We also live in a society where smaller accomplishments are not seen as noteworthy as big ones and there's also the comparison game. We need to deprogram and appreciate smaller accomplishments and that goes also for appreciating the little things in life. We want more and more and there's always dissatisfaction. Thank you for sharing!
In Internal Family Systems, inner critics are called manager protector parts.
These parts downplay achievements to protect us preemptively from things like:
— External criticism (who do you think you are?)
— Increasing expectations
— Becoming too arrogant
— Triggering deeper feelings of worthlessness (if I did this great thing, why do I still feel so bad… which might lead to uncovering the rabbit hole of bad feelings that lives underneath efforts to use achievements as a bandaid on top of the deeper wounds).
In the short run, countering managers’ criticisms with fairer self-appraisals helps balance out the internal dialogue and is a great, friendly, accessible step.
As is being very specific in describing your accomplishments so they’re harder for managers to downplay.
For instance , today I was continuing to work through the PTSD of being profoundly deprived of informed consent after surgery for a perforated appendix.
But I stopped to appreciate one specific thing: last year I made intense efforts to research the best policy when I changed my health insurance. I balanced my desire for a low monthly premium with a low deductible, and wow! That research paid off!
Although last year I never used insurance, the appendix apocalypse this year is tens of thousands of dollars— but my deductible isn’t going to break me. Way to, past me, for researching such a great policy!!
So I agree, specific and more balanced self-assessments can help create an internal environment where the critics’ voices don’t drown out all our other truths.
I don’t want to sound like I’m posting this to be an opposition to what you wrote Chris – because I love this — I just want to add one further step.
In Internal Family Systems it’s helpful to consider that the root cause of the criticism is the deeper parts of us — the exiles— our inner children — who carry negative feelings and beliefs from our past experiences.
No matter how much I try to drown out or balance out the voice of the critic, if there’s a very young part of me who constantly believes “I’m too much” because that’s the message it was pickled in as a child, it’s unlikely this deep message is going to stop emanating up from the basement of my subconscious just because I’m able to articulate the ways I did a great job today.
I love the idea of balancing out our inner critics.
I would add that the next step is to do the deeper healing work of going to the exiles and unraveling and unburdening their deep core negative beliefs.
And I agree that creating space in our inner world to hear not just the critics is a great and accessible way to begin to balance out their sometimes overwhelming energy.
Oooooooh this one is going in my Saved folder right away! Acknowledging small wins as the real markers of success is always a growing edge for me, one that I’m glad to be so aware of now. Thank you, always, for your insights & strategies, Chris!
I love this so much. I’ve also learned that if you’re about to embark on a hard thing, tell no one. Your brain takes the dopamine hit when you brag about what you’re about to do, making it less likely you’ll embark on the journey. In that vein, I am not joining a gym and I am not making an effort to go four times a week.
This was another timely post! I've been so "onto the next project and deadline" that I tend to sweep under the rug last year's giant, hyperfocused thing, the release of my artist monograph Radiant Echoes: The Metal Mastery of Victoria Lansford and the 35 year celebration it commemorates. It's a whole thing of things that I have to remember every day not to sweep under said rug in favor of making something else.
Thanks for always sending doses of sanity to my inbox!
This one hit me hard. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years last year because I felt like I had let myself down. I couldn’t see many accomplishments or goals I had achieved- I know now that I did have them, but I was so focused on his accomplishments that I kept comparing mine to his.
After a few months of being single, I started achieving things that felt big and meaningful to me. Things I can actually name and feel proud of. It made me wonder if I had forgotten to prioritize myself during the relationship, and if, in some way, I broke up with him to rediscover who I was.
If you had asked me back then what my accomplishments were, I probably would’ve said “I don’t know.” But now? I could list a bunch. I wonder if there’s a deeper reason for that shift.
We also live in a society where smaller accomplishments are not seen as noteworthy as big ones and there's also the comparison game. We need to deprogram and appreciate smaller accomplishments and that goes also for appreciating the little things in life. We want more and more and there's always dissatisfaction. Thank you for sharing!
