Consider the Opposite of What You're Worried About

Are you a worrier? Try reframing situations to worry about the opposite of your initial concern.

“Don’t worry” is one of the most unhelpful things to tell someone who’s worried about something. Do you think they want to be worried? Do you imagine they enjoy it?

Okay, maybe they might. But not usually! 

While it’s true that worrying can come with secondary gains—and perhaps some people do like to worry—here I’m speaking to those of us who don’t like worrying to excess.

We also know that some amount of worry or fear exists as a form of protection. If you’re in a truly dangerous situation, simply ignoring your instincts (and therefore not worrying at all) isn’t usually the best response.

But leaving aside those examples, the more common scenario is that excessive worry is a limiting behavior.

Worry holds us back or keeps us stuck. Worry prevents us from making positive changes. We remain with what’s comfortable, even if it’s less than ideal, because the unknown is … worrisome. (And no one ever says, I wish I’d made that change later.)

So here is a partial solution, or at least here is something I have learned to do as a person who worries a lot. Rather than tell myself not to worry (see opening paragraph for why this doesn’t work), I try to consider the potential harm or downside of the OPPOSITE concern.

In other words: If I don’t do the thing I’m worried about—or if the thing I’m worried about doesn’t come to pass—what would happen then? 

Example 1: The Job Interview

Imagine you are going for a job interview. Lots of things to worry about there. The overthinking is strong. Will you present well? Will you make a good impression? After all that, will you get the job? 

These are all reasonable concerns, or at least they aren’t abnormal. So now let’s consider the opposing scenarios. 

• What if you back out and don’t go to the interview at all? — Then you won’t know if you would have made a great impression and been offered the job

• What if you go, but struggle in the interview? — If the experience doesn’t feel great, it might end up being a practice run for the next one, in which you draw on your less-than-optimal performance to improve your responses and get an even better job

(Alternatively: worrying that you’re unprepared could help you to prepare more.)

As you can see, the appropriate next step is to proceed with confidence to the interview and do your best. You might still worry, but perhaps you’ll worry less.

Example 2: Fear of Failure or Rejection

Often, what we’re worried about is the fear of failure or rejection. The counter-worry to these things is unknown information—the “what if” scenarios that are impossible to establish without nudging yourself forward in the hero’s journey.

For me at least, the unknown information is a powerful motivator. What if I fail? That would be bad. What if I don’t try? That would be even worse.

To simplify even further:

“I’m worried about changing something”

Be worried about NOT changing something! 

“I’m worried about a new venture failing”

Be worried about not starting! 

“I’m worried about something I perceive as risky”

Be worried about the consequences of being overly cautious!

This reframing process doesn’t always help—but often it does.

For every worry, there is a counter-worry. If you’re struggling with one, introduce the other to your decision-making process and see what happens. 

See Also

• Infinities, an audio story — In August 2018, Boen Wang was at a work retreat for a new job. Surrounded by mosquitoes and swampland in a tiny campsite in West Virginia, Boen’s mind underwent a sudden, dramatic transformation that would have profound consequences—for his work, his colleagues, and himself

• You Don’t Need Another Class by Carolyn Yoo - “I cancelled a ten week graphic novel workshop I signed up for last month, even though it seems unlikely that I will get a refund. Few things pain me more than losing money, but what is a few hundred dollars when compared to lost time?”

Conversation Starters

1. What are you worried about right now?

2. Isn’t it helpful when people tell you not to worry? Just kidding of course it isn’t. 

3. A time you worried about something too little. 

4. What words do you often misspell? For me: entrepreneur, phenomenon, and occasionally. (And yes, I have been writing the word entrepreneur almost every day for 20 years.)