This concept that "the more people we know, the more people we may disappoint" actually feels empowering for me. As someone who deeply values kindness, with people I know and with strangers, I have of course also had moments where I acted or reacted in ways out of my norm. The reminder that we inevitably will upset someone we care about, at some point in our lives, offers a lighthearted approach to how much pressure we put on ourselves.
I so get it : ) I always consider it an Awesome Unexpected Bonus to have time with someone during an event. Yeah, I might have traveled across the world to get there but that doesn't make me feel entitled; I feel gratitude for the priviledge. Most times I will offer/find a way to be of service/useful: lightening the load for everyone : ) Guess what? You'll often end up spending time with other wonderful people that you wouldn't have interacted with otherwise!!
That's funny. During my WDS years I considered it my duty as a fellow introvert to not expect anything from you when so many others were demanding a piece. That was the best way I could think of to support you. 🤷🏻♀️
Really appreciate this post Chris. It is so challenging but important to accept that we can be doing our best with positive intention and still cause disappointment.
So, not the same, but this reminds me of a big annual backyard party my extended family throws every fall. Sometimes I go; sometimes I don't. But if I go, I KNOW that I won't be able to spend much time with my family; if I go, it'll be to meet and reconnect with others. Because my family is hosting, and they will be busy with that work. If I want to spend time with my family, that needs to be a different trip.
And so it seems with the conference. Of COURSE you're busy with hosting duties! Maybe the issue is a misunderstanding on both sides of how much capacity and leeway you'd have during such a busy event 🙏
Greetings Chris! This resonated with me...thank you for sharing it. I often remind leader workshop partcipants: "We are imperfect people leading imperfect people"! A constant reminder to MYSELF as well!
Some people try to lay a guilt trip at your feet for not giving them what they "deserve," however it's impossible to be ALL things to ALL people. So, if you want to be continuously manipulated by everyone you love--spouse, kids, teenage child, students of yours, parents--just wear the guilt like a filthy jacket. You'll feel ashamed and downtrodden. On the other hand, if you smile and have self-respect, you'll leave that load of filth at their feet and shake your head saying inside, "No, I do not deserve this! I love ____, but nobody can fill all their needs for time and attention." Do not let people manipulate you into guilt by implying, "If you loved me you'd have done it for me. " Love should be unconditional! Only our babies deserve and need continuous attention and pampering to demonstrate compassion and care. Ego centric people and narcissists, on the other hand, feel that the world revolves around them. Do not play into their trap. Love them by teaching them early that self-respecting people are not manipulators.
"... one of the lessons from Time Anxiety: it’s not only the things we don’t want to do that we need to let go of. That’s the easy part. The harder part is: because our time in life is limited, we must let go of many things we do want to do—and many connections we want to nurture."
Letting go of many things we want to do is _very_ hard. Particularly when you've already invested a lot of time, effort, energy, and maybe even money in them. But this just the "sunk cost fallacy" all over again. I remind myself, "Don't stress, you didn't waste anything, because you learnt from all that experience, so let it go."
I often struggle with priorities, because so many things seem important or "worthwhile". Let's look at that word again, and consider: is this thing really _worth_ your _while_? Your time is limited! And you probably don't know just how limited it is; and it's not a great topic of conversation at parties, because we don't enjoy thinking about not being here, doing what we love. So, my favourite aphorism, my "memento mori", to remind myself to do what really matters, has long been this:
Thank you for this. I’m sure it resonates with many people and it does for me, too. I hate disappointing people and a comment like this would definitely stay with me for years like it did for you. My thought about it at my “age of much experience” is that the comment was not kind. It sounds like that friend took something personally that wasn’t about them (it was obviously not your intention to be too busy), and held no compassion for you. They easily could have chosen to say that they understand how busy you were and can’t wait to spend time together in the future. They could even have thrown out some dates!
This reminds me of the situation when a friend tells you something negative that another friend said behind your back. How does that help anyone? You can’t address it directly with the person, and it likely hurts you and is remembered for quite some time. The kind (and truly “friend”) move in this case would be for that person to push back on the other friend in that moment. Set them straight and leave it there. Not to turn around and share with you.
Long-winded, my apologies, I guess I feel strongly about this and am sorry that you were hurt and still carry that with you.