💯
In Internal Family Systems, inner critics are called manager protector parts.
These parts downplay achievements to protect us preemptively from things like:
— External criticism (who do you think you are?)
— Increasing expectations
— Becoming too arrogant
— Triggering deeper feelings of worthlessness (if I did this great thing, why do I still feel so bad… which might lead to uncovering the rabbit hole of bad feelings that lives underneath efforts to use achievements as a bandaid on top of the deeper wounds).
In the short run, countering managers’ criticisms with fairer self-appraisals helps balance out the internal dialogue and is a great, friendly, accessible step.
As is being very specific in describing your accomplishments so they’re harder for managers to downplay.
For instance , today I was continuing to work through the PTSD of being profoundly deprived of informed consent after surgery for a perforated appendix.
But I stopped to appreciate one specific thing: last year I made intense efforts to research the best policy when I changed my health insurance. I balanced my desire for a low monthly premium with a low deductible, and wow! That research paid off!
Although last year I never used insurance, the appendix apocalypse this year is tens of thousands of dollars— but my deductible isn’t going to break me. Way to, past me, for researching such a great policy!!
So I agree, specific and more balanced self-assessments can help create an internal environment where the critics’ voices don’t drown out all our other truths.
I don’t want to sound like I’m posting this to be an opposition to what you wrote Chris – because I love this — I just want to add one further step.
In Internal Family Systems it’s helpful to consider that the root cause of the criticism is the deeper parts of us — the exiles— our inner children — who carry negative feelings and beliefs from our past experiences.
No matter how much I try to drown out or balance out the voice of the critic, if there’s a very young part of me who constantly believes “I’m too much” because that’s the message it was pickled in as a child, it’s unlikely this deep message is going to stop emanating up from the basement of my subconscious just because I’m able to articulate the ways I did a great job today.
I love the idea of balancing out our inner critics.
I would add that the next step is to do the deeper healing work of going to the exiles and unraveling and unburdening their deep core negative beliefs.
And I agree that creating space in our inner world to hear not just the critics is a great and accessible way to begin to balance out their sometimes overwhelming energy.
I love these IFS breakdowns you offer, Melissa! 🙏 🙏 🙏
Thanks Chris!!
It’s fun to read your essays because they’re such great jumping off points for me to riff from an Internal Family Systems perspective.
It’s fun to be in conversation this way!
1930s Cardinals pitcher "Dizzy" Dean once said, "Braggin' ain't braggin' if you can back it up!"
Oooooooh this one is going in my Saved folder right away! Acknowledging small wins as the real markers of success is always a growing edge for me, one that I’m glad to be so aware of now. Thank you, always, for your insights & strategies, Chris!
I love this so much. I’ve also learned that if you’re about to embark on a hard thing, tell no one. Your brain takes the dopamine hit when you brag about what you’re about to do, making it less likely you’ll embark on the journey. In that vein, I am not joining a gym and I am not making an effort to go four times a week.
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it! 💛
This was another timely post! I've been so "onto the next project and deadline" that I tend to sweep under the rug last year's giant, hyperfocused thing, the release of my artist monograph Radiant Echoes: The Metal Mastery of Victoria Lansford and the 35 year celebration it commemorates. It's a whole thing of things that I have to remember every day not to sweep under said rug in favor of making something else.
Thanks for always sending doses of sanity to my inbox!
This one hit me hard. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years last year because I felt like I had let myself down. I couldn’t see many accomplishments or goals I had achieved- I know now that I did have them, but I was so focused on his accomplishments that I kept comparing mine to his.
After a few months of being single, I started achieving things that felt big and meaningful to me. Things I can actually name and feel proud of. It made me wonder if I had forgotten to prioritize myself during the relationship, and if, in some way, I broke up with him to rediscover who I was.
If you had asked me back then what my accomplishments were, I probably would’ve said “I don’t know.” But now? I could list a bunch. I wonder if there’s a deeper reason for that shift.