better received and ultimately more impactful.
“The strongest people have learned to watch their back. They know their limits, the way someone with an addiction understands that moderation doesn’t work for them.”
Chris, this is so crucial and something so few people seem to be able to respect.
Moderation does NOT work for everyone. Sure, maybe it works for “YOU” — but I’m not YOU!
Extremely addictive personalities are usually the result of extreme trauma. People with outlier levels of trauma simply have to face the reality of what’s been done to their nervous system.
Time is not going to heal it. Other people’s ideas of how to live in an extremely traumatized/addictive nervous system are not going to heal it. Only getting real about the fact that trauma trashed your nervous system is going to heal it.
The more I accept that moderation is completely and totally off the table for me, the more I heal.
I was so traumatized, and therefore have such a hair-trigger addictive system, that eating one slice of an apple can set off a ten-day fruit eating binge. And we’re not talking a few apples a day…We’re talking two pounds of tangerines every day for 10 days. We’re talking, becoming a fruit eating zombie — being taking over by the inner Kraken. It is NOT fun. But that’s what happened to me in June.
People mean well, but an apple slice to me might be like giving an alcoholic a drink that starts them back down the slide to total oblivion.
I get that people have a difficult time understanding how someone could be so addictive they can’t even eat fruit. But the level of trauma I’ve been through is so extreme I can’t even begin to mention the things that have been done to me or the things I was forced to eat as a child! Given my exposure to being force-fed horrific non-food items, it makes sense why I have almost indestructible eating disordered tendencies.
Most people have no clue about where other people might be coming from and why time is not going to heal the crap they’ve been through.
No one is coming to save you! Almost no one is going to understand you — and the further off the chain your trauma is, the more you’re the one that has to get real about it and accept it for what it is because so few other people around you are ever going to get there.
So give up on getting everybody to support you. Give up on them ever getting a clue. Stop eating fruit if you have to. Screw moderation. Do whatever the hell you have to do to heal and leave those losers behind!
The more I do that, the more I overcome what was done to me. I’m not going to let those psychos who did what they did to me win. Outliers of the world, let’s prevail by doing whatever we have to!
This is where the evolution and change really comes from. It is like following a character in a book. Some characters are there for a paragraph, some a page, some a chapter, and some for the entire length.
Don't let the people who should have stayed around for just a chapter bring down the entire story, right?
And yes, do what you have to do to find people who support your current condition and are okay with your status the way it is. I have learned that myself that I can act like a normal human being and act like I can connect with anyone, but there are only a few I deem worthy to really know my story well.
Not a joke, but still a funny story: I went to volunteer at an event this past weekend and took a wrapped package from my freezer thinking that it was a piece of coffee cake I'd saved to have for breakfast. Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped it an found a chunk of meatloaf - definitely not coffee cake!
Hard thing was caring for mother to end. Time will never take my memory of her. it will never be better for me, without her. I lost support. but (unlike most other life stages) I know what to expect now that I’m old myself. Joke: How to circumcise a whale? Answer: send four skin divers.
I think the reason they persist is that there is a kernel of truth in each of them. Time does soften the edges, though scars remain. Everything will be ok, but what that means might not fit your definition, and most people are resilient, though exactly what that looks like is different for everyone.
In therapy, I was given this mantra: "Enjoy the good moment before it leaves and returns again." At first, I thought it was false hope: "What if I experience something too debilitating or devastating, which leaves me in a state where that thing never returns?"
But I've realized that it actually makes great sense within the context of my OCD treatment. Instead of catastrophizing or creating fantastical scenarios, I’d like to be able to respond to my OCD in a rational and logical way, and avoid irrational thoughts and actions. So far, I am walking a tightrope between these two points, as I've written about frequently on my Substack.
Father n son driving through Poughkeepsie and they see the sign for the town. Son excitedly says “we’re in poo-keep-see,” butchering the pronunciation. Dad says “I’m sure it’s not pronounced like that.” Argument ensues. Dad suggests they get off the highway, and find a local who’ll correctly pronounce the name of this upstate hamlet. They pull into a parking lot. Dad approaches a man and asks him if he can clearly enunciate where they are right now. Man says sure. (With exaggerated clear enunciation): “Taco Bell.”
Time certainly gives you perspective to examine your wounds or tend to your wounds, but it will never heal them. Grief over a loved one, a lost job, a missed opportunity - this can come in waves for a long time. I would never say I'm "healed" after losing my mom nearly 14 years ago, but I do have some latitude to appreciate things about her now that I didn't understand before she passed away. Sometimes that is part of the healing, but not the cure.
This, too, shall pass be it fantastically wonderful or abysmally dreadful. Life is change. We spend too much time creating our own drama and not enough enjoying what little bits of joy carry us along.
"Or perhaps some of us are just better at holding on than others—which is not always a great skill to have!"
Among too many great lines of truth, this one hit me in the eye. Sometimes, the true expression of strength is knowing when to quit, and letting yourself quit once you know it's time. The ship sank. The rats fled. And only the stubborn captain still attempts to stir the broken helm ten thousand leagues under in hopes of not making it twenty. Stubbornness can carry you through many obstacles, but it can sink you just as reliably.
