AUDIO: Why This, Why Now?
Reflections on the most important question in the world ("Why are we doing this?") and how to be more satisfied with our answers.
New! Today’s post is (mostly) in audio form. It includes reflections on my all-time favorite question, and how we can redirect when we don’t like the answer.
You can listen to the 9-minute file by clicking the link below:
If you have trouble with the embedded audio, you can also download the file here.
For those who are able to listen, this type of reflection is best suited to the audio format, not reading. But if you’re not able to listen, or you’d just like a written summary, here are a few notes and highlights:
If you’ve ever been to one of my book events, you might have heard me talk about the “Why” question. It’s the most powerful question you can ask about anything—yet it’s also a very undervalued question.
Why do you do the things you do? What’s the point?
If you stop throughout the day and ask yourself that question, you gain immediate insight.
You might feel affirmed. You’re spending time with your kids or you’re working on something you really care about—and you’ll know, oh, these are the right things to do.
You might also feel a little redirected. You might realize, hmmm, there’s actually not a great reason why I’m doing this thing. Maybe it would be better to spend less time on it. So that’s helpful as well. It can give you a nudge towards something different.
And then the third category is kind of in-between. You’re doing things like:
Cleaning up your home or workspace
Scrolling on social media or in your inbox
The reason why these are in-between categories is because they’re not super affirming but they don’t always lead to redirection. You probably do need to clean up your home or workspace, at least from time to time. Scrolling on social media can be a compulsive behavior, or it could be totally fine.
By asking the why question, you get information you can use to reset and make decisions for the rest of the day—or for the next step on your projects, or for a big change you’re trying to make.
In short, asking why is all upside.
So let’s choose the first part of that: Why do you do what you do every day?
For those of us who have the ability to make this choice … it’s a monumental question. And there could be a number of answers to it.
We could say, ‘Because we have to.’ I have a certain level of responsibilities and commitments and I need to pay the bills and I’m track to do something in my work, my studies, my relationships—and therefore, that’s why I do this.
And that might be okay! At least sometimes. But it’s different from, ‘Because we want to’ and/or ‘Because we can.’
It’s better to live as much of your life as possible in the “get to” world. We get to do this. We get to have some degree of autonomy and we can connect with like-minded people and can do self-directed work.
We can choose to opt-out of negative situations and toxic relationships or dynamics or self-harming behavior.
In the first week of the new newsletter, I wrote a post about Unhelpful Life Advice. A number of readers shared other things that people have told them or they’ve read somewhere—all prescriptions that are nice, but again, largely unhelpful at least for them.
Another suggestion we could have put in that post is “live in the present” or “be present.” It’s kind of like saying “be healthy.”
Sounds good, but how do I do that? There’s so much conflicting advice. And if I am able to find solutions that work well for me, what problems will being present solve?
And it’s not just about being present. Because I also want to work towards something in the future. I want to build happy memories I can reflect on (the past).
So there’s value in letting go and value in building just as there is in being present. And when it comes to figuring these things out, I don’t think the answer is to give up and throw our hands in the air, saying, “Well, there’s nothing we can do.”
There has to be something. We have to try. We have to be better—or at least we CAN be better and I want to be better.
That’s the whole point of A Year of Mental Health.
That’s my answer to why this, why now for me. That’s my why as we’re underway in this adventure. It’s going to unfold along the way, and I look forward to sharing more of it with you.
Let me know if you were able to listen to the file. A normal1 text-based post will be back on Monday at 7am.
Shoutouts
- writes the newsletter and has a new book out on daily writing. (I started my own 1,000 words/day habit way back in 2009, but I never formalized it in the way Jami has.)
Conversation Starters
1. What are you hoping for in 2024?
2. What are some ways you’re able to “be present”?
3. How else can you use the why question to make changes?
Not that I’m “normal,” or that anything here will ever be such a thing. But you know what I mean.
I personally spent all of 2023 working with a therapist, largely circling around this exact question. Ultimately, I have discovered that I wasn't spending my time in activities that aligned with my values, because various traumas had set up "automatic" reactions that felt inevitable. I had internalized unhelpful expectations about the world that robbed my motivation, and dismantling those expectations has changed everything.
I am finding that as I heal from past trauma, my behavior automatically becomes more aligned with my values. I won't say it's effortless, because I've been working my butt off doing some pretty scary things... But it's the difference between trying to scale a sheer cliff and climbing a long staircase. It suddenly feels possible.
I don't know about anyone else, but the "why?" question never helped me before therapy. Asking the question made me realize that my behavior wasn't aligned with my values, but I didn't understand why I couldn't just buckle down, hustle it out, and make things happen. Every attempt ended in writer's block and depression, because every attempt to engage in meaningful work triggered defense mechanisms built around past traumas. I didn't even realize the unconscious ways that my brain and body were sabotaging me.
I still have a lot of work to do in 2024, but I'm more optimistic about the future than I've ever been. For anyone who finds themselves saying, "I know what I need to do, why don't I just do the thing?" I highly recommend talking to a good therapist, if you're in a position to access those services. Even if it takes a few tries to find someone who is right for you, it's so worth it.
My "why this, why now?" has grown a bit to fit my desire to overcome self-imposed limitations - I now tend to use "Why not this? Why not now? Why not ME?". The last one has been crucial to ferreting out the roots of my pattern of self-sabotage. The phrase "Sez who?" crops up a lot for me now. Who says I can't do x, y, or z? Usually fear. I know it's a safety mechanism, but honestly - Doing This, Now, Because I Want To is where I'm focusing my life. (And it's amazing the choices that open up when you question the why... and the why not!)