The reality that MOST relationship conflict is perpetually problematic is not part of our zeitgeist. Instead, there’s a strong (misguided) belief that “if I just communicate better” I can somehow resolve any conflict that arises between me and someone else. But the deck is stacked against me if 70% percent of the time that’s not true.
Although I’ve known this statistic for years, and known about this concept for years, it’s hitting me harder than it ever has right this minute.
70% of the time what I need to do is face the reality that this other person is going to be how they are, and I can’t change it and I have to decide what I will do in response.
I can’t change them. I can’t do better. I can’t communicate better. I just have to decide how I will be with this gap between us. Either it’s something I can live with it or not. And that’s it. There’s nothing more that can be done about it.
Yes, 30% of the time there is a solution—but deeply accepting that more than 2/3 of the time there is no solution is simultaneously horrifying and relieving. Because it gets me off the hook for trying and trying and trying and beating my head against a wall that is simply never going to change.
What a helpful re-orientation going into this holiday season, when we’re exposed to differences between us and other people that are simply impossible to fix.
What is the level of closeness I can sustain comfortably with someone who has these differences, so that I can still feel healthy and whole? With some people, it may be no contact. For some people, it may be low contact. For some people it may be that I can handle the level of contact we have through the holidays. But the more that I decide what distance works for me, the healthier I’m going to be January 1!
For me, the way to decide what I will do is to work with the parts of me who are triggered by the differences between me and this person using Internal Family Systems (IFS).
But it really doesn’t matter what technique you use—the important thing is to be aware: you get to decide what you do about this difference between you and the other person. The part of you who says “just try harder“ may not be accurately understanding that 70% of the time that won’t work.
Thanks for this incredibly timely reminder that trying harder is not always the solution, Chris!
Oh absolutely!! MANY moons ago, I thought if my communication was better, things could get resolved. But now, my communication is very clear, considered, and ultra-direct, and yet, there are STILL people who will ignore, project, make excuses or continue the same toxic behaviors. Turns out,many people won't even respond to great communication and direct truth (no matter how tactful you are) anyway, and this is just a reflection of their character and where they are at. Letting go is key. And also, self awareness. The more you know about yourself, the more you will be able to know if you can tolerate certain recurring issues with people long term. This will save you invaluable time and wasted energy.
TRUTH BOMB! This shift, more than any other, has led to a profound realignment for me. It takes a remarkable amount of energy to hide from/deny reality. Acceptance frees up that energy.
I agree with Francis, this is the best post ever. I have always thought, probably because of all of the external forces (tv, books, podcasts, etc) that I have to resolve everything. This is so helpful and freeing.
Chris – So many of your articles resonate with me, but this one especially so. I just spent time journaling the eight events/issues I've confronted since early October, beginning with the death of my mother on October 3rd. I've been in the storm. I wrote: "I can turn each one of these losses/challenges into a win if I choose to do so." Then I wrote out negative ways of thinking vs. positive ways of thinking for each one. So cathartic and clarifying.
I lost my mom and then, 20 days later, the woman I thought was my best friend (who was at my mom's bedside with me), threw a grenade into our relationship ... It's been a pattern over the past six years we've known each other, but we've always found a way back to each other, stronger. We had gone two years with minimal conflict and a lot of warmth, so this one blindsided me big time, especially coming so immediately after my mother's death. Coming to grips with an understanding that there's likely BPD involved here and that, this time, the foundation of trust between us has been so torched, I cannot fathom a deep relationship with her in the future (though we move in some same circles, and this has been tough), nor do I want it. The "finality" of this time has been especially hard. So, it's been like losing two people in less than a month. I'm still processing.
But your piece has really helped, thank you! I remember reading a NYT article over the past year referring to the most valuable skill we can develop in these fraught times is living with uncertainty. And there sure is a lot of it right now in this fragile and harsh world we live in! Thank you again for faithfully writing words that matter ❤️
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and close friend. You need peace not drama to heal and grieve and move through this. Journaling could help. Toxic interactions are always unpleasant. Be strong in your decision not to let this person back in to hurt you again. Civility is hard when others war with you. I wish you the quietude you need to regain your bearings and just know that you are enough.
