I read Albert Ellis’ book about his Rational Emotive Therapy in the 1980s when I was a young therapy client. The therapy was super helpful but it was changing my self talk, as described in Ellis’ book, that really changed my life. I have been a licensed psychotherapist since 1990 and it is the the first thing I teach my clients, almost always during the first session, because it is so often a practice that creates real, lasting change. I want everyone to get it on board as quickly as they can. So glad you’re writing about this! It could so easily be taught in schools, churches, heck, the DMV.
Awwww I love Albert Ellis! His belief that “you can stand it” is a bedrock of my personal belief systems and ability to change. I had the privilege of meeting him in person and it was life-changing!
Chris, thanks for sharing your experiences with this theme. I too have trouble with procrastination, and more recently have pinpointed that it's due to my OCD related thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are major roadblocks for me to do nearly anything that neurotypical folks would do without much or any consideration. Practicing self-care through fitness training has opened my eyes to the possibility of overcoming a lot of my negative thoughts. I still have a lot of work to do with regards to getting over my daily rituals and fears, but my routine of care and compassion towards myself has helped me make some real good strides.
For me deliberately minding my self talk was an important step. Once upon a time I used to say to myself things, "Well that was stupid." Then I mindfully changed it to, "Well that was silly." Same idea, but much more kind and usually more accurate.
These days it has been years since I regressed. At least on that one 😉
"Almost every day, for years, I would talk to myself in highly negative terms. Much of this internal dialogue related to failures or perceived shortcomings, or perhaps ways I felt disappointed in myself."
Ha! So Chris, you're the zombie that ate my brain! Didn't know you'd get that chattering monkey on your back though from that meal, did you? Yes, negative self-talk is a form of demon possession, and I carried that demon for too long. He's still there, but I'm much better at demon management these days (well, most days). I make fun of his clown shoes, or his bad mustache.
Using my SAD "Happy Light" to bathe in 10,000 lumens for 30 minutes a day in winter is cheaper than ketamine. And there's always chocolate...
I love this post, as I relate to it so deeply. Thank you. I love your wisdom on change coming from a range of adjustments. That's been true for me with changes ranging from breathwork, meditation, different types of therapy, workshops, developing a sense of spirituality, etc. The biggest catalyst for me is being a dad. I want so much to create a beautiful experience for my kids, and I realized that I first have to grow to model the change... and then I realized what I want to model is an imperfect human whose purpose is growth and love. One of the big changes for me is talking and supporting myself in the same loving and patient way I strive to talk to and support them. Lastly, thank you for sharing that "change happens gradually, then suddenly." I paused and reflected on all the instances when that has been true in my life. I'd never thought about growth in this way. Beautiful.
Thanks for being so open Chris. It until a few years ago, I realized so many people had negative self talk and how it destroys us, myself included.
Once you are aware of it, you can start playing around with ways to replace or reframe the old messaging, it’s a life long habit but one worth working on. I’ve had some good friends and a coach help me through it.
Thank you, Chris. You've inspired me tremendously. Thank you for your posts and keeping it real for those of us who need real. The way I see it, there's strength in numbers, and understanding what's going on...means we can figure out what to do about it! It's oddly cathartic to write about my various experiences with ADHD. I'm procrastinating right now because I'd rather be here doing this than what I'm supposed to be doing! This is WAY more fulfilling...
Oh I needed to read this today. Relate to this more than anything I’ve read so far on my ‘how to stop being useless and procrastinating everything’ journey. Thank you!
Very resonant and true to my experience. I’m writing about this for my manuscript now. No matter how much I had accomplished, my treadmill of dissatisfaction sped up. Why was life getting more difficult when I had seemingly earned the downhill descent w/wind at my back. I guess for the wake up call. Thanks for sharing.
After starting a new venture I definetly need to keep this in mind. It's funny how when we start something new we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it as efficiently as possible. Thank for the reminder that giving myself some grace will help me more that talking down to myself.
Thank you so much for this essay, Chris. My theme for 2024 was discovering this about myself and other self-sabotaging tendencies. Now, my theme for 2025 will be to apply new tools to have better results. I've off to a great start and I have so much more energy and motivation to do what I need to do. I live in MT and the biggest thing I do is wake up early at least a few times a week to skin up our local ski resort mountain. It's 1 hr of REALLY difficult exercise. And bonus because I do it with amazing and supportive friends! I do that, and therapy sessions every other week. I catch myself now when I start the negative self-talk. Thanks for your vulnerability, Chris. Good to know we're not the only ones!
I read Albert Ellis’ book about his Rational Emotive Therapy in the 1980s when I was a young therapy client. The therapy was super helpful but it was changing my self talk, as described in Ellis’ book, that really changed my life. I have been a licensed psychotherapist since 1990 and it is the the first thing I teach my clients, almost always during the first session, because it is so often a practice that creates real, lasting change. I want everyone to get it on board as quickly as they can. So glad you’re writing about this! It could so easily be taught in schools, churches, heck, the DMV.
