In Pursuit of Ordinary Unhappiness
What's left when the fix-it logic runs out.
I am highly susceptible to the theory that life has settings.
Give me a variable and I’ll adjust it. Change the morning routine. Quit the bad project. Take a walk. Move to another city. Try a new sauna.
Sometimes, this “fix it” mindset works well! See something, do something. Change your behavior to change your perspective.
It also makes a certain amount of sense, at least at a basic level. If you have a terrible diet and never exercise, you’re not going to feel great. Fix those things and you’ll likely start to feel better.
But what then? The problem is that the “fix it” logic eventually fails—or perhaps it just turns into wishful thinking.
Sooner or later, you won’t be able to manipulate life’s variables to your highest level of satisfaction. Something will come along that is horribly outside your control. You’ll get sick, a relationship will shift, someone you love will pass away.
Then you’ll experience profound unhappiness, because you thought you could fix anything merely by changing your behavior or environment. Where is the user button for unexpected disaster recovery? Spoiler, it doesn’t exist.
There’s a quieter cost too. If you believe everything can be fixed, then anything that stays broken starts to look like your fault. So then you’re not only sad—you’ve failed to fix being sad, which makes it a personal failing instead of a normal thing that happens to people. The first part was coming anyway. The second part you added yourself.
So of course, there’s a better way—or at least, another way.
The other way: understand that life is full of conflict and chaos. Humans are inherently conflicted. It’s natural and normal for us to be dissatisfied, because ultimately we can’t get what we really want.
Did you see that Bryan Johnson, the guy who spends $2 million a year on his quest to live forever, recently revealed he’d been diagnosed with an incurable illness? Life is indeed cruel and cannot be outrun.
It’s fashionable to hate people like Johnson, but I don’t begrudge him for trying. I just think, well, good luck, man. It sounds like a recipe for misery, trying to beat a force of nature that wins 100% of the time.
Does this mean we are destined to be sad all the time? (Nope!)
I mean, sure, if that’s your way of being in the world. I get it. I just mean, it doesn’t have to be that way.
The phrase ordinary unhappiness comes from Freud, who is probably liked less than Bryan Johnson these days, but I’m into it.1 Not everything is going to be perfect or wonderful, but some things are pretty cool, so I’m going to focus on those as much as I can. Specifically, Freud said:
“…much will be gained if we succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into common unhappiness. With a mental life that has been restored to health, you will be better armed against that unhappiness.”
I like that it’s a trade. You hand over the misery you’ve been manufacturing, and you get to keep your strength for the misery that shows up on its own.
So instead of pursuing happiness with the mindset of an optimizer, try being content with ordinary unhappiness. Life is chaotic; it’s full of both joy and sorrow. Fill up on the joy and accept the sorrow for what it is—a necessary ingredient of a complete life.
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P.S. Another helpful question: “Is this a problem to solve, or an experience I need to learn how to have?”
P.S. Shoutout to my longtime friend Steve Kamb, whose new book How to Try Again has been making headlines. It’s a wonderful message and I highly encourage you to check it out! It’s available wherever books are sold.
Technically, the phrase from Freud is “allgemeines Unglück,” or common unhappiness in English.