Such a great point you make. It's really about discernment. Knowing when something is out of your control, and learning to let go. Sometimes, solving a problem involves two people, and the other person will never be on board. Other times, it's not the right 'season' in life. The reality is, we control very little, so letting go is always an important step towards freedom.
It's tough sometimes, though, when the other person is asking for resolution. Like you've been acting one way and then because you have finally seen the "light," you are not installing boundaries and speaking up, and they're like "I just want it to go back to normal." And I guess the response to that is "It's not going back to that normal." And just letting them have their own host of emotions about that.
This is a great post, but I have to say that my 30 minutes per day on Netflix or Amazon watching those old sitcoms completely synchronizes my vagus nerve and I feel so at peace. My regular life brings me enough problems. I don’t need to watch other people’s and get myself amped up.
People (OK, me) don't like open loops, that's why TV shows wrap it all up in a neat little bow by the end. I hate that there are so many shows I enjoyed that never got an ending, perpetual open loops because the shows got cancelled.
It's like that in life too sometimes, more often than I would like anyway. Accepting that something is an "I can't change it" loop rather than an "I can change it" one has been helpful for me to deal with that.
This post really spoke to me too. I have certain people in my life and it’s taken me time to accept them how they are. They are not going to change and I can only control how I react. I’m still processing but it took a long time to be somewhat ‘ok’ with it.
So wise! I am constantly explaining to people I'm working with to ban gas-powered leaf blowers - that it's going to take some time and that every win along the way is worth celebrating. Now, it's quieter in my neighborhood, but it took 8 years to get here.
John Gottman, one of the top relationship researchers of our era, says that up to 70% of conflicts between people are un- resolvable. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/#:~:text=When%20thinking%20about%20conflict%20in,and%20a%20gridlocked%20perpetual%20problem.
He calls them “perpetual problems.”
The reality that MOST relationship conflict is perpetually problematic is not part of our zeitgeist. Instead, there’s a strong (misguided) belief that “if I just communicate better” I can somehow resolve any conflict that arises between me and someone else. But the deck is stacked against me if 70% percent of the time that’s not true.
Although I’ve known this statistic for years, and known about this concept for years, it’s hitting me harder than it ever has right this minute.
70% of the time what I need to do is face the reality that this other person is going to be how they are, and I can’t change it and I have to decide what I will do in response.
I can’t change them. I can’t do better. I can’t communicate better. I just have to decide how I will be with this gap between us. Either it’s something I can live with it or not. And that’s it. There’s nothing more that can be done about it.
Yes, 30% of the time there is a solution—but deeply accepting that more than 2/3 of the time there is no solution is simultaneously horrifying and relieving. Because it gets me off the hook for trying and trying and trying and beating my head against a wall that is simply never going to change.
What a helpful re-orientation going into this holiday season, when we’re exposed to differences between us and other people that are simply impossible to fix.
What is the level of closeness I can sustain comfortably with someone who has these differences, so that I can still feel healthy and whole? With some people, it may be no contact. For some people, it may be low contact. For some people it may be that I can handle the level of contact we have through the holidays. But the more that I decide what distance works for me, the healthier I’m going to be January 1!
For me, the way to decide what I will do is to work with the parts of me who are triggered by the differences between me and this person using Internal Family Systems (IFS).
But it really doesn’t matter what technique you use—the important thing is to be aware: you get to decide what you do about this difference between you and the other person. The part of you who says “just try harder“ may not be accurately understanding that 70% of the time that won’t work.
Thanks for this incredibly timely reminder that trying harder is not always the solution, Chris!
Oh absolutely!! MANY moons ago, I thought if my communication was better, things could get resolved. But now, my communication is very clear, considered, and ultra-direct, and yet, there are STILL people who will ignore, project, make excuses or continue the same toxic behaviors. Turns out,many people won't even respond to great communication and direct truth (no matter how tactful you are) anyway, and this is just a reflection of their character and where they are at. Letting go is key. And also, self awareness. The more you know about yourself, the more you will be able to know if you can tolerate certain recurring issues with people long term. This will save you invaluable time and wasted energy.
