Change Your Narrative in a Believable Way
Positive self-talk only works when you believe it.
Stories are all-powerful. If you want to write a hit screenplay, give a viral TED talk, or just close the sale … you need a good story.
The stories we tell ourselves are no exception. These stories often take on a running monologue of self-analysis. We can uplift and encourage ourselves, or we can criticize and discourage ourselves.
The narrative becomes all the more powerful when it arrives from a primary source. After all, who knows you better than you know yourself?
One of these narratives—the uplifting one—is much better than the other. If you find yourself repeatedly telling yourself a critical story, you’d be well served by changing the narrative.
But here lies a problem. Most of us can’t just decide to be positive all of a sudden. It’s not a switch we can flip when we find ourselves in a darkened room.
Why not? Because stories are powerful! If you already believe one story, swapping it out for another can be difficult.
Telling someone to change their narrative is a lot like telling a stressed-out person to relax: it doesn’t tend to be very effective.
The Solution Is to Choose a Believable Narrative
I’m not usually a fan of saying “be realistic,” because reality is constructed. You can change your reality. Your reality may be subjectively (or even objectively) different from someone else’s.
In this case, though, being realistic—by your own standard of what you believe—can be helpful. After all, you have to believe the narrative you’re trying to adopt!
If you struggle with sticking to a habit, the wrong approach would be to tell yourself a story that you’ll never fail again:
It’s been hard to exercise, but starting tomorrow I’ll run five miles every morning. I’ll never forget to stretch. Three times a week I’ll be in the gym to lift weights, and in my spare time I’ll go to yoga class. Get to work, self!
The better way is to first figure out a story you can believe. Such as:
Sticking with an exercise plan has been tough, but I can always restart if I get off track. I’ll set some workout clothes by the bed so I can get outside first thing in the morning. Just do that tomorrow, self, and then worry about the next day from there!
Naturally, I’ve been trying out this experiment on myself. The new book I’m publishing next year took longer to write than I’d prefer. For a while, it was quite a struggle to finalize the chapter selection and find the flow.
At some point in the process, my inner narrative around the book became quite negative:
I’ll never finish this book. What made me think I could write it in the first place? My best days of book-writing are behind me. (and so on…)
Of course, this narrative isn’t very helpful. You don’t need a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology to see that the narrative was undermining the actual work, either somewhat or considerably.
But the counter-narrative seemed implausible to me. I couldn’t simply tell myself:
This book is going to be amazing. I’m a great writer. I just need to sit in the chair and the chapters will flow. 1,000 words a day is my quota? Make it 2,000!
Why couldn’t I just tell myself this? Because I wouldn’t believe it.
I’ve been trying to develop a believable narrative, one that will be more positive while also being possible. Something like this (I’ll switch to second person voice here, which is how I often speak to myself):
Hey, this is hard but you’ve been here before. If you hide from the work, nothing will happen—but if you sit with it, eventually you’ll get somewhere. You might not get 1,000 words today, but is there one case study you can outline? One sidebar? One chapter introduction? Just start with that and then see what happens.
You get the idea. (And yeah, when I talk to myself I tend to be wordy.)
Choose a Story That's Positive But Believable
Think of it this way: you have to believe in yourself, and you have to believe yourself.
Continuously telling negative stories about yourself has consequences. Over time, you start to model the very behavior you’re blaming yourself for, and the cycle is hard to break.
Instead of overpromising (“everything will be wonderful”) find a way to tell yourself something uplifting/positive/helpful and realistic.
What conditions do you need for your believable narrative? What will you change to feel the way you want to feel?
This was a game-changer. I have been struggling with consistently showing up to be creative and to work on a passive income idea. I decided to change my narrative.
First, I wrote out my struggle. Then I wrote out the negative thoughts I have about it. Next, I wrote down what I usually say to myself in these situations, and realized it does put too much pressure on myself.
When I wrote out a story I can believe, it really lifted a weight off my shoulders. I didn't have to try to jump back in blazing saddles. I can take little bits, do the fun part of it first, and pace myself. It just renewed my confidence and got me excited to keep going! Thank you so much for this article. It really helped.
There is a counselling approach called Narrative Therapy which is totally about finding alternative more nurturing narratives. One exercise that might help find a more positive narrative is to think about someone who knows you and believes in you and thinks you can get the thing done (maybe it is your friend, maybe it is your dog😊). Then you start exploring why that person might think that. Have they seen you manage something in the past? Do they know about skills and abilities you have? Do they know how important to you getting this thing done is? Asking these questions builds you up, strengthens the positive narrative, weakens the negative narrative and can give you new places to start.