Is there a God? What is my purpose in life? What childhood trauma caused the love of my life to be an absolute little “d”? I agree. Life is full of mysteries. Where we focus our attention on “solving” or pondering those mysteries ends up constituting the whole of our lives. Infinite blessings to all.
Wow, this one really hit home today! I've been mulling over (well, obsessing over more like) a 30-year friendship I had that was ended by the other person, with no explanation. "We don't always get the answers we want" - true, and in this case I got NO answer! Accepting this is really effing hard, but it's helpful to know that others struggle too.
Probably "no answer" = the answer. I had a similar experience. A friend simply ghosted me, someone with whom I had a strong relationship. Looking back, I do see some cracks that I hadn't been aware of before - on both sides. Also, I found out later that she got sober during this time. It might be she had to drop some friendships in order to recover. Not that we were drinking buddies, per se, but I now get that she probably had to do some major recovery work on herself that couldn't include certain people. Me being one of them. It hurt (I mean a simple, "I need space right now to heal", would have been nice), but then it made me reflect on all the times I've "stepped away" from people in my life, without intentionally hurting them. I think we sometimes do it to others without thinking, and maybe that is why it smarts so much when it happens to us.
That's a really good point - how we step away and don't even realize it. I'm sorry about your loss - ambigous grief is hard to deal with. The really sad thing for me is that she still shows up in my IG feed and I love seeing her pictures, and I miss her kids and her husband. In this case I think my divorce freaked her out because she always put my marriage on a pedestal. But again: "no answer"!
DeathReady with T.J. I have been there and it hurts like hell. Almost 30 years of friendship and no closure even after contacting her to try to find out what happened. I got no explanation and now she has passed away. Ghosting someone is an act of cowardice and there's no reason in my book to ghost someone. I am angry still and I now I know for sure that she will never hurt me or anyone else again. This was someone who knew my deepest, most intimate secrets. I fact, she knew better than anyone else, which in turn means that she knew how hurtful and devastating this was to my being, my psyche, and to the construction and destruction of my heart. Now I pay attention to the quote' Sometimes you need to stop seeing the good in people and start seeing what they show you.'
Oh. My. Goodness. This is another one of those time that you, Chris Guillebeau, are speaking DIRECTLY TO ME. Those two things you mentioned happened to me within 24 hours, not getting the job I am good at and qualified for (but was given the feedback I need more “experience”- nothing to actually work on), and having a relationship door slammed in my face. I’ve been grappling with the abruptness, the rejection, allllllll of the questions that swirl in my overactive ADHD brain… and I know you know what that’s like. So thank you. This post could not have been more timely. The lessons are IN these tough feelings, and it’s helping me to learn a lot about myself and the ways I cope with the difficult emotions. Cheers to you. Thanks again.
Thank you, Chris. Having no closure is very painful. In relationships ,have the courage, the courtesy and the respect to bring closure, by way of an explanation. It doesn't that the friendship will continue or it might mean that some changes have to be made in term of behavior but NEVER ghost someone. It's cruel and coward.
Right before I opened Substack to see your post, the photos app served me a photo memory of an old friend who I used to consider my best friend. We haven’t spoken in a couple of years and she essentially ghosted me. I don’t know why and I can’t bring myself to chase after her for answers. But it haunts me often. And then I read this. What timing! I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it properly, but you’re right—sometimes life is in the not-knowing.
Awesome to see you pop on here today!!! This was a great post. Two great examples of a problem that seems to plague humanity. My wife will stop watching movies that are boring, but still LOOK UP the ending just because she needs the loop closed. I wish this could be a skill that we could learn with a box example in school, but like some of the examples you shared (jobs, relationships), they often need to be let go of individually. It is a muscle that can be trained, but it can't be perfected.
Now what will you do if a 3 star book never returns a lesson of this quality again?!
It is a real mystery how the waters of the earth stay on the globe? We were told years ago that the earth was spinning at 5000 mph Yet, the clouds are moving slowly above us.
My daughter is into the 'flat earth' theory...and I know we are a globe rotating in orbit around the sun. She takes the Bible literally like the people who wrote it did hundreds of years ago. It 's amazing how many people don't comprehend that the people who wrote the Bible did not have the knowledge about the earth during the 'Dark Ages' ...that the Greeks had over 2000 years, because the Roman Catholic Church was ignorant and burned people at the stake that said the earth rotated around the sun.
I read recently (somewhere) that many problems, or things we perceive as a problem, a puzzle, a mystery, don't require a solution. They just exist. And once you accept that, they stop being problems.
And heck, sometimes no one even remembers how something started, or why a decision was made. We often times put a lot of importance on something when the other party isn't even giving it a second thought. Even in 'ghosting'... people can get busy, time passes, and suddenly before you realize you've ended up in 'ghosting stage'. I really do think sometimes we ruminate on something only to find the other party didn't even realize it was an issue.
I also listened to this episode and thought, "Well, this isn't a message we get often enough in our (American) culture!" I had a long convo with my best friend about my sign--Scorpio--and how it's attached to secrets and mystery. It made me realize that this is a part of myself I've been rejecting for so long, and something I want to learn to love and embrace. That I am made of secrets... that it may be possible to learn to love the mystery...
I LOVE book recommendations (although you didn't technically recommend Piglet, I was intrigued!). Looking forward to what you have in store for 2026 - happy holidays, Chris!
Is there a God? What is my purpose in life? What childhood trauma caused the love of my life to be an absolute little “d”? I agree. Life is full of mysteries. Where we focus our attention on “solving” or pondering those mysteries ends up constituting the whole of our lives. Infinite blessings to all.