Thank you for this very helpful comment, Melissa. It really spoke to me.
Some conflicts took a full TWO episodes to resolve them :D That's when you knew things were really bad in the sitcom world :P
TRUTH BOMB! This shift, more than any other, has led to a profound realignment for me. It takes a remarkable amount of energy to hide from/deny reality. Acceptance frees up that energy.
I agree with Francis, this is the best post ever. I have always thought, probably because of all of the external forces (tv, books, podcasts, etc) that I have to resolve everything. This is so helpful and freeing.
Chris – So many of your articles resonate with me, but this one especially so. I just spent time journaling the eight events/issues I've confronted since early October, beginning with the death of my mother on October 3rd. I've been in the storm. I wrote: "I can turn each one of these losses/challenges into a win if I choose to do so." Then I wrote out negative ways of thinking vs. positive ways of thinking for each one. So cathartic and clarifying.
I lost my mom and then, 20 days later, the woman I thought was my best friend (who was at my mom's bedside with me), threw a grenade into our relationship ... It's been a pattern over the past six years we've known each other, but we've always found a way back to each other, stronger. We had gone two years with minimal conflict and a lot of warmth, so this one blindsided me big time, especially coming so immediately after my mother's death. Coming to grips with an understanding that there's likely BPD involved here and that, this time, the foundation of trust between us has been so torched, I cannot fathom a deep relationship with her in the future (though we move in some same circles, and this has been tough), nor do I want it. The "finality" of this time has been especially hard. So, it's been like losing two people in less than a month. I'm still processing.
But your piece has really helped, thank you! I remember reading a NYT article over the past year referring to the most valuable skill we can develop in these fraught times is living with uncertainty. And there sure is a lot of it right now in this fragile and harsh world we live in! Thank you again for faithfully writing words that matter ❤️
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and close friend. You need peace not drama to heal and grieve and move through this. Journaling could help. Toxic interactions are always unpleasant. Be strong in your decision not to let this person back in to hurt you again. Civility is hard when others war with you. I wish you the quietude you need to regain your bearings and just know that you are enough.
Thank you, Carol. These are good, strong words I need to hear!
Thank you, Chris. So many of your columns are real life relevant. At least to my life
Best post ever. Hopefully I can do your suggestions.
I loved this so much that parts of it were copied into a reminder that will pop up periodically! Thanks Chris 💕
Such a great point you make. It's really about discernment. Knowing when something is out of your control, and learning to let go. Sometimes, solving a problem involves two people, and the other person will never be on board. Other times, it's not the right 'season' in life. The reality is, we control very little, so letting go is always an important step towards freedom.
It's tough sometimes, though, when the other person is asking for resolution. Like you've been acting one way and then because you have finally seen the "light," you are not installing boundaries and speaking up, and they're like "I just want it to go back to normal." And I guess the response to that is "It's not going back to that normal." And just letting them have their own host of emotions about that.
This is a great post, but I have to say that my 30 minutes per day on Netflix or Amazon watching those old sitcoms completely synchronizes my vagus nerve and I feel so at peace. My regular life brings me enough problems. I don’t need to watch other people’s and get myself amped up.
People (OK, me) don't like open loops, that's why TV shows wrap it all up in a neat little bow by the end. I hate that there are so many shows I enjoyed that never got an ending, perpetual open loops because the shows got cancelled.
It's like that in life too sometimes, more often than I would like anyway. Accepting that something is an "I can't change it" loop rather than an "I can change it" one has been helpful for me to deal with that.
This post really spoke to me too. I have certain people in my life and it’s taken me time to accept them how they are. They are not going to change and I can only control how I react. I’m still processing but it took a long time to be somewhat ‘ok’ with it.
Thanks … great food for thought x
I sincerely loved everything I read here. I needed to hear them as I navigate to accept some difficult things that come with the territory.
And I have to check out that show. Thankfully, the show is available in my region. 💜💚
So wise! I am constantly explaining to people I'm working with to ban gas-powered leaf blowers - that it's going to take some time and that every win along the way is worth celebrating. Now, it's quieter in my neighborhood, but it took 8 years to get here.