Sometimes ‘cutting your losses’ is a great strength, as it can save time and sometimes pain, from holding on or hanging in for too long. 💪🏼 To those who see it as ‘quitting’ they don’t get it and are probably locked into the dumb idea that ‘quitters never prosper’ 🙄🤨 It’s absolutely ok to cut your losses and move on to something to better 👍🏼
"I don’t look like the athlete of the day supposed to look. My belly’s just a lil’ big, my heiny’s a lil’ big, but brother, I am bad. And they know I’m bad." - Dusty Rhodes.
This always pops in my head whenever we talk about hard times and hard things to do. Sometimes, you just have to stand your ground and do what is right for you.
You come in alone, you go out alone, but between? That's where the magic happens.
Our precious black Labrador Coco was diagnosed with advanced mouth cancer 2 months ago. We thought we had about 6 months left with him, which was hard to hear. Last Thursday his tumor metastasized to the size of a basketball and his head burst open. We had to euthanize him here at home on Saturday. His ashes were spread out in the ocean. Our family is beyond devastated, but especially me because he was my very special emotional support doggie. Man this is hard. I picture him in Heaven with our yellow lab and the babies I lost, my mom and grandmoms, this brings me peace. My friend keeps telling me to repeat “I’m okay” but I’m not. Some day.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one is hard, no matter if it’s a 2 or 4-legged beloved, but many in the US are dismissive about pet loss. May I suggest looking into Grief Recovery Method? They have support for pet loss and a book about grieving the loss of beloved pets. Sending you strength for your grieving process ahead ✨💪🏼✨
Thank you so much for your thoughtful message and condolences. The Lap of Love organization who took care of Coco has a daily support group on zoom. I did it yesterday for the first time and it was really nice. I do need strength, so I appreciate that very much.
I love how you simultaneously validate the present moment and encourage movement, Chris! This is so good: “…you regain the power that you forfeited in looking outside yourself for the answers.” Thank you for another awesome post.
These kinds of statements are really invalidating. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm here. Please let me help" or "Would it help if I did x for you?" are much better received and ultimately more impactful.
“The strongest people have learned to watch their back. They know their limits, the way someone with an addiction understands that moderation doesn’t work for them.”
Chris, this is so crucial and something so few people seem to be able to respect.
Moderation does NOT work for everyone. Sure, maybe it works for “YOU” — but I’m not YOU!
Extremely addictive personalities are usually the result of extreme trauma. People with outlier levels of trauma simply have to face the reality of what’s been done to their nervous system.
Time is not going to heal it. Other people’s ideas of how to live in an extremely traumatized/addictive nervous system are not going to heal it. Only getting real about the fact that trauma trashed your nervous system is going to heal it.
The more I accept that moderation is completely and totally off the table for me, the more I heal.
I was so traumatized, and therefore have such a hair-trigger addictive system, that eating one slice of an apple can set off a ten-day fruit eating binge. And we’re not talking a few apples a day…We’re talking two pounds of tangerines every day for 10 days. We’re talking, becoming a fruit eating zombie — being taking over by the inner Kraken. It is NOT fun. But that’s what happened to me in June.
People mean well, but an apple slice to me might be like giving an alcoholic a drink that starts them back down the slide to total oblivion.
I get that people have a difficult time understanding how someone could be so addictive they can’t even eat fruit. But the level of trauma I’ve been through is so extreme I can’t even begin to mention the things that have been done to me or the things I was forced to eat as a child! Given my exposure to being force-fed horrific non-food items, it makes sense why I have almost indestructible eating disordered tendencies.
Most people have no clue about where other people might be coming from and why time is not going to heal the crap they’ve been through.
No one is coming to save you! Almost no one is going to understand you — and the further off the chain your trauma is, the more you’re the one that has to get real about it and accept it for what it is because so few other people around you are ever going to get there.
So give up on getting everybody to support you. Give up on them ever getting a clue. Stop eating fruit if you have to. Screw moderation. Do whatever the hell you have to do to heal and leave those losers behind!
The more I do that, the more I overcome what was done to me. I’m not going to let those psychos who did what they did to me win. Outliers of the world, let’s prevail by doing whatever we have to!
This is where the evolution and change really comes from. It is like following a character in a book. Some characters are there for a paragraph, some a page, some a chapter, and some for the entire length.
Don't let the people who should have stayed around for just a chapter bring down the entire story, right?
And yes, do what you have to do to find people who support your current condition and are okay with your status the way it is. I have learned that myself that I can act like a normal human being and act like I can connect with anyone, but there are only a few I deem worthy to really know my story well.
You can only take care of you in the long run.
Not a joke, but still a funny story: I went to volunteer at an event this past weekend and took a wrapped package from my freezer thinking that it was a piece of coffee cake I'd saved to have for breakfast. Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped it an found a chunk of meatloaf - definitely not coffee cake!
Hard thing was caring for mother to end. Time will never take my memory of her. it will never be better for me, without her. I lost support. but (unlike most other life stages) I know what to expect now that I’m old myself. Joke: How to circumcise a whale? Answer: send four skin divers.