That sounds very cool—I admit I haven't heard of it, though presumably it's influenced some other things that came after. I'll check it out!
Awwww I love Albert Ellis! His belief that “you can stand it” is a bedrock of my personal belief systems and ability to change. I had the privilege of meeting him in person and it was life-changing!
Wow, love that you got to meet him! His work is so powerful.
Chris, thanks for sharing your experiences with this theme. I too have trouble with procrastination, and more recently have pinpointed that it's due to my OCD related thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are major roadblocks for me to do nearly anything that neurotypical folks would do without much or any consideration. Practicing self-care through fitness training has opened my eyes to the possibility of overcoming a lot of my negative thoughts. I still have a lot of work to do with regards to getting over my daily rituals and fears, but my routine of care and compassion towards myself has helped me make some real good strides.
So accurate for me
Based on a true story
Definitely needed to read/hear this today.
For me deliberately minding my self talk was an important step. Once upon a time I used to say to myself things, "Well that was stupid." Then I mindfully changed it to, "Well that was silly." Same idea, but much more kind and usually more accurate.
These days it has been years since I regressed. At least on that one 😉
"Almost every day, for years, I would talk to myself in highly negative terms. Much of this internal dialogue related to failures or perceived shortcomings, or perhaps ways I felt disappointed in myself."
Ha! So Chris, you're the zombie that ate my brain! Didn't know you'd get that chattering monkey on your back though from that meal, did you? Yes, negative self-talk is a form of demon possession, and I carried that demon for too long. He's still there, but I'm much better at demon management these days (well, most days). I make fun of his clown shoes, or his bad mustache.
Using my SAD "Happy Light" to bathe in 10,000 lumens for 30 minutes a day in winter is cheaper than ketamine. And there's always chocolate...
Thanks Chris!
I love this post, as I relate to it so deeply. Thank you. I love your wisdom on change coming from a range of adjustments. That's been true for me with changes ranging from breathwork, meditation, different types of therapy, workshops, developing a sense of spirituality, etc. The biggest catalyst for me is being a dad. I want so much to create a beautiful experience for my kids, and I realized that I first have to grow to model the change... and then I realized what I want to model is an imperfect human whose purpose is growth and love. One of the big changes for me is talking and supporting myself in the same loving and patient way I strive to talk to and support them. Lastly, thank you for sharing that "change happens gradually, then suddenly." I paused and reflected on all the instances when that has been true in my life. I'd never thought about growth in this way. Beautiful.
Reading this reminded me of the sarcastic meme "The beatings will continue until the morale increases. Yeah, that won't work.
Thanks for being so open Chris. It until a few years ago, I realized so many people had negative self talk and how it destroys us, myself included.
Once you are aware of it, you can start playing around with ways to replace or reframe the old messaging, it’s a life long habit but one worth working on. I’ve had some good friends and a coach help me through it.
Thank you, Chris. You've inspired me tremendously. Thank you for your posts and keeping it real for those of us who need real. The way I see it, there's strength in numbers, and understanding what's going on...means we can figure out what to do about it! It's oddly cathartic to write about my various experiences with ADHD. I'm procrastinating right now because I'd rather be here doing this than what I'm supposed to be doing! This is WAY more fulfilling...
Oh I needed to read this today. Relate to this more than anything I’ve read so far on my ‘how to stop being useless and procrastinating everything’ journey. Thank you!
Thanks Chris. This was helpful today. I procrastinate a lot and hate myself for it. I never considered I could choose to go easy on myself.
Very resonant and true to my experience. I’m writing about this for my manuscript now. No matter how much I had accomplished, my treadmill of dissatisfaction sped up. Why was life getting more difficult when I had seemingly earned the downhill descent w/wind at my back. I guess for the wake up call. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, the principles you listed, so true. Especially, change happens gradually, then suddenly. To see these outlined this way is so eye opening for me.
After starting a new venture I definetly need to keep this in mind. It's funny how when we start something new we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it as efficiently as possible. Thank for the reminder that giving myself some grace will help me more that talking down to myself.
Thank you so much for this essay, Chris. My theme for 2024 was discovering this about myself and other self-sabotaging tendencies. Now, my theme for 2025 will be to apply new tools to have better results. I've off to a great start and I have so much more energy and motivation to do what I need to do. I live in MT and the biggest thing I do is wake up early at least a few times a week to skin up our local ski resort mountain. It's 1 hr of REALLY difficult exercise. And bonus because I do it with amazing and supportive friends! I do that, and therapy sessions every other week. I catch myself now when I start the negative self-talk. Thanks for your vulnerability, Chris. Good to know we're not the only ones!