Love this. At 65 I finally started pushing past the limits I’d put on myself to conform to what I thought was acceptable - I finally realized that it wasn’t all acceptable to ME. Which explains the recent nose piercing and the tattoo I’m getting in a few weeks (my first), which will say, “ Unapologetically Me”. It’s about time.
Nothing is all good or all bad. Not even psychopathy.
The good: I come from a family of entrepreneurs dating back to the turn of the last century on both sides of my family.
My great-great grandfather on my dad’s side sold real estate in New York City before World War I. My great-grandmother and great-grandfather on my mom’s side owned a bakery and then a cafe in Walnut Creek, Iowa, enabling them to put their son through college during the Great Depression.
My grandfather on my dad’s side built up and bankrupted a dairy empire called Garden State Farms. My mom owned a dress shop called “The Daisy.” She was also a realtor and self-employed aesthetician. My dad was a freelance food technology consultant, from Lithuania to China, ultimately dying in Columbia from the combination of COPD, undetected lung cancer (lifetime of smoking) and the high altitude.
In my family, doing what you want to do — pursuing your entrepreneurial non-conformist dreams — is the norm. From childhood, me, my brother and sister were encouraged and supported to listen to what we were interested in, and do that. Poetry? Reading? Art? No problem. I never lacked for books or specialized education for writing and poetry. My brother never lacked for art classes. He now owns a tile store in Charlottesville, Virginia —Sarisand Tile. He designs kitchens and bathrooms and uses tiles as his method of artistic expression. I’ve been an entrepreneur my entire adult life, first as a private tutor and now as an Internal Family Systems life coach and teacher.
The bad: I come from a family of profound mental illness. All my pathbreaking, non-confirming ancestors were profoundly personality disordered. I won’t go into the gnarly details here, but there’s a reason I’ve done over 7,000 hours of psychotherapy on myself as a result of the Mt. Everest of trauma they perpetrated. The very same inner freedom and capacity to go against social structures that enabled them to build businesses is the inner freedom and capacity they had to also destroy the children around them. It was a swinging door: no adhering to social rules publicly = business creation; no adhering to social rules privately = interpersonal destruction.
In an ideal world, our parents would encourage us to be rule-breakers and non-conformists without also embodying the very, very dark side of those qualities. I am living proof that the gift of having parents who support non-conformity is not what it looks like on the outside, and I wouldn’t be surprised if many people who were given the gift of non-conformist parents also experience the very extreme shadow side of that.
Some of us have to face the demons of parents who don’t encourage non-conformity. Some of us have to face the demons of parents who are non-conformists but alas, in a far too out-of-control way.
No matter what our challenge, the path of listening to our truths and our deepest callings, remains.
Here’s to living lives of fierce authenticity and embodying non-conformity in a way that’s generative and life-giving, not chaotic and destructive.
I've been sinking more and more into this the last couple of years, and it's been wonderful. The extra fascinating thing has been that while some family members have been quite chuffed about it, I keep seeing my Mother slowly peeling back her own layers. Pretty miraculous!
Unfortunately, my family was/is evil, God awful people to me, so I had to “divorce”them a number of years back. I had an affluent, fun upbringing, but the emotional chaos was too toxic to stick around. I have an amazing husband and 5 kids, so my life is full, but I will not lie, though re-establishing relationship is not an option (per therapist, husband and ME) I do miss them every once in a while, especially holidays, which were always very festive in our Cuban family. Thanks for your emails.
THANK YOU, it’s perfect. I took my hubby and 5 kids and started a new branch, new roots, healthiest choice I’ve ever made but very difficult. L ft that rotting trunk behind. Blessings to you.
Can very much relate to this as someone who has definitely gone off the beaten path. I still have a few naysayers in my surroundings, but because I stuck with following my dreams most people around me have come to understand me.
