AUDIO: You Can Be Better than You Are

Reflections on the fear of others’ opinions, inertia, and the lack of belief that things can be better.

New! Today’s post is (mostly) in audio form. It includes reflections on why it’s so difficult to change, even when we can see the benefits of it.

You can listen to the 8-minute file by clicking the link below: 

If you have trouble with the embedded audio, you can also download the file here.

For those who are able to listen, this type of reflection is best suited to the audio format, not reading. But if you’re not able to listen, or you’d just like a written summary, here are a few notes and highlights: 

• In the last audio reflection, we looked at the question why. 

  Why do you do the things you do? What’s the point? 

• The overall takeaway of that conversation was: 

  I think it’s so important to live as much of your life as possible in the “get to” world. We get to do this. We get to have some degree of autonomy and we can connect with like-minded people and can do self-directed work. 

• So today let’s talk about me—at least, to a point. I want to share why it was hard for me to make a lot of big changes in my life, even as someone who was high-functioning and growth-minded.

• A lot of it comes down to resistance: I was opposed to changing patterns I was familiar with. 

• As I thought about it further, I realized it came down to three reasons:

1. The irrational fear of other people’s opinions

• I thought, well, if I stop producing in the way I’ve done, or if I make a big change in my interpersonal relationships, or if I just decide I want to be someone different than I am now, then:

  • People are not going to like me

  • People are not going to understand

  • Or in short, I will be less esteemed 

• There’s a classic quote that’s been attributed to various people over the years:

  “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” 

• Still, the fear of other people’s opinions is a powerful force, no matter how much head knowledge you gain about it.

• People who struggle with addiction understand that their behavior is harmful—but they still struggle. 

2. Inertia

• Sometimes it’s easier to change when things are disastrous than when they’re just meh.  

• When things are going more-or-less okay, why change them? There’s some sort of cognitive bias against the unknown that prevents us from making changes.

• Of course, this too is flawed thinking, and the more we can examine it and ultimately challenge it, the easier it will be to make proactive change. 

• But the third reason is what I want to focus on the most and also conclude with: 

3. I didn’t understand how much better things could be. 

• I sometimes say if I could talk to my much younger self, I wouldn’t give much advice—but this is more like my “10-years-ago” self, who might actually have listened. To that person, I’d say: never lose your edge, but for many of these difficulties you have, you just don’t know that there’s a way out. 

• You’re capable, you have skills … but you’re also stuck. 

• You keep looking for A/B solutions to complex issues that have C/D/E/F and beyond solutions.

• Again, I just didn’t understand how much better things could be. 

• With that, let’s return to the point of this entire series: you can be better in the future than you are now. 

• You can be better today than you were yesterday, even without any change to your external circumstances. You can be better by the end of the year than you were at the beginning. 

• Further, you are not powerless to make that happen. It doesn’t just happen to you or outside you. There are things you can do to be better. I’ll say more about this as we go. 💚

Let me know if you were able to listen to the file. A normal text-based post will be back on Monday at 7am.

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Shoutouts & More Reading

• The Highly-Sensitive Person by Elaine Aaron

  • Note: A few people mentioned Elaine’s model in my post on sensitivity the other day. I was writing about something a bit different (similar, but different), but I didn’t mean to leave her out, especially as someone who’s pioneered so much work in the field 🙇‍♂️

• The Little Boosts That Keep Us from Ourselves by

  Kathleen Smith

• The Dumpster Fire and the Garden (and the follow-up) by

  Brad Montague

Conversation Starters

1. What are you trying to change right now?

2. Do you have a word or theme for this year? (If so, why did you choose it?)

3. Were you aware of a big sporting event being played this weekend?