That David Foster Wallace quote needs to be tattooed in reverse on my forehead. Words to live by when I’m in my head overthinking what everyone else is thinking about me, when they are busy thinking about what I’m thinking about them. His wording is a bit more eloquent 😂 I love when people confide in me and welcome it. I love the feeling of being closer to someone when we can be vulnerable together.
The adage of "People think of themselves and their own situation 99% of the time."
If you equate that to waking time in the day, out of the 960 minutes we have being awake, roughly 15 of those minutes are spent about thinking about someone else exclusively.
It is liberating because first you know most people aren't caring about what you say since they are obsessed with their own favorite topic. Second, you can use that to your advantage by shaving off another 15 minutes to think about other people exclusively. That little boost puts you on the superhighway to connection as well.
I often preface it by saying "I am not going to give you the trite answers I know you don't want anyway. I am here to support you by listening and maybe asking a question or two to clarify. Does that sound good?"
That changes the whole atmosphere.
And that is something you can do for yourself to set expectations from others as well. "I just need you to listen to me uninterrupted for like 5 minutes, then the floor is all yours. Do you think that is possible?"
If they say yes, cool! If not, then you merely save the conversation for someone else who can follow that request.
The hardest part of relying on self is knowing when to make the change over to theraputic conversations with friends and family. It's hard because we all continue to believe if it worked before, it will keep working. We know when to changed from a hammer to a screwdriver, but changing a life long protective instinct is truly hard. i'm still working on it.
Truer words have never been spoken. Being vulnerable has proved to me that virtually everybody has "something" going on, be it good, bad, or something in between. Having others see my vulnerability has allowed me to be more human, less of a stoic, standoffish sort, which was my persona for most of my life. As I not-so-gracefully age, I welcome the opportunity to say and show what I'm feeling, what I'm going through. It's liberating.
Whenever I’m going through something, I tend to “awfulize” the situation and grow it into an even bigger monster. Sharing the burden almost always makes things better. It’s not that friends tend to say the “right” thing, it’s the mere fact that they’re willing to show up at all during a rainy day as opposed to a free meal, awesome day trip or other purely fun time.
Dated a guy once who had a lot of issues. Didn’t mind being there for him but I found time and again that every single time he shared something painful/personal and cried in my presence that the next time we were together he was kinda rageful. I think his thinking was “you saw me at my most vulnerable, now I’m gonna tear you down.” Sometimes you don’t know who your friends are til you need a real friend. It’s worth leaning on those around you so you know who is worth keeping in your life. I’ve found that relationships are not like bank accounts at all—I’ve deposited lots of goodwill, I need to make a withdrawal now. It’s especially hard to learn that lesson if you’re very independent and don’t ask anyone for anything until you’re hanging by your fingernails. Too late then.
This is a really useful article. I am definitely guilty of keeping my stuff inside and I often think it’d be a burden to others if I shared my problems. However I am always happy to listen to others and support where I can.
I guess that’s where the self-love and self-worth piece comes in. One has to believe they deserve that support back, and be open to receiving it.
I am working on that, it’s a practice like any change of mindset work, but I’m getting much better at it. Your article reminded me that allowing yourself to be supported is often a gift to the other person 💝
That David Foster Wallace quote needs to be tattooed in reverse on my forehead. Words to live by when I’m in my head overthinking what everyone else is thinking about me, when they are busy thinking about what I’m thinking about them. His wording is a bit more eloquent 😂 I love when people confide in me and welcome it. I love the feeling of being closer to someone when we can be vulnerable together.
The adage of "People think of themselves and their own situation 99% of the time."
If you equate that to waking time in the day, out of the 960 minutes we have being awake, roughly 15 of those minutes are spent about thinking about someone else exclusively.
It is liberating because first you know most people aren't caring about what you say since they are obsessed with their own favorite topic. Second, you can use that to your advantage by shaving off another 15 minutes to think about other people exclusively. That little boost puts you on the superhighway to connection as well.
I often preface it by saying "I am not going to give you the trite answers I know you don't want anyway. I am here to support you by listening and maybe asking a question or two to clarify. Does that sound good?"
That changes the whole atmosphere.
And that is something you can do for yourself to set expectations from others as well. "I just need you to listen to me uninterrupted for like 5 minutes, then the floor is all yours. Do you think that is possible?"
If they say yes, cool! If not, then you merely save the conversation for someone else who can follow that request.
This is such great advice for giving and requesting support. Thank you for sharing those questions 🙏🏼
The hardest part of relying on self is knowing when to make the change over to theraputic conversations with friends and family. It's hard because we all continue to believe if it worked before, it will keep working. We know when to changed from a hammer to a screwdriver, but changing a life long protective instinct is truly hard. i'm still working on it.
Truer words have never been spoken. Being vulnerable has proved to me that virtually everybody has "something" going on, be it good, bad, or something in between. Having others see my vulnerability has allowed me to be more human, less of a stoic, standoffish sort, which was my persona for most of my life. As I not-so-gracefully age, I welcome the opportunity to say and show what I'm feeling, what I'm going through. It's liberating.
Whenever I’m going through something, I tend to “awfulize” the situation and grow it into an even bigger monster. Sharing the burden almost always makes things better. It’s not that friends tend to say the “right” thing, it’s the mere fact that they’re willing to show up at all during a rainy day as opposed to a free meal, awesome day trip or other purely fun time.
Dated a guy once who had a lot of issues. Didn’t mind being there for him but I found time and again that every single time he shared something painful/personal and cried in my presence that the next time we were together he was kinda rageful. I think his thinking was “you saw me at my most vulnerable, now I’m gonna tear you down.” Sometimes you don’t know who your friends are til you need a real friend. It’s worth leaning on those around you so you know who is worth keeping in your life. I’ve found that relationships are not like bank accounts at all—I’ve deposited lots of goodwill, I need to make a withdrawal now. It’s especially hard to learn that lesson if you’re very independent and don’t ask anyone for anything until you’re hanging by your fingernails. Too late then.
This is a really useful article. I am definitely guilty of keeping my stuff inside and I often think it’d be a burden to others if I shared my problems. However I am always happy to listen to others and support where I can.
I guess that’s where the self-love and self-worth piece comes in. One has to believe they deserve that support back, and be open to receiving it.
I am working on that, it’s a practice like any change of mindset work, but I’m getting much better at it. Your article reminded me that allowing yourself to be supported is often a gift to the other person 💝