This concept that "the more people we know, the more people we may disappoint" actually feels empowering for me. As someone who deeply values kindness, with people I know and with strangers, I have of course also had moments where I acted or reacted in ways out of my norm. The reminder that we inevitably will upset someone we care about, at some point in our lives, offers a lighthearted approach to how much pressure we put on ourselves.
I so get it : ) I always consider it an Awesome Unexpected Bonus to have time with someone during an event. Yeah, I might have traveled across the world to get there but that doesn't make me feel entitled; I feel gratitude for the priviledge. Most times I will offer/find a way to be of service/useful: lightening the load for everyone : ) Guess what? You'll often end up spending time with other wonderful people that you wouldn't have interacted with otherwise!!
Such a good reminder that we are all doing the best we can.
That's funny. During my WDS years I considered it my duty as a fellow introvert to not expect anything from you when so many others were demanding a piece. That was the best way I could think of to support you. 🤷🏻♀️
Really appreciate this post Chris. It is so challenging but important to accept that we can be doing our best with positive intention and still cause disappointment.
So, not the same, but this reminds me of a big annual backyard party my extended family throws every fall. Sometimes I go; sometimes I don't. But if I go, I KNOW that I won't be able to spend much time with my family; if I go, it'll be to meet and reconnect with others. Because my family is hosting, and they will be busy with that work. If I want to spend time with my family, that needs to be a different trip.
And so it seems with the conference. Of COURSE you're busy with hosting duties! Maybe the issue is a misunderstanding on both sides of how much capacity and leeway you'd have during such a busy event 🙏
Greetings Chris! This resonated with me...thank you for sharing it. I often remind leader workshop partcipants: "We are imperfect people leading imperfect people"! A constant reminder to MYSELF as well!
You're never a disappointment, my friend! So much love for this.
Some people try to lay a guilt trip at your feet for not giving them what they "deserve," however it's impossible to be ALL things to ALL people. So, if you want to be continuously manipulated by everyone you love--spouse, kids, teenage child, students of yours, parents--just wear the guilt like a filthy jacket. You'll feel ashamed and downtrodden. On the other hand, if you smile and have self-respect, you'll leave that load of filth at their feet and shake your head saying inside, "No, I do not deserve this! I love ____, but nobody can fill all their needs for time and attention." Do not let people manipulate you into guilt by implying, "If you loved me you'd have done it for me. " Love should be unconditional! Only our babies deserve and need continuous attention and pampering to demonstrate compassion and care. Ego centric people and narcissists, on the other hand, feel that the world revolves around them. Do not play into their trap. Love them by teaching them early that self-respecting people are not manipulators.
This is so true!
"... one of the lessons from Time Anxiety: it’s not only the things we don’t want to do that we need to let go of. That’s the easy part. The harder part is: because our time in life is limited, we must let go of many things we do want to do—and many connections we want to nurture."
Letting go of many things we want to do is _very_ hard. Particularly when you've already invested a lot of time, effort, energy, and maybe even money in them. But this just the "sunk cost fallacy" all over again. I remind myself, "Don't stress, you didn't waste anything, because you learnt from all that experience, so let it go."
I often struggle with priorities, because so many things seem important or "worthwhile". Let's look at that word again, and consider: is this thing really _worth_ your _while_? Your time is limited! And you probably don't know just how limited it is; and it's not a great topic of conversation at parties, because we don't enjoy thinking about not being here, doing what we love. So, my favourite aphorism, my "memento mori", to remind myself to do what really matters, has long been this:
_Everything_ takes time.
Thank you for this. I’m sure it resonates with many people and it does for me, too. I hate disappointing people and a comment like this would definitely stay with me for years like it did for you. My thought about it at my “age of much experience” is that the comment was not kind. It sounds like that friend took something personally that wasn’t about them (it was obviously not your intention to be too busy), and held no compassion for you. They easily could have chosen to say that they understand how busy you were and can’t wait to spend time together in the future. They could even have thrown out some dates!
This reminds me of the situation when a friend tells you something negative that another friend said behind your back. How does that help anyone? You can’t address it directly with the person, and it likely hurts you and is remembered for quite some time. The kind (and truly “friend”) move in this case would be for that person to push back on the other friend in that moment. Set them straight and leave it there. Not to turn around and share with you.
Long-winded, my apologies, I guess I feel strongly about this and am sorry that you were hurt and still carry that with you.
Totally resonate with this during a particularly challenging time!
Good luck with your book Chris. I can’t wait to read it. 😊
👍🏻👌🏻
I can relate. Thank you for this!