I'm Disappointed in Me, Too
Some reflections on micro-celebrity, parasocial relationships, and humanity.
I wrote Time Anxiety for everyone who feels like there’s not enough time. The book is now out and I’m traveling the country to meet readers! Tonight I’ll be live in Houston at Brazo’s Bookstore (6:30pm). ⏳
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In life, you are going to disappoint people. You will not be able to be everything to everyone. But it's not only that! You will also not be able to be everything to people you care about. You will try to be reliable and available, and sometimes you will fail.
"I'm disappointed that we didn't get to spend more time together. You seemed really busy and I felt like I wasn't important. I waited a long time to talk with you but you were never available."
These words cut deep, don't they? When I received this message after hosting NeuroDiversion a few weeks ago, it stung because there was truth in it. I had been busy. I couldn't give this person the attention they deserved. And what makes it worse is that I genuinely wanted to spend more time with them.
When hosting an event, I always want people to be happy. When someone approaches me to ask "how I'm doing," I turn the question around: "How are you doing? If you're good, I'm good." (Yes, producing an event is indeed a very codependent process, at least if you're doing it right.)
But here's the reality: my attention, just like yours, is finite. I'd love to be able to be in more than one place at one time, but I have yet to figure out how to activate this superpower. Sometimes, when I'm trying to focus on the conversation at hand—which might be the only one I'll have with that person—there's something else going on in the background that I can't completely forget about.
And so people feel let down, as if they aren't important.
Famous Among Dozens
A long time ago I heard the phrase "famous among dozens" and identified with it immediately. Like most authors, I'm not a celebrity by any means, but among a certain group of people, I'm somewhat known.
In the world at large, I am anonymous. A few times a week, someone might approach me to say hi and mention reading one of my books. But for the great majority of time, no one notices me any more than any other stranger.
Then when I go to a conference or speaking event, lots of people know me! They line up to chat. I feel like a micro-celebrity of sorts, like maybe I’ll get to join Katy Perry on her next 11-minute trip to space, or end up in a VIP seat at Coachella as long as the set ends before my 9:30pm bedtime.
This "famous among dozens" dynamic creates a particular kind of tension—the more people who know you, even if it's a relatively small number, the more potential there is for disappointment. Each person has a reasonable expectation of connection, but the math simply doesn't work out. Time is finite. Attention is limited.
Thinking about this reminds me of one of the lessons from Time Anxiety: it’s not only the things we don’t want to do that we need to let go of. That’s the easy part. The harder part is: because our time in life is limited, we must let go of many things we do want to do—and many connections we want to nurture.
One time, several years ago, I was rude to someone in an elevator. I was in a hurry and ended up in an entirely unnecessary verbal altercation. I felt like I had to get my way, even though the issue at hand—which floor the elevator would stop at first—really didn't matter.
The other person broke the standoff with the beautifully disarming words, "Hey man, we're all trying to get through the day."
Wow. Ain't that the truth?
I still think about this encounter years later. We're all trying to get through the day. Everybody is going through something. Time is limited for everyone.
Disappointing others is a universal condition of human limitation. Just like me, you will disappoint people who want more time or attention from you. And others will disappoint you, too, often for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
When someone can't give you the attention you desire, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not important to them. It might just mean they're human, juggling more than they can handle, and trying their best to navigate their own limitations.
Perhaps this mutual disappointment is a natural part of human interaction, rather than a failure? Perhaps knowing we're all imperfect and unable to be in more than one place at one time can help us extend grace to one another?
"I'm disappointed that we didn't have more time together."
Well, you know what? Me too! I wish we could have, but then I would have disappointed someone else, and sometimes life feels like a constant state of relationship triage. Make someone happy, disappoint someone else.
If I've disappointed you at some point, I'm sorry. I'm disappointed in me, too. But maybe it’s good to remember that we're all just trying to get through the day, doing the best we can with the time and attention we have.
This concept that "the more people we know, the more people we may disappoint" actually feels empowering for me. As someone who deeply values kindness, with people I know and with strangers, I have of course also had moments where I acted or reacted in ways out of my norm. The reminder that we inevitably will upset someone we care about, at some point in our lives, offers a lighthearted approach to how much pressure we put on ourselves.
I so get it : ) I always consider it an Awesome Unexpected Bonus to have time with someone during an event. Yeah, I might have traveled across the world to get there but that doesn't make me feel entitled; I feel gratitude for the priviledge. Most times I will offer/find a way to be of service/useful: lightening the load for everyone : ) Guess what? You'll often end up spending time with other wonderful people that you wouldn't have interacted with otherwise!!