About the jokes: here are three punchlines, puns that bring loooong narratives to groaning conclusions:
1. I'm a frayed knot.
2. Better Nate than lever.
3. I left my harp in San Fran's disco.
I think the reason they persist is that there is a kernel of truth in each of them. Time does soften the edges, though scars remain. Everything will be ok, but what that means might not fit your definition, and most people are resilient, though exactly what that looks like is different for everyone.
In therapy, I was given this mantra: "Enjoy the good moment before it leaves and returns again." At first, I thought it was false hope: "What if I experience something too debilitating or devastating, which leaves me in a state where that thing never returns?"
But I've realized that it actually makes great sense within the context of my OCD treatment. Instead of catastrophizing or creating fantastical scenarios, I’d like to be able to respond to my OCD in a rational and logical way, and avoid irrational thoughts and actions. So far, I am walking a tightrope between these two points, as I've written about frequently on my Substack.
Father n son driving through Poughkeepsie and they see the sign for the town. Son excitedly says “we’re in poo-keep-see,” butchering the pronunciation. Dad says “I’m sure it’s not pronounced like that.” Argument ensues. Dad suggests they get off the highway, and find a local who’ll correctly pronounce the name of this upstate hamlet. They pull into a parking lot. Dad approaches a man and asks him if he can clearly enunciate where they are right now. Man says sure. (With exaggerated clear enunciation): “Taco Bell.”
Time certainly gives you perspective to examine your wounds or tend to your wounds, but it will never heal them. Grief over a loved one, a lost job, a missed opportunity - this can come in waves for a long time. I would never say I'm "healed" after losing my mom nearly 14 years ago, but I do have some latitude to appreciate things about her now that I didn't understand before she passed away. Sometimes that is part of the healing, but not the cure.
This, too, shall pass be it fantastically wonderful or abysmally dreadful. Life is change. We spend too much time creating our own drama and not enough enjoying what little bits of joy carry us along.
"Or perhaps some of us are just better at holding on than others—which is not always a great skill to have!"
Among too many great lines of truth, this one hit me in the eye. Sometimes, the true expression of strength is knowing when to quit, and letting yourself quit once you know it's time. The ship sank. The rats fled. And only the stubborn captain still attempts to stir the broken helm ten thousand leagues under in hopes of not making it twenty. Stubbornness can carry you through many obstacles, but it can sink you just as reliably.
Sometimes ‘cutting your losses’ is a great strength, as it can save time and sometimes pain, from holding on or hanging in for too long. 💪🏼 To those who see it as ‘quitting’ they don’t get it and are probably locked into the dumb idea that ‘quitters never prosper’ 🙄🤨 It’s absolutely ok to cut your losses and move on to something to better 👍🏼
you said you want a joke - here's my father's favorite:
A dear lady living at the very tippy-top of Vermont,
pretty much on the border with Canada, came out
of her house one day, to see some men with some
equipment of some sort moving about in her yard.
She asked what was going on, and was told they're
surveying, as there's some question where the US-
Canada border is, exactly, in that area.
She was concerned, of course, said she'd love to know
when they figure it out, and went back inside, peeking
through the curtains throughout the afternoon, having
a cup of tea and worrying.
A knock on the door brought her the answer; her home
was still in the US.
"Oh", she said. "Thank Heavens!
I've heard the winters in Canada are so harsh!"
"I don’t look like the athlete of the day supposed to look. My belly’s just a lil’ big, my heiny’s a lil’ big, but brother, I am bad. And they know I’m bad." - Dusty Rhodes.
This always pops in my head whenever we talk about hard times and hard things to do. Sometimes, you just have to stand your ground and do what is right for you.
You come in alone, you go out alone, but between? That's where the magic happens.
Great post! I’ll have to give this a lot of thought but what you’ve written certainly resonates
Our precious black Labrador Coco was diagnosed with advanced mouth cancer 2 months ago. We thought we had about 6 months left with him, which was hard to hear. Last Thursday his tumor metastasized to the size of a basketball and his head burst open. We had to euthanize him here at home on Saturday. His ashes were spread out in the ocean. Our family is beyond devastated, but especially me because he was my very special emotional support doggie. Man this is hard. I picture him in Heaven with our yellow lab and the babies I lost, my mom and grandmoms, this brings me peace. My friend keeps telling me to repeat “I’m okay” but I’m not. Some day.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one is hard, no matter if it’s a 2 or 4-legged beloved, but many in the US are dismissive about pet loss. May I suggest looking into Grief Recovery Method? They have support for pet loss and a book about grieving the loss of beloved pets. Sending you strength for your grieving process ahead ✨💪🏼✨
Thank you so much for your thoughtful message and condolences. The Lap of Love organization who took care of Coco has a daily support group on zoom. I did it yesterday for the first time and it was really nice. I do need strength, so I appreciate that very much.
I love how you simultaneously validate the present moment and encourage movement, Chris! This is so good: “…you regain the power that you forfeited in looking outside yourself for the answers.” Thank you for another awesome post.