I recently saw a meme about how the world is coming to an end because people aren’t “going out of their way” to be “inconvenienced” by being in community and connecting to others.
It was a modern meme-take on the same old Judeo-Christian, consensus, conventional garbage that taking care of yourself is selfish.
It really got under my skin!
Narcissists weaponize obligation and guilt to force connection when they haven’t earned it.
My narcissistic mother’s favorite insult was “You’re selfish!!”
This, from a woman who was shrieking like a banshee and throwing glasses to get her point across. Huh.
In addition to her failure of logos, because as a child I had needs, and my basic needs did not qualify me as a selfish human, she was also an epic fail at ethos— her qualifications as an authority were zero.
You can’t expect people to take you seriously as someone who has anything reputable to say about the behavior of other humans, when your behavior doesn’t meet the bare minimum standards of human behavior. Her behavior was only reputable for, maybe, a chimpanzee!
All that to say, I believe a lot of us have been conditioned to associate putting our needs first with being selfish, either because of memes or the cultural Zeitgeist or Judeo-Christianity or narcissistic upbringings. We have a lot of cultural programming to undo here!
And I’m grateful, Chris, that you are inviting people to unravel it.
I’m with you on team “say yes less.”
Because what the world needs are more people who are centered and solid and sane.
And that takes time and space – running around doing everything for everyone all the time only creates people who are like chickens with their heads cut off, and that doesn’t serve to create a better world.
This definitely follows, "Hell yeah, or no" concept. Though I struggle with that because at points I'm lonely and want to build community, so when I have times I just want to say no, it's that moment someone will want to do something. Overall, I agree it's better to measure it on a what's the cost perspective.
As a card carrying people pleaser, I am always looking for ways to juggle my schedule to say yes. But different people have different expectations when they ask for “help.” Some expect you to take over the whole project while they chill in the wings waiting to take the credit. Others need a helping hand. Just here to say “who” you decide to help is as important as what they’re asking help with. Protect your peace. Learn from past helping mistakes. And always, under promise and over deliver.
I recently saw a meme about how the world is coming to an end because people aren’t “going out of their way” to be “inconvenienced” by being in community and connecting to others.
It was a modern meme-take on the same old Judeo-Christian, consensus, conventional garbage that taking care of yourself is selfish.
It really got under my skin!
Narcissists weaponize obligation and guilt to force connection when they haven’t earned it.
My narcissistic mother’s favorite insult was “You’re selfish!!”
This, from a woman who was shrieking like a banshee and throwing glasses to get her point across. Huh.
In addition to her failure of logos, because as a child I had needs, and my basic needs did not qualify me as a selfish human, she was also an epic fail at ethos— her qualifications as an authority were zero.
You can’t expect people to take you seriously as someone who has anything reputable to say about the behavior of other humans, when your behavior doesn’t meet the bare minimum standards of human behavior. Her behavior was only reputable for, maybe, a chimpanzee!
All that to say, I believe a lot of us have been conditioned to associate putting our needs first with being selfish, either because of memes or the cultural Zeitgeist or Judeo-Christianity or narcissistic upbringings. We have a lot of cultural programming to undo here!
And I’m grateful, Chris, that you are inviting people to unravel it.
I’m with you on team “say yes less.”
Because what the world needs are more people who are centered and solid and sane.
And that takes time and space – running around doing everything for everyone all the time only creates people who are like chickens with their heads cut off, and that doesn’t serve to create a better world.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Hmm! This is good!
This definitely follows, "Hell yeah, or no" concept. Though I struggle with that because at points I'm lonely and want to build community, so when I have times I just want to say no, it's that moment someone will want to do something. Overall, I agree it's better to measure it on a what's the cost perspective.
I love flipping the same old question on its head and coming at it from a different perspective. This is one of your superpowers, I feel, Chris 🙃
As a card carrying people pleaser, I am always looking for ways to juggle my schedule to say yes. But different people have different expectations when they ask for “help.” Some expect you to take over the whole project while they chill in the wings waiting to take the credit. Others need a helping hand. Just here to say “who” you decide to help is as important as what they’re asking help with. Protect your peace. Learn from past helping mistakes. And always, under promise and over deliver.
*Steps off soap box.*