Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Melissa Sandfort's avatar

Inner work can be frustrating because personal growth takes longer than our intellectual parts think it should. Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls these intellectual parts “managers“ because they try to manage and control our lives. If they can THINK a solution, they believe – why can’t we have that solution today? The reality: inner work isn’t logical, it’s biological. Trees don’t magically become larger just because they think they can; they grow ring-by-ring, year-by-year. So do we.

Thinking is fast; feeling is slow.

I’ve created an eighth day of the week for myself every two weeks. I take the day off from all external responsibilities, stay home, and do all the inner work I want! I usually end up doing about three or four hours of IFS.

Caveat: I developed this capacity over time with a combination of my own practice and a TON of training and support. I spent 15 years in IFS trainings and workshops (2300+ hours) to learn the skills. The capacity to do inner work doesn’t fall out of a tree; it doesn’t come naturally. But it is a positively reinforcing cycle where the more you learn and practice, the better you get, and then the more you can do on your own.

By giving myself excessive amounts of time to do inner work, I radically reduce the impatience, distress and frustration managers naturally experience on the self-transformation journey.

Having done over 7,000 hours of Internal Family Systems psychotherapy on myself over the last 22 years, I have an embodied understanding of how long it takes to transform myself. There are things that have easily taken 20 or 30 hours! But if I have a day every two weeks where I’m doing three or four hours of inner work, I can tell my managers — hey! We’ve got the time, no worries, let the process unfold just as it wants to.

The best inner work is strange, chaotic, and unpredictable. It’s full of tangents, daydreams and curveballs. The more time and space I give the process, the more results I get, with less stress and resistance.

In mental health, nothing has a higher return on investment than deeply healing core wounds. So I use my sixteenth days doing just that, and it’s my favorite 2 days of the month.

Expand full comment
Alexis Mera Damen's avatar

Perfect day =

- Wake up without an alarm at 7 am

- Sip a cappuccino sitting next to the window and reading

- Read for at least an hour

- Enjoy a nice breakfast (maybe eggs, maybe yogurt — depending on my mood)

- Play padel with friends

- Eat a delicious lunch

- Lounge around the rest of the day without looking at any screens

- In bed by 9

Expand full comment
14 more comments...

No posts