I have lived abroad for most of the last 20 years and about half of the decade before that. I haven't seen my family in about 5 years and went home this June. One of the first things that came out of my older brother's mouth was the term "black sheep". I have three siblings and we are all black sheep. None of us has ever been particularly beholden to our family. I think, at the end of the day, our parents are the glue. And if they don't stick us together, we grow apart. My dad died quite young and he and my mother were both pretty narcissistic anyway so I think we all started to grow black hairs at a very young age though mine were the earliest and most prevalent.
And...Here I am typing this from Ha Noi, Vietnam planning my return next year. Not to visit my family but to promote my artwork and book. I did my family time this year and have sacrificed a lot of time trying to maintain relations with a flock that doesn't need me any more than I need them. No hard feelings...We have always just gone our own way. PEACE.
This sounds exhausting and pointless. My family wrote me off as soon as I married (as if I now had a spouse who could deal with it) and eventually I got used to it. Although I've felt sad and sometimes angry about it, at least it isn't a problem...although it felt really strange to have my ex tell me my aunt had died years ago.
This post is about people who are a “Black Sheep” due to their own nature. That nature deviates from the norm of a social group. Would this apply to those of us who are “black sheep/scapegoat” by designation in the group/family and the object of projection and triangulation?
Definitely working through this this year - I’ve never minded the black sheep label but I was also hoping that some day my family would validate that that’s not a bad thing and actually my opinions, ideas, decisions are at least fine and at the most pretty amazing.
But I don’t think that validation is ever coming… and with that realization, I’ve had to also admit that some of what I was doing was in an effort to change their minds and not just because I was called to do it. And that has been both freeing and also frightening. Haha.
Now I’m trying to figure out how to do only things I’m called to.
And actually, it’s mostly the same, but I’ve found that without the pressure of doing it so well that it’ll change hearts and minds, I can enjoy it all a little more.
Love this. At 65 I finally started pushing past the limits I’d put on myself to conform to what I thought was acceptable - I finally realized that it wasn’t all acceptable to ME. Which explains the recent nose piercing and the tattoo I’m getting in a few weeks (my first), which will say, “ Unapologetically Me”. It’s about time.
I love this. Good for you!
Psychopathy and Entrepreneurship
Nothing is all good or all bad. Not even psychopathy.
The good: I come from a family of entrepreneurs dating back to the turn of the last century on both sides of my family.
My great-great grandfather on my dad’s side sold real estate in New York City before World War I. My great-grandmother and great-grandfather on my mom’s side owned a bakery and then a cafe in Walnut Creek, Iowa, enabling them to put their son through college during the Great Depression.
My grandfather on my dad’s side built up and bankrupted a dairy empire called Garden State Farms. My mom owned a dress shop called “The Daisy.” She was also a realtor and self-employed aesthetician. My dad was a freelance food technology consultant, from Lithuania to China, ultimately dying in Columbia from the combination of COPD, undetected lung cancer (lifetime of smoking) and the high altitude.
In my family, doing what you want to do — pursuing your entrepreneurial non-conformist dreams — is the norm. From childhood, me, my brother and sister were encouraged and supported to listen to what we were interested in, and do that. Poetry? Reading? Art? No problem. I never lacked for books or specialized education for writing and poetry. My brother never lacked for art classes. He now owns a tile store in Charlottesville, Virginia —Sarisand Tile. He designs kitchens and bathrooms and uses tiles as his method of artistic expression. I’ve been an entrepreneur my entire adult life, first as a private tutor and now as an Internal Family Systems life coach and teacher.
The bad: I come from a family of profound mental illness. All my pathbreaking, non-confirming ancestors were profoundly personality disordered. I won’t go into the gnarly details here, but there’s a reason I’ve done over 7,000 hours of psychotherapy on myself as a result of the Mt. Everest of trauma they perpetrated. The very same inner freedom and capacity to go against social structures that enabled them to build businesses is the inner freedom and capacity they had to also destroy the children around them. It was a swinging door: no adhering to social rules publicly = business creation; no adhering to social rules privately = interpersonal destruction.