Wow, this one really hit home today! I've been mulling over (well, obsessing over more like) a 30-year friendship I had that was ended by the other person, with no explanation. "We don't always get the answers we want" - true, and in this case I got NO answer! Accepting this is really effing hard, but it's helpful to know that others struggle too.
Probably "no answer" = the answer. I had a similar experience. A friend simply ghosted me, someone with whom I had a strong relationship. Looking back, I do see some cracks that I hadn't been aware of before - on both sides. Also, I found out later that she got sober during this time. It might be she had to drop some friendships in order to recover. Not that we were drinking buddies, per se, but I now get that she probably had to do some major recovery work on herself that couldn't include certain people. Me being one of them. It hurt (I mean a simple, "I need space right now to heal", would have been nice), but then it made me reflect on all the times I've "stepped away" from people in my life, without intentionally hurting them. I think we sometimes do it to others without thinking, and maybe that is why it smarts so much when it happens to us.
That's a really good point - how we step away and don't even realize it. I'm sorry about your loss - ambigous grief is hard to deal with. The really sad thing for me is that she still shows up in my IG feed and I love seeing her pictures, and I miss her kids and her husband. In this case I think my divorce freaked her out because she always put my marriage on a pedestal. But again: "no answer"!
I'm sorry that your friendship also lapsed, especially a 30 year one! You touched on it well here with "grief". It's just a non-closure kind of grief.
No excuse ! She wasn't a friend.
DeathReady with T.J. I have been there and it hurts like hell. Almost 30 years of friendship and no closure even after contacting her to try to find out what happened. I got no explanation and now she has passed away. Ghosting someone is an act of cowardice and there's no reason in my book to ghost someone. I am angry still and I now I know for sure that she will never hurt me or anyone else again. This was someone who knew my deepest, most intimate secrets. I fact, she knew better than anyone else, which in turn means that she knew how hurtful and devastating this was to my being, my psyche, and to the construction and destruction of my heart. Now I pay attention to the quote' Sometimes you need to stop seeing the good in people and start seeing what they show you.'
Oh. My. Goodness. This is another one of those time that you, Chris Guillebeau, are speaking DIRECTLY TO ME. Those two things you mentioned happened to me within 24 hours, not getting the job I am good at and qualified for (but was given the feedback I need more “experience”- nothing to actually work on), and having a relationship door slammed in my face. I’ve been grappling with the abruptness, the rejection, allllllll of the questions that swirl in my overactive ADHD brain… and I know you know what that’s like. So thank you. This post could not have been more timely. The lessons are IN these tough feelings, and it’s helping me to learn a lot about myself and the ways I cope with the difficult emotions. Cheers to you. Thanks again.
Thank you, Chris. Having no closure is very painful. In relationships ,have the courage, the courtesy and the respect to bring closure, by way of an explanation. It doesn't that the friendship will continue or it might mean that some changes have to be made in term of behavior but NEVER ghost someone. It's cruel and coward.
Right before I opened Substack to see your post, the photos app served me a photo memory of an old friend who I used to consider my best friend. We haven’t spoken in a couple of years and she essentially ghosted me. I don’t know why and I can’t bring myself to chase after her for answers. But it haunts me often. And then I read this. What timing! I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it properly, but you’re right—sometimes life is in the not-knowing.
Interesting. I've thought about this concept of no answer a lot this year. I even wrote a post about my own experience! Thank you for your work.
https://open.substack.com/pub/theyogaspring/p/sitting-with-what-is?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
Awesome to see you pop on here today!!! This was a great post. Two great examples of a problem that seems to plague humanity. My wife will stop watching movies that are boring, but still LOOK UP the ending just because she needs the loop closed. I wish this could be a skill that we could learn with a box example in school, but like some of the examples you shared (jobs, relationships), they often need to be let go of individually. It is a muscle that can be trained, but it can't be perfected.
Now what will you do if a 3 star book never returns a lesson of this quality again?!
It is a real mystery how the waters of the earth stay on the globe? We were told years ago that the earth was spinning at 5000 mph Yet, the clouds are moving slowly above us.
My daughter is into the 'flat earth' theory...and I know we are a globe rotating in orbit around the sun. She takes the Bible literally like the people who wrote it did hundreds of years ago. It 's amazing how many people don't comprehend that the people who wrote the Bible did not have the knowledge about the earth during the 'Dark Ages' ...that the Greeks had over 2000 years, because the Roman Catholic Church was ignorant and burned people at the stake that said the earth rotated around the sun.
I read recently (somewhere) that many problems, or things we perceive as a problem, a puzzle, a mystery, don't require a solution. They just exist. And once you accept that, they stop being problems.
Life has enough challenges as it is, that being so, should we add more “challenges” to solve unsolvable topics or open new boxes ?
Hotel industry has a nice service called “turn down“ service for the night . We might as well do “turn down” as many issues as we can !
And heck, sometimes no one even remembers how something started, or why a decision was made. We often times put a lot of importance on something when the other party isn't even giving it a second thought. Even in 'ghosting'... people can get busy, time passes, and suddenly before you realize you've ended up in 'ghosting stage'. I really do think sometimes we ruminate on something only to find the other party didn't even realize it was an issue.
Kellie, I don't agree! People know what they're doing when they ghost you. It'a an act of cowardice.
I love the box story! It's a great lesson.
I also listened to this episode and thought, "Well, this isn't a message we get often enough in our (American) culture!" I had a long convo with my best friend about my sign--Scorpio--and how it's attached to secrets and mystery. It made me realize that this is a part of myself I've been rejecting for so long, and something I want to learn to love and embrace. That I am made of secrets... that it may be possible to learn to love the mystery...
I LOVE book recommendations (although you didn't technically recommend Piglet, I was intrigued!). Looking forward to what you have in store for 2026 - happy holidays, Chris!
This one resonated on so many levels-perfectly timed.