The Importance of Talking to People Who Understand You
When you’re going through something, someone else is too.
We’ll return to the executive function series next week. Today’s post is somewhat related, though: it can be hard to do small things because you don’t walk to talk to people about something that’s wrong.
It seems like such a simple concept: if you’re struggling with something, you should talk with someone.
But for much of my life, I didn’t do that. I always preferred to go it alone. Often, this worked reasonably well—but then for a while, it didn’t.
I thought about this recently when a friend told me she was going through a big breakup.
How are you, I asked. It’s not always the best question, but we tend to revert to conversation patterns.
It’s hard but I’m okay, she said. I’m spending a lot of time with friends and family.
Breakups are hard even with support. But you know what’s harder? Not having support.
Granted, you can’t waive a magic wand and conjure up people who understand. But if you’re like me, who had access to people who cared but just chose not to involve them—I’d gently suggest rethinking that. 🙂
Another Great Thing About Talking to People: You Learn Where They Stand
Sharing involves risk, as I learned one time when I overshared with a new friend, who then never talked to me again. A lot of people can’t handle your issues. Which is probably good to know at some point! Better to know than to not know.
Still, all things considered, talking is better than not talking.
When you talk with people about your problems, you tend to learn that they have problems, too. Often, an honest conversation generates a “Me too!” experience. (The good kind of me too, to be clear.)
You go away feeling relieved and enlightened by the mutual vulnerability.
Finally, you learn that most people aren’t obsessed with you, and this can feel very freeing if you’ve been worried about being judged. The classic quote from David Foster Wallace comes to mind:
“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”
So if you’re going through something and you’re holding back on talking to someone about it—consider rethinking this belief!
If you already know that, great. But many people don’t (I didn’t), so I thought it was worth sharing.
That David Foster Wallace quote needs to be tattooed in reverse on my forehead. Words to live by when I’m in my head overthinking what everyone else is thinking about me, when they are busy thinking about what I’m thinking about them. His wording is a bit more eloquent 😂 I love when people confide in me and welcome it. I love the feeling of being closer to someone when we can be vulnerable together.
The adage of "People think of themselves and their own situation 99% of the time."
If you equate that to waking time in the day, out of the 960 minutes we have being awake, roughly 15 of those minutes are spent about thinking about someone else exclusively.
It is liberating because first you know most people aren't caring about what you say since they are obsessed with their own favorite topic. Second, you can use that to your advantage by shaving off another 15 minutes to think about other people exclusively. That little boost puts you on the superhighway to connection as well.
I often preface it by saying "I am not going to give you the trite answers I know you don't want anyway. I am here to support you by listening and maybe asking a question or two to clarify. Does that sound good?"
That changes the whole atmosphere.
And that is something you can do for yourself to set expectations from others as well. "I just need you to listen to me uninterrupted for like 5 minutes, then the floor is all yours. Do you think that is possible?"
If they say yes, cool! If not, then you merely save the conversation for someone else who can follow that request.