In an ideal world, our parents would encourage us to be rule-breakers and non-conformists without also embodying the very, very dark side of those qualities. I am living proof that the gift of having parents who support non-conformity is not what it looks like on the outside, and I wouldn’t be surprised if many people who were given the gift of non-conformist parents also experience the very extreme shadow side of that.
Some of us have to face the demons of parents who don’t encourage non-conformity. Some of us have to face the demons of parents who are non-conformists but alas, in a far too out-of-control way.
No matter what our challenge, the path of listening to our truths and our deepest callings, remains.
Here’s to living lives of fierce authenticity and embodying non-conformity in a way that’s generative and life-giving, not chaotic and destructive.
I wish I had had these words is encouragement back when I still had a family. Thank you for this validation, though!
You’ll always have a human family (though dogs are far more loyal!). Reach out any time!
I loved your article. I am facing the same problem. Hopefully I will muster the courage to lead the life I deem successful according to my own terms
I've been sinking more and more into this the last couple of years, and it's been wonderful. The extra fascinating thing has been that while some family members have been quite chuffed about it, I keep seeing my Mother slowly peeling back her own layers. Pretty miraculous!
Unfortunately, my family was/is evil, God awful people to me, so I had to “divorce”them a number of years back. I had an affluent, fun upbringing, but the emotional chaos was too toxic to stick around. I have an amazing husband and 5 kids, so my life is full, but I will not lie, though re-establishing relationship is not an option (per therapist, husband and ME) I do miss them every once in a while, especially holidays, which were always very festive in our Cuban family. Thanks for your emails.
I just posted this short vid elsewhere and thought I would share. It's about the wonder of black sheep.
https://youtube.com/shorts/yF7z2LG50aQ?si=M8W0owHzKPqkS__D
I hope that's okay.
THANK YOU, it’s perfect. I took my hubby and 5 kids and started a new branch, new roots, healthiest choice I’ve ever made but very difficult. L ft that rotting trunk behind. Blessings to you.
Thank you find your writing coherent. Interesting
Can very much relate to this as someone who has definitely gone off the beaten path. I still have a few naysayers in my surroundings, but because I stuck with following my dreams most people around me have come to understand me.
I have lived abroad for most of the last 20 years and about half of the decade before that. I haven't seen my family in about 5 years and went home this June. One of the first things that came out of my older brother's mouth was the term "black sheep". I have three siblings and we are all black sheep. None of us has ever been particularly beholden to our family. I think, at the end of the day, our parents are the glue. And if they don't stick us together, we grow apart. My dad died quite young and he and my mother were both pretty narcissistic anyway so I think we all started to grow black hairs at a very young age though mine were the earliest and most prevalent.
And...Here I am typing this from Ha Noi, Vietnam planning my return next year. Not to visit my family but to promote my artwork and book. I did my family time this year and have sacrificed a lot of time trying to maintain relations with a flock that doesn't need me any more than I need them. No hard feelings...We have always just gone our own way. PEACE.
This sounds exhausting and pointless. My family wrote me off as soon as I married (as if I now had a spouse who could deal with it) and eventually I got used to it. Although I've felt sad and sometimes angry about it, at least it isn't a problem...although it felt really strange to have my ex tell me my aunt had died years ago.
This post is about people who are a “Black Sheep” due to their own nature. That nature deviates from the norm of a social group. Would this apply to those of us who are “black sheep/scapegoat” by designation in the group/family and the object of projection and triangulation?
Definitely working through this this year - I’ve never minded the black sheep label but I was also hoping that some day my family would validate that that’s not a bad thing and actually my opinions, ideas, decisions are at least fine and at the most pretty amazing.
But I don’t think that validation is ever coming… and with that realization, I’ve had to also admit that some of what I was doing was in an effort to change their minds and not just because I was called to do it. And that has been both freeing and also frightening. Haha.
Now I’m trying to figure out how to do only things I’m called to.
And actually, it’s mostly the same, but I’ve found that without the pressure of doing it so well that it’ll change hearts and minds, I can enjoy it all a little more.