Every Message Is a Gift

A better way to think about responding to email.

This week I’ve been thinking about emails. I know it sounds boring, but I actually think about emails a lot.

I wrote a whole chapter in Time Anxiety about my difficulty in responding to people. I called it “The Inbox of Shame” because, well, it should be obvious.

Overall, my favorite method for solving this problem of mine—or at least “dealing with it somewhat”—is to take on the role of an actor. I wrote about that idea more in this post:

I’m still a big fan of that method. This week, though, I’m using a different mental model that I’ve been working on. The model is:

Every time you communicate, you have the chance to give someone a gift.

That’s it. You are a gift-giver, or, if you don’t find it too woo-woo, a light-bringer. You are bringing light to someone! Or at least you have the ability to, if you so choose.

Image for Time Anxiety by Emily McDowell

Consider that most person-to-person communication is a bid for attention in some way, or alternatively an attempt at persuasion. The person communicating wants something from another person, either directly or indirectly.

So when you’re on the receiving end of communication, think about what the other person wants. What would make them happy? What would brighten their day? What would create ease for them?

Then you respond with that in mind. You help them feel at least a little better than they did before receiving your response. You give them a gift.

How do you do this, exactly? It’s a little tricky to explain. If done the wrong way, it can seem insincere or overly sentimental—which is definitely NOT the idea.

Perhaps the best way to apply the method is to start in your mind. You don’t have to make grand gestures or say things like, “Hey person, you’re amazing, thank you for writing me, here’s a reply to make you feel special.”

In fact, you probably don’t say any of those words at all. You just keep the core concept in mind, and that framework will influence what you actually say.

One trick is to pause before sending a new message or reply and ask “What’s the point of this communication? Does it shine some light somehow?”¹

Question: Does this apply only when you give people what they want?

Answer: Not at all!

I don’t mean to suggest you become a codependent, email-responding doormat, ready to agree to anything that people ask of you. In most of my inbox sessions, I have to decline a fair number of requests. But that’s okay! It’s still possible to leave people feeling better even when your answer to their direct request is a no.

The same principle applies: somehow, there’s a way to make people feel better through almost every communication, and that should be your goal: to give them a gift. For example, instead of just saying, “No, I can't do that,” you might say “I can't take this on, but it sounds really cool and I hope you find someone great for it.”

Again, it’s not meant to be woo-woo, sappy, or excessively sentimental. I just mean it in very practical terms—

Every email is a gift.

Every message can bring light.

Be the light-bearer.

Try it.

P.S. Three Quick Clarifications

[1. Is failing to reply to messages really such a problem? For me it is! Maybe for you it’s not. But it does cause me a lot of distress.]

[2. Why not just ignore email entirely? Trust me, sometimes I do. 😉 But the problem with “a world without email” is that ultimately email is just a mode of communication that exists between real people. So if you turn it off or ignore it completely, you are turning off communication between real people.]

[3. I should note that I’m writing about real messages—not AI-written pitches, spam, newsletters that keep coming even though you didn’t subscribe, and all the other meaningless content that fills your inbox. Real messages from real people! The others are easy to delete or filter.]

1. I almost didn’t write this because I know it might sound weird. But that’s really the phrase that’s been in my mind all week